My Husband was WRONG! (Wasn't he?)

In My Humble Opinion
161

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
Your example here is a good one for this thread, Dangerosa, because it’s in the “social discomfort” arena, not the grocery arena. (Honestly, like you, I’m willing to take a special trip now and again as a favor to my husband, but in general, my answer to another adult who doesn’t like how I buy groceries is to invite them to take over that chore…or at least go buy their own coffee.) I get that there is discomfort when you think a spouse is doing something that might be perceived as rude. So, Foxy fixed it to her satisfaction, and that’s great. But, it’s not worth getting all head-explodey over.
[/QUOTE]

Brainiac4 generally does buy the coffee, cause he is pickier than I am on that topic. I’m only buying coffee if we are “going to not have coffee in the house!!!” and I’m at the store anyway. In which case, anything upwards of Maxwell House is better than nothing.

162

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Brainiac4 generally does buy the coffee, cause he is pickier than I am on that topic. I’m only buying coffee if we are “going to not have coffee in the house!!!” and I’m at the store anyway. In which case, anything upwards of Maxwell House is better than nothing.
[/QUOTE]
That sounds about right to me. I heard someone say once that when dividing up household responsibilities, the person who cares the most about a particular thing should be the one who does that thing. In which case, Foxy40 should have dropped the kid off herself, and saved herself the aggravation. Not sure if that was possible in this case, but in general, it’s probably a good policy.

ETA: It works the other way, too…if I absolutely 100% could not live with the cheaper brand of baby food, I probably just should have gone to the store myself.

163

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
That sounds about right to me. I heard someone say once that when dividing up household responsibilities, the person who cares the most about a particular thing should be the one who does that thing.
[/QUOTE]
In (my idea of) a good marriage, then there’s a fair amount of give and take. People are not 100% rational beings. We all have our quirks, and there’s always a balance of accommodations.

My wife likes clothes folded a certain way. I don’t particularly care about it but rather than dump that task on her all the time, I’ve leaned how to fold shirts how she likes them. (The easiest way is to get a shirt she’s folded, and reverse engineer it.)

I personally would be fine with t-shirt just dumped in a drawer, but I know how much she likes to have them lined up, all the right size, and having her feel good about it is worth the time to do the job how she likes it.

I also know that she’s going to bring home my Ebisu beer. It costs a little more than other brands, and while she tends to save pennies, she humors me.

What I can’t comprehend is the attitude that one person gets to make 100% of the decisions and the other must obey. That actually scares me. It’s probably a flashback to my controlling father who wouldn’t allow anyone, including my mother to question him.

I also wonder how you get married to someone who you feel is so incompetent in an area which is of such importance to you, but then don’t come to a mutual agreement on how to handle differences.

Is Foxy40’s husband aware that he’s not allowed to make decisions? Is this a mutual agreement or a unilateral decision?

164

Although I do agree, I don’t think it is THAT big of a deal. I would have definately offered the money myself, but for someone else to not offer the money to me wouldn’t really bother me.

It’s just money…

165

To be fair, the people that I personally know who allow their spouses to control them are the ones who’d have no direction left to their own devices. That includes both men and women.

166

[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer]
In (my idea of) a good marriage, then there’s a fair amount of give and take. People are not 100% rational beings. We all have our quirks, and there’s always a balance of accommodations.

My wife likes clothes folded a certain way. I don’t particularly care about it but rather than dump that task on her all the time, I’ve leaned how to fold shirts how she likes them. (The easiest way is to get a shirt she’s folded, and reverse engineer it.)

I personally would be fine with t-shirt just dumped in a drawer, but I know how much she likes to have them lined up, all the right size, and having her feel good about it is worth the time to do the job how she likes it.

I also know that she’s going to bring home my Ebisu beer. It costs a little more than other brands, and while she tends to save pennies, she humors me.
[/QUOTE]
Well, of course, marriage is all about compromise, sharing, accomodation, etc. I think any marriage without these things is not worth having. But as Diogenes says, the right brand of beer isn’t important. It’s something your wife gets to make you happy, but if she happened to get some other brand for some reason, would your head explode? Would you demand a justification for her decision? Somehow, I doubt it.

