My mom is enabling my brother's moochy behavior

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Too mild for pitting, so here goes:

My mom and brother have a dysfunctional relationship. My parents divorced when my brother was 7, and in spite of my dad cheating on my mom and being kind of a deadbeat to us my brother considered my dad the ‘cool parent’ and in his early teens moved with him 4 hours away from my mom and I. During all of this my mom tried to support my brother as best as she could.

As an adult, my brother has a beautiful daughter and wife, and continues to live in the same area as my dad. During all this time, my dad has done pretty much zilch to support or help my brother, while my mom has helped him in many ways. What drives me nuts, though, is that she is enabling him. :mad:

For instance, he’s a Veteran, and covered under TriCare. But he somehow couldn’t figure out how to get dental coverage so my mom just stepped in and had him covered under her insurance. Whenever he needed dental work, he would drive down here (there weren’t any dentists that were covered by my mom’s insurance near where my brother lived). He needed pretty extensive work; thousands of dollars worth even WITH insurance. But because he was ‘poor’ my mom paid for it, every cent. Now, in spite of the fact that my mom is the only reason he isn’t walking around with a set of wooden teeth, he continually picks fights with her, ignores her, blames her for everything, etc. As his older brother and also a son that actually really appreciates all the support my mom has given me, its really infuriating to see him treat my mom so poorly. Because he never bothers to visit on his own (unless he wants something from her) she tries to make the most out of the time he spends in town to get his teeth fixed by offering to take him out/hang out with him. But the whole time he’ll pick fights, antagonize her, complain that she’s not helping him, etc :rolleyes: This wouldn’t be too unusual for a young teen of divorced parents (I was no saint at 14 when my parents first divorced) but he’s in his mid twenties and still acting like this.

During Thanksgiving (my brother wasn’t there, spent it with my dad) my Mom mentioned a big vacation she wanted to take with us in 2015. She wanted to rent a vacation house in Hawaii for a week or two and have all of us go on vacation together. Both my wife and I were psyched and extremely grateful she would be willing to pay for the lodging for the trip. But when my mom was talking to me during Thanksgiving she was worried my brother and his wife wouldn’t be able to afford the airfare. She was thinking about just paying for their flight, because once again, they’re “poor” and she wouldn’t want them to miss out on the trip just because they couldn’t afford it.

This made me angry. I told my mom that my brother cries poverty to manipulate her into paying for stuff. Now that he has her first granddaughter, he has a very valueable barganing chip. I told her not to let him blackmail her with her grandaughter just to get out of paying airfare and food- the trip is 18 months away whicih should be plenty of time to save up the money if he wants to go badly enough. He’s not poor, he’s a moocher; they live out in the middle of nowhere and their rent is 10% of mine living the Bay Area. He sat on his ass on unemployment until it ran out, then used the GI bill to go to community college while continuing to get living expenses. His wife works full-time in an office.

I know I can’t change other people, I guess I’m more venting than anything. But its so frustrating seeing him take advantage of my Mom. If he was genuinely in need, I wouldn’t mind that she helped him in so many ways, but he simply sits on his hands until somebody pays stuff for him. If he finds my mom so insufferable, then he could pay to get his own damn teeth fixed/airfare/etc. :mad:

2

Just as pro-tip it never, ever ends with moms and moochy kids. They will take until the money runs out and the mother is on the street, and the mom will never stop ponying up. Attempts to get her to stop will be met with passive or active resistance. You need to wrap you head around this as a hard fact.

You are antagonizing yourself to no good end. You have to let this go. You have no power in this. Zero. Attempts to convince her to go the tough love route are way too late. You need to let it go and move on.

3

Watched the same thing with my wife’s oldest brother and their mother. There’s nothing you can do.

4

Yep but it was her younger brother. Mum has a lot of guilt.

5

Sorry, but +1 here. There’s no talking to a Mom whose child is in need. Especially a child miraculously returned from combat. (Yes, yes, I know, and you know, but we’re talking about how a Mother’s heart perceives it.) Get a copy of “The Giving Tree.” Force yourself to read it through, and have a nice, therapeutic retch at the end and then get on with your own life.

You can, however, speak up when he’s rude to her. Never, ever do it in terms of all that she’s done for him, but simply addressing the way she deserves to be spoken to as a human and a Mom. Don’t allow him to disrespect her in your presence. This may possibly awaken some sense of accountability in one or the other of them, but only if you can discipline yourself to divorce it completely from any “mooching” discussions.

It’s hard to watch, I know. Hang in there. And keep in mind that your Mother has made this decision for herself. She’s not being tricked or intimidated here, she’s as guilty as he is.

