My wife has done very similar things, not with coffee (which I don’t drink) but with other items, she’s gotten the generic when I asked for a brand name. If I say, “Hey, I wanted X,” she says, “Too bad, I got the generic it’s cheaper. Stop whining.”
And that’s the end of it, because it’s not important.
If she was my wife, of course I would. Why wouldn’t I?
[QUOTE=sandra_nz]
Not sure I would completely agree.
If I’m in partnership with someone, and we have agreed a course of action, I (as a mature, assertive adult) would advise the other adult if I subsequently changed my mind and planned to take a different course of action.
[/QUOTE]
If it were an important matter, you most certainly should. But this particular issue was trivial. Was it worth a fight? Was it worth a “my husband was WRONG” thread? IMO certainly not. Just imagine how many pretexts for fights with his/her SO one would have if this line of thougt was followed for each and every trivial decision.
[QUOTE=Lakai]
Would you trust someone who told you he didn’t give any money because no one asked for it?
[/QUOTE]
I trust my wife. She’s clever, attentive, and our values match. She doesn’t need her hand held and she most certainly doesn’t need to keep earning my trust with every individual thing she does.
So on any individual matter, yes, I trust her judgment, even if we disagree. That obviously doesn’t mean we never fight, or what have you, and we might sit down and discuss something if one of us thought it was important enough, but the whole vibe here - that she sees him as someone who has to be told how to handle a simple social interaction - is beyond my understanding.
[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
I suspect I’d like your husband. (I like mine just fine, though). I really dislike when I intend to treat and money is pressed on me. I dislike it enough that unless my kid REALLY LIKED the kid in question and there were overriding considerations, that would be the last time I’d put myself in that position.
[/QUOTE]
That’s interesting. I wouldn’t have suspected that some people would react like that (insisting on offering money being a deal-breaker, I mean).
[QUOTE=clairobscur]
That’s interesting. I wouldn’t have suspected that some people would react like that (insisting on offering money being a deal-breaker, I mean).
[/QUOTE]
My wife is like that. I find it off-putting as well.
[QUOTE=Lakai]
Let’s say you asked your wife to buy you a certain brand of coffee when she goes to the store. She comes back with a cheap generic brand that you know tastes like cardboard. She tells you that we don’t need the expensive coffee and that generic brand will do just fine. She has gone to the store before and knows the cost of both brands of coffee. She just deicide to change her mind on this trip. You now have cheap cardboard tasting coffee because your wife ignored a decision that was trivial to her, but important to you. Would you be upset? Would you ignore the decision?
[/QUOTE]
Stuff like that happens all the time in marriages. A couple weeks ago, my husband came home with a brand of baby food I don’t like, because it was on sale. I would have bought my regular brand, despite the higher price. Even if I had written the exact brand on the grocery list, he probably would have gone ahead and switched…it would make him twitchy to spend more than he had to. I can’t imagine anything more than a fleeting annoyance at something like that.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
From my assessment of your posts, you have a marriage that you both trust each other to handle any and all situations the same or at least as well as the other. I must say that is very nice.
[/QUOTE]
Your situation is different, though, from these shopping examples, because it’s a social situation and you’re afraid it will reflect badly on the whole family, and you in particular. But in this case, I think you’re overthinking that a bit much. For one thing, if your husband is a stay-at-home dad, and doing the drop off, they probably figure he’s the one who is responsible for this stuff (they have no way of knowing the internal dynamic of your family). For another, spouses do things different ways all the time…there’s not necessarily a “this is the way we do it in our house” for every little situation that may arise. I don’t necessarily think that my husband handles every situation “as well” as I think I would, but so what? I’m not his mother, I’m not responsible for his every action, and I certainly hope no one thinks that I am (and I’m sure he feels the same way about me).
[QUOTE=clairobscur]
That’s interesting. I wouldn’t have suspected that some people would react like that (insisting on offering money being a deal-breaker, I mean).
[/QUOTE]
Well, I’m weird. But I enjoy treating. Treating is part of the thrill of taking someone out to me. So you are trying to take some of my enjoyment. I also think its insulting - its accusing me of having poor manners - if I invite you somewhere, unless the invitation has been phrased as a dutch or ‘and you’ll pay for your own airfare’ sort of thing - I’m paying. It also implies I can’t afford to treat - and making assumptions about someone’s financial circumstances is just rude.
Offering it wouldn’t be a deal breaker - I get that some people feel obligated to offer. Insisting I take it after I’ve said “no, really, this is my treat” - that is really rude.
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic]
My wife has done very similar things, not with coffee (which I don’t drink) but with other items, she’s gotten the generic when I asked for a brand name. If I say, “Hey, I wanted X,” she says, “Too bad, I got the generic it’s cheaper. Stop whining.”
And that’s the end of it, because it’s not important.
[/QUOTE]
You don’t consider “stop whining” an order that you followed? It’s dismissive, rude, and condescending. Just because you’ve deemed the topic not important to discuss at that particular time, there will come a time (and probably already has) when the particular item you asked for is important enough for you to express your displeasure at a flippant ‘stop whining’.
He agreed to give the money. He either forgot or chose not to follow through. Either way, his perogative. He came up with a lame excuse. He didn’t come clean until asked.
Offering is polite (I would expect the ticket and food paid for personally. I would NOT expect them to buy my child a souvenir though, to me, that goes beyond the scope of the invitation). Insisting isn’t. Coming up with a lame excuse not to offer, is, well lame.
He doesn’t need an “excuse” not to offer.
[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Offering it wouldn’t be a deal breaker - I get that some people feel obligated to offer. Insisting I take it after I’ve said “no, really, this is my treat” - that is really rude.