167

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
Well, of course, marriage is all about compromise, sharing, accomodation, etc. I think any marriage without these things is not worth having. But as Diogenes says, the right brand of beer isn’t important. It’s something your wife gets to make you happy, but if she happened to get some other brand for some reason, would your head explode? Would you demand a justification for her decision? Somehow, I doubt it.
[/QUOTE]
Of course not. Like is too short to get all worked up about trivial matters. For one thing, I’m not going to order her around like a slave and tell her that she’s incapable of thinking for herself. She’s an adult. If the store didn’t have my beer and she was tired and didn’t feel like going out of her way that day, then I’d understand. If fact, I’d just be happy that she got me a beer.

Likewise, she wouldn’t have bombs go off if the t-shirt isn’t folded exactly to her specs. She appreciates that I make an effort and knows that live isn’t going to go your way 100%. Sometimes shit just happens.

And speaking of sometimes shit happening, then one great thing I’ve learned with my wife is that life goes on even if she completely forgets the beer. While I may have married an angel, she’s a very human one, and – like me – is prone to less than god-like powers.

I guess I don’t see the need for an explosion over the scenario in the OP. Isn’t there a way to reciprocate? Have the friend over for an outing and pay for her food or something? If it is that important, just go over and give with money without all the fireworks.

The part about the expectation of 100% compliance is a flashback to my dictator father who would decide something and expect completely, 100% obedience, regardless of the circumstances. My brother-in-law is like that as well. I’ve helped him at his house, and it’s amazing the level of detail he gives in instructions.

I can’t remember anything off the top of my head, but an example would be if he asked you to clean up a spill on the floor, he would tell you how many paper towels to use. I’ve often been tempted to ask him if he ever considers that other people somehow manage to function even without his constant guidance.

168

[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer]

Is Foxy40’s husband aware that he’s not allowed to make decisions? Is this a mutual agreement or a unilateral decision?
[/QUOTE]

That’s an absurd generalization. As I have said..over and over…to the point I am even boring myself, there was nothing to decide. It was an agreement that he choose not to honor without discussing it first.

There are many decisions he handles. Most of my daughter’s school issues, social arrangements, any thing to do with mechanics or electronics, I could go on and on.

He agreed to do something and didn’t. So, no, a decision should not be changed without being discussed in my relationship.

If you have a relationship that something is talked about and at the last minute, one partner decides to do something different, more power to you…that is not how my husband and I do things.

169

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
That sounds about right to me. I heard someone say once that when dividing up household responsibilities, the person who cares the most about a particular thing should be the one who does that thing. In which case, Foxy40 should have dropped the kid off herself, and saved herself the aggravation. Not sure if that was possible in this case, but in general, it’s probably a good policy.

ETA: It works the other way, too…if I absolutely 100% could not live with the cheaper brand of baby food, I probably just should have gone to the store myself.
[/QUOTE]

Of course I would have dropped the kid off myself if I knew this was an issue. I wasn’t aware it was until I was informed he changed the plan without discussing it with me first.

170

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
Well, of course, marriage is all about compromise, sharing, accomodation, etc. I think any marriage without these things is not worth having. But as Diogenes says, the right brand of beer isn’t important. It’s something your wife gets to make you happy, but if she happened to get some other brand for some reason, would your head explode? Would you demand a justification for her decision? Somehow, I doubt it.
[/QUOTE]

I find it interesting that we have turned something that to me is a big social no no into buying the wrong thing at a grocery store.

A new friend invited my daughter for a certain outing. My husband and I decided money should be exchanged for her food and expenses, he did not honor his agreement.

Now as it turned out, I feel better that we offered it, the host wasn’t embarrassed and seemed grateful. No one was embarrassed after I corrected his faux pas and life is good.

He embarrassed me and his daughter by dropping her off with not a dime for a two day play date at a house that we have yet to establish the protocol of who pays for what.

This thread was about people’s opinions on what is right in these situations. It occurs to me that I haven’t really given mine if I was at the opposite end. So, here it is.

If her mother had dropped of her kid at my house in the same situation and had not offered me any money, I would have thought it was odd AND very rude.