6

You could try continuously asking one question, again and again, till maybe it sinks in. I’m thinking something like, when she shares her latest financial support for the mooch, you could politely ask, “Remind me again, is the goal assuaging your guilt, putting yourself in the poor house, or crippling his independence and self respect? I can never keep straight which one it is, day to day!” Smile. Drop it and say no more. Do not be drawn in.

Should she begin to make explanation, stop her and say something like, “Hey, you don’t owe me any explanation, you’re both adults, if this is what makes you feel good, have at it! I’m happy you’re happy and can afford it!” Smile. Drop it. Refuse to be drawn in further.

Let. It. Go.

You need to retrain how you think, just as much as she does. What helped me was writing out, “You cannot help someone, by doing for them, what the could, or should do for themselves!” Tape it someplace where you’ll read it every day.

Eventually, you’ll get past your clouding emotions and it will truly sink in, and you won’t feel the need to fight this battle any more. It will no longer make you upset, or raise your blood pressure. Then you will have truly absorbed that this is entirely on them to resolve or not, now, later or never!

But mostly I wanted to come in and wish you an ocean of Good Luck, this is not an easy journey!

7

This is extremely common, usually with the youngest child.

Mention to your mother that ‘brother isn’t good with finances – it’s not his expertise’ (non-blaming), and offer to help him out with it. (He won’t accept.) But keep making the offer to your mother, and offering suggestions. The point of this is to establish in your mothers mind that you are the child that’s ‘good with financial stuff’. So that when the time comes as she ages that she needs help and gives financial power of attorney to someone, that someone will be you. You do NOT want brother to ever have this – he will run through her assets very quickly.

Mother can leave her inheritance however she wants in her will; it’s her money. But now is the time to begin talking to her about the heavy taxes that her heirs would have to pay if they inherit one big sum, and the advantages of structuring her estate so that a certain amount is paid out each year instead. Talk about avoiding inheritance tax by leaving brother only a nominal amount, and passing most of her inheritance directly to her granddaughter directly. (Held in trust while she’s a minor, with you as trustee.) Talk about this now, while your mother’s in the glow of “my first grandchild”.

You can’t do much about your brothers’ mooching deadbeat ways (sounds like he inherited them from your fther!), but you can try this to protect your mother (and grandchild) in the future.

8

Your brother sounds like he was medically retired if he is still getting Tricare, which would mean he should get Dental under I believe either United Concordia or Humana I just know it’s separate from Tricare. So if he is medically retired it sounds like he should be getting a check every month which maybe it’s not enough to live on by itself but makes me wonder why he mooches off your Mom so much.

9

The guy sounds like he’s depressed and has a lot of mental issues. Maybe you should appreciate that you have a mom that won’t turn her back on her kid and stop trying to make her feel bad for trying to help him. You’re just making yourself part of the problem.

10

I’m not against him getting help he actually needs. The Dental issue I feel he kind of sat on his hands because he knew my Mom would sort it out.

When he was in Iraq, he had all sorts of plans he wanted to do- buy an inexpensive mobile home, go back to school, etc. But when he got back, it all went to shit. He bought a sports car with the money he saved up, didn’t like it, ended up selling it at a huge loss, bought a truck, wrecked it, then bought some beater while renting a room in a dumpy little house in the middle of nowhere. While back from the military I guess he got some amount of unemployment- a year, I think, and he decided to just stay unemployed and party. Him and his girlfriend (now wife) started to get serious, she got pregnant, and they got engaged. They moved together in a very cheap rental home, and he used his GI Bill to go back to school. My brother and I had also received an inheritance which he used to purchase a more reliable vehicle.

He can be frugal when he wants to, but be blatantly takes advantage of my mom. For example, upon discovering she would be coming to visit (to see his new place), they took the majority of their old living room furniture and hid it in the shed, to make it look like he was too poor to afford furniture. Of course my mom was mortified at the thought of him living like a pauper, and bought him a couch and a few other things he wanted but was too cheap to buy himself.

When I was engaged to be married, he simply assumed I would pay for his tuxedo rental :rolleyes: . Even though I was married in a wedding that had 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen, he was the only one in the wedding party that assumed this. We had given bridesmaids/groomsmen plenty of advance notice, and I had picked the cheapest rental suit design to minimize the financial burden on everybody. He might try to claim poverty, but two of my sisters-in-law had neither a job nor a GI bill, yet still paid for their dresses/shoes and paid for our limo rental and wedding photographer. My brother didn’t even offer any help whatsoever, even though at his wedding I paid for all the alcohol for the guests and helped him with many of the actual preparations.