[/QUOTE]
I generally agree with this.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
When I say with no hesitation, this is how you handle this particular situation, then no, he doesn’t get to change the rules. If he tells me that I don’t have the jiffy lube guy do everything extra he says I need, I don’t. I do not take it upon myself to assess the jiffy lube guy has a nice face and wouldn’t cheat me. I do as I was told by the person who makes those decisions.
I make the social decisions in the family. He does not and never has.
[/QUOTE]
I’m out, then. I’m fervently thankful to say I don’t have such a marriage; so I don’t have a framework for it.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
When I say with no hesitation, this is how you handle this particular situation, then no, he doesn’t get to change the rules.
[/QUOTE]
Wow. Just wow.
[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer]
Wow. Just wow.
[/QUOTE]
I know. How dare I suggest that she’s a control freak?
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic]
My wife has done very similar things, not with coffee (which I don’t drink) but with other items, she’s gotten the generic when I asked for a brand name. If I say, “Hey, I wanted X,” she says, “Too bad, I got the generic it’s cheaper. Stop whining.”
And that’s the end of it, because it’s not important.
[/QUOTE]
What if it was something important to you? I used the example of coffee because I can’t imagine drinking cheap coffee for more than a few days. If this happened to me I would at least tell whoever made the purchase not to do it again.
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic]
If she was my wife, of course I would. Why wouldn’t I?
[/QUOTE]
Because she is lying to you?
[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
I trust my wife. She’s clever, attentive, and our values match. She doesn’t need her hand held and she most certainly doesn’t need to keep earning my trust with every individual thing she does.
So on any individual matter, yes, I trust her judgment, even if we disagree. That obviously doesn’t mean we never fight, or what have you, and we might sit down and discuss something if one of us thought it was important enough, but the whole vibe here - that she sees him as someone who has to be told how to handle a simple social interaction - is beyond my understanding.
[/QUOTE]
I think the difference with us is that I see the issue as important and you think it is trivial.
If your wife ignored an agreement she made with you, about something important to you, would she be wrong in doing so?
I’m starting not to like the vibe here either. I agree with you and Diogenes the Cynic that she is controlling. Without knowing the husband, however, I can’t tell you if it is necessary or not.
In case it isn’t clear, I don’t want Foxy’s husband to be verbally abused for this, but I do think it should be made clear to him that Foxy doesn’t want him doing this again. At least in this type of situation.
[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
Stuff like that happens all the time in marriages. A couple weeks ago, my husband came home with a brand of baby food I don’t like, because it was on sale. I would have bought my regular brand, despite the higher price. Even if I had written the exact brand on the grocery list, he probably would have gone ahead and switched…it would make him twitchy to spend more than he had to. I can’t imagine anything more than a fleeting annoyance at something like that.
[/QUOTE]
What if it was something important to you?
The question of whether something is “important to me” is of no consequence. The issues you’re speaking of are not objectively important. I am not going to die if I get the generic cereal instead of the brand name. If something like that is really so important too me, then I am a small, petty person.
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic]
I know. How dare I suggest that she’s a control freak?
[/QUOTE]
I went an bought my wife a pair of earrings today.
She was surprised because it’s not her birthday or anything, and asked why.
I just told her that I was grateful we’re married.
Not that I think the husband is acting the best either. As I told my wife, I’m just happy without all the extra drama in our lives.
[QUOTE=Lakai]
What if it was something important to you?
[/QUOTE]
As far as groceries go, it WAS important to me. But that’s the thing…groceries are of little consequence in the greater scheme of life. What is REALLY important to me is getting along with my husband.
In marriage what is important to one person may conflict with what is important to another. My husband may really prefer a certain kind of coffee (he does - Tanzanian Peaberry) but if I’m shopping and we are in need of coffee, it is important to me not to have to make an extra stop. He forgives the less than ideal coffee in the interest of saving me time - or I make an extra stop in order to please him. Generic cereal may be in the budget over a brand name if the household is a little tight or if you are saving for something special. Marriage is not about “what I want” and “what is important to ME” - its about “what we want” and “what is important to US.” There is a constant dance of compromise and give and take in my marriage (Foxy’s appears to be very different than mine).
My husband throws himself a birthday party every year - and had for a decade before we started dating. I find this shockingly rude - you do not throw a party for yourself. But its a tradition for him. We’ve compromised, we still have a party the weekend of his birthday, it is just no longer a birthday party. I don’t throw a fit and leave the house because he DARES to have a birthday party. He’s listened to me (finds the rule odd, but is willing to acknowledge that a party for oneself is technically ill mannered) and removed the word birthday from the invitation.
[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
My husband throws himself a birthday party every year - and had for a decade before we started dating. I find this shockingly rude - you do not throw a party for yourself. But its a tradition for him. We’ve compromised, we still have a party the weekend of his birthday, it is just no longer a birthday party. I don’t throw a fit and leave the house because he DARES to have a birthday party. He’s listened to me (finds the rule odd, but is willing to acknowledge that a party for oneself is technically ill mannered) and removed the word birthday from the invitation.
[/QUOTE]
Your example here is a good one for this thread, Dangerosa, because it’s in the “social discomfort” arena, not the grocery arena. (Honestly, like you, I’m willing to take a special trip now and again as a favor to my husband, but in general, my answer to another adult who doesn’t like how I buy groceries is to invite them to take over that chore…or at least go buy their own coffee.) I get that there is discomfort when you think a spouse is doing something that might be perceived as rude. So, Foxy fixed it to her satisfaction, and that’s great. But, it’s not worth getting all head-explodey over.