This is how things are done in our social circle. Yes, it is a dance, but it is a dance we play and he knew it and ignored it.

and the bottom line is he forgot but that is neither here nor there at this point.

Am I control freak? Yup, most certainly. However, I am not inflexible and am open to conversations that may change my mind.

But seriously, I don’t care what beer or TP he brings home. What I do care is looking bad and spoiling a new relationship with bad feelings before it had a chance to begin. OFFERING money wouldn’t be a problem NOT offering could be. I choose the correct one.

171

[QUOTE=Foxy40]
This is how things are done in our social circle. Yes, it is a dance, but it is a dance we play and he knew it and ignored it.

and the bottom line is he forgot but that is neither here nor there at this point.

Am I control freak? Yup, most certainly. However, I am not inflexible and am open to conversations that may change my mind.

But seriously, I don’t care what beer or TP he brings home. What I do care is looking bad and spoiling a new relationship with bad feelings before it had a chance to begin. OFFERING money wouldn’t be a problem NOT offering could be. I choose the correct one.
[/QUOTE]

A couple of questions, then, in regards the above response:

  1. You state he forgot - you didn’t say that earlier. If someone made a simple human error and simply forgot something, why is it worth getting so upset over? Yeah, it may be annoying, but I don’t think it should make your head explode.

  2. If you’ve already decided you’ve chosen the “correct” course of action, why did you ask if your husband was wrong or not?

Since you know these people and I don’t, I can only assume that you would be better able to gauge what their reaction (to your face or not) might be for this oversight; however, I find it odd that you don’t assume they’d give you the benefit of the doubt. People forget things all the time - why is this such a big deal? Why is it so very shameful that something just slipped your husband’s mind?

172

[QUOTE=Foxy40]
I find it interesting that we have turned something that to me is a big social no no into buying the wrong thing at a grocery store.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, I said upthread that I think social embarrassment is different from buying the wrong groceries. For me, avoiding social embarrassment is a bigger priority than what brand of coffee to buy, and I don’t blame you for feeling the same way. But I DON’T think that what your husband did is a “big social no-no” as you say here. A minor, minor faux pas MAYBE, but really, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all to assume that an invitation is an invitation…you wouldn’t send your daughter to their house for a playdate with her own snack, would you? You’d probably assume that the host would give her some goldfish crackers & juice. I see this as being pretty much the same thing. It’s nice for you to offer, but it’s not a big deal

That’s fine, but I wouldn’t have if it were me. If I invited a child to go with us to an amusement park, I would be inviting to treat them for the whole day, and that’s what I would assume the other parent would think. You are projecting your feelings and opinions onto this other person, when really, you have no idea what she thought.

Didn’t you say before that he decided not to do it, because they didn’t ask? If he genuinely forgot, then I think you have even less of a reason for a head explosion.

I don’t disagree with that, and I said upthread that I’m glad you got it resolved to your satisfaction.

173

[QUOTE=Foxy40]

But seriously, I don’t care what beer or TP he brings home. What I do care is looking bad and spoiling a new relationship with bad feelings before it had a chance to begin. OFFERING money wouldn’t be a problem NOT offering could be. I choose the correct one.
[/QUOTE]

You don’t know this. This was a new relationship. If your new relationship was with me (or with Diogenes’ wife, or Gangster Octopus), offering money would have been a bigger problem than not offering, and insisting - which you did - would have been a huge no no. As Sarahfeena said, you are projecting your own feelings on someone else.

174

[QUOTE=overlyverbose]

  1. You state he forgot - you didn’t say that earlier. If someone made a simple human error and simply forgot something, why is it worth getting so upset over? Yeah, it may be annoying, but I don’t think it should make your head explode.

?
[/QUOTE]

It came out much later that he simply forgot. His excuse was what was offered in the beginning of the thread to defend himself. I have said we have since resolved the issue and it was then that he admitted he simply forgot which is why he didn’t do what was agreed.

However, the opinion of the issue still remained which is why I didn’t bother to mention it. Is money to be offered or not?

The dynamics of my relationship seems to have become the focus of the thread which is why I offered the end result.