What bugs me is he’s capable, he just chooses not to because someone is going to step in and take care of it. He could have easily saved up the money for the Tuxedo Rental over a year, but since he was with my mom he just played dumb and guilted her into paying it. This tends to happen with lots of things. It probably wouldn’t bug me if he was respectful and loving toward her, but he treats her like some sort of menace in his life even though he lives 250 miles away and sees her infrequently.

11

Something I forgot to mention, part of the reason it bothers me is because up until my brother’s wedding, I had been making pretty good progress helping to patch up the relationship between my mom and my brother. When one of them would vent about the other, I would talk to them in a tone that indicated I was on everyone’s side, I supported all of our desires, and I believed the more we got along the less annoying we would all be together.

Its been two steps forward, one step back over the past few years with this. I thought my Mom had really started to put her foot down with my brother at his wedding. Since at my wedding my mom paid for the Reception Hall and Rehearsal Dinner, she thought it fair she pay for stuff at my brother’s wedding (perfectly reasonable). My brother’s wedding was much smaller than mine, and so she didn’t have to pay as much.Originally, she was going to just write him a check for the difference as a wedding gift, but the whole weekend of the weddding he treated her like absolute shit even though she was doing everything for him. She though about how he was giving her zero respect, and ripped the check up :smiley: (she also never told him she was going to pay the difference, so he never knew).

I figured after the check-ripping moment, my Mom had kind of opened her eyes to how he treats her. But now she wants to pay his airfare, because she feels bad they might get excluded from not being able to contribute. So it feels like a step backward to me.

12

Your mother has the right to spend her money however she wishes. Just forget about this issue.

13

It does sound like your brother is a mooch who needs an attitude adjustment, but I think you’re looking at this vacation from the wrong perspective. Your mother, for better or for worse, wants your brother and his family to come. It’s her decision to subsidize that, regardless of his overall pattern of behavior, because she wants them there. Your mother is an adult and will make decisions as she wishes, not just how you want her to. (Honestly it sounds like Mooch Brother might not be able to afford airfare for 3 to Hawaii.)

It sounds like you want to see your brother get punished. That probably will happen eventually, but I don’t think it’s mentally healthy for you to stew about it until it does.

14

Quit worrying about their relationship; it isn’t your problem. It doesn’t sound like you are having to make up for any shortfall so your mom can eat or keep her power on. In fact, you are happily accepting her largesse when it comes to paying for vacations and weddings for you.
If your brother is abusive to your mom, you should step in, but it has nothing to do with her having purchased niceness from him.

15

The difference is that I show appreciation for what she does, and treat her with respect. It just bothers me that my brother finds her so insufferable yet is so willing to accept her help, and that my mom gets upset about it yet continues to enable him.

I’m just venting about it. I know I can’t force them to change their behavior, that doesn’t mean I hope for something better. shrug

16

I always thought this was standard procedure. I was a groomsman twice in which the tux’es and dresses were expensive and provided for everyone gratis. In fact, both of those weddings I got a gift for the hassle of being in the wedding party.

And then in my cousin’s wedding none of that was paid for or provided. I guess it has to do with the affluence of the affair? :confused:

17

Watching this play out in my family. My aunt (Mom’s sister) has a moochy son, my cousin. Thing is, he’s 58 years old and has mooched his entire life, except for brief periods where his wives paid the bills.

He’s been married 3 times, has 3 adult kids who left the state as soon as they were old enough. Cousin is currently single, and having no luck finding yet another woman to support him. He’s worked sporadically throughout his life but has little education and few skills, so he gets crappy jobs that he quits as soon as a boss “disrespects” him by asking him to do something.

My aunt supports him. Pays his rent, gives him an allowance, buys his trucks. He even raids her refrigerator like a teenager when he visits to ask for more money. Aunt and Uncle are tapped out and now qualify for government cheese. But they still support their baby. They will die of old age soon, and there is nothing left for him to inherit. He will probably starve.

18

Was this serious advice? I can’t imagine a way to be more of a passive-aggressive dick than to ask someone an incredibly snide question, then interrupt them when they respond with “No need to tell me! Whatever makes you happy!”

Dropping the subject and letting it go is good advice. That means actually not bringing it up, and calmly changing the subject when it does, perhaps with a simply stated “I think he’s taking advantage of you and it makes me upset to talk about it”. It doesn’t mean getting a good dig in whenever the moment presents itself.

19

Gah- my best friend has 3 grown up, adult kids: Two are fine and one (also the youngest) is always in need. This youngest one was heard to say “Yeah, I take advantage of mom, but she always comes through and I like it that way.”

I guess my friend likes it, too. I think it makes her feel needed.

The other two kids find this behavior annoying at best and disgusting at worst.