175

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
You don’t know this. This was a new relationship. If your new relationship was with me (or with Diogenes’ wife, or Gangster Octopus), offering money would have been a bigger problem than not offering, and insisting - which you did - would have been a huge no no. As Sarahfeena said, you are projecting your own feelings on someone else.
[/QUOTE]

I don’t know you but quite honestly, I think your attitude is a bit off. If someone offering you funds to pay for meals for a child that you invited to a pricey theme park bothers you, you may need to assess why people being gracious and financially responsible offends you in some way.

I do know that in my social circle you would very fast be labeled as the person who expects other to always pick up the complete tab without even offering to pick up the pop corn at a movie. Your child would not be invited often, that’s for sure because her parents would be considered to be leeches.

176

[QUOTE=Foxy40]
I don’t know you but quite honestly, I think your attitude is a bit off. If someone offering you funds to pay for meals for a child that you invited to a pricey theme park bothers you, you may need to assess why people being gracious and financially responsible offends you in some way.

I do know that in my social circle you would very fast be labeled as the person who expects other to always pick up the complete tab without even offering to pick up the pop corn at a movie. Your child would not be invited often, that’s for sure because her parents would be considered to be leeches.
[/QUOTE]

Keep defending yourself, and next time someone invites you over for dinner, be sure to accept the invitation and leave a twenty by your plate to pay for groceries, or just tip your hostess on your way out the door. You probably won’t be troubled by your social circle in the future. I don’t invite anyone (kid or adult) to my home or on an outing unless I fully intend to pay. I try to be clear about this, but if there are any questions, I would hope guest(s) in question would phone in advance to settle any uncertainties.

177

[QUOTE=Foxy40]
I don’t know you but quite honestly, I think your attitude is a bit off. If someone offering you funds to pay for meals for a child that you invited to a pricey theme park bothers you, you may need to assess why people being gracious and financially responsible offends you in some way.
[/QUOTE]
I can’t speak for Dangerosa for sure, but I imagine it’s because when she extends an invitation to someone, she is herself trying to be gracious, which generally means that she intends to assume the full cost, and not expect people to pony up cash to fund her outing.

Even if she took her turn extending the invitation, and always insisted on picking up the complete tab for those events?

178

[QUOTE=Foxy40]
I don’t know you but quite honestly, I think your attitude is a bit off. If someone offering you funds to pay for meals for a child that you invited to a pricey theme park bothers you, you may need to assess why people being gracious and financially responsible offends you in some way.

I do know that in my social circle you would very fast be labeled as the person who expects other to always pick up the complete tab without even offering to pick up the pop corn at a movie. Your child would not be invited often, that’s for sure because her parents would be considered to be leeches.
[/QUOTE]

As I said before, offering is fine, insisting is RUDE.

You aren’t being gracious. You are saying I’m not capable of being a good host. You are insulting me. You are saying I can’t afford to treat and that I’ve invited having no intention of fulfilling my responsibilities. You are not allowing ME to be responsible for MY OWN INVITATIONS.

In my circle I’m known as the person who invites other people’s kids movies and pays. The person who invites you out to dinner as “my treat.” The person who makes sure they reciprocates when invited out. The person who treats people to dinner because they are having a rough time. I’ve picked up the tab for six people at a Dopefest - most of whom I’ve never met before. Still want to call me a leech?

179

[QUOTE=Tabula Rasa]
Keep defending yourself, and next time someone invites you over for dinner, be sure to accept the invitation and leave a twenty by your plate to pay for groceries, or just tip your hostess on your way out the door. You probably won’t be troubled by your social circle in the future. I don’t invite anyone (kid or adult) to my home or on an outing unless I fully intend to pay. I try to be clear about this, but if there are any questions, I would hope guest(s) in question would phone in advance to settle any uncertainties.
[/QUOTE]

I don’t’ have to defend myself. It is very clear that there is a big difference between being invited to someone’s home and having my child invited to a high price amusement park. In addition, I think it is very unfair that the children should suffer if their particular parent can’t afford to pony up for such an outing and would rather send their own child’s expenses so not to be under obligation. In your scenario, if I am unable to ever pay for my child AND her child to such an expensive place, my child should never get to go.

Pretty harsh and quite frankly, elitist.

180

There are benefits to elitism.