On Wednesday I started a thread that said I get over things quickly. Basically, I think that if something cannot be changed, it’s best to accept it and move on. But still there are moments…
My sister said that she got a card from an aunt and uncle (dad’s sister and her husband) that said they’ve included mom in a prayer thing at their church. Yesterday I received a card from dad’s other sister and her husband that they have made a donation in mom’s name to Salesian Missions. I welled up both times. I also started welling up yesterday at Worksource Washington, where I had to go in and show proof that I’m looking for work. (I filled out my job log and also printed off application confirmation e-mails. The woman said I didn’t need to do that, but it’s good that I’m keeping track.) I asked about ‘hardship leave’. I was told that I would not receive unemployment benefits if I’m not available for work, but that I can ‘look for work’ in Arizona or I can ‘be available to fly back for a job or interview immediately’. Sounded like I was getting advice on how to scam the system. Anyway, it was hard to bring up my mom’s death and I almost lost it a little. I held it together though.
Goodness Johnny L. A. go ahead and cry, it’s part of the healing process. Crying is natural, and you can continue living even during tears. Part of moving on, is admitting and expressing all the stages of grief, even while going on with your life. My husband and I still grieve, it’s almost been a year, yet we are going on with our lives. This means that we cry, or express anger at the cosmos as part of healing and moving on. (Yes, I still have times when I feel angry that she got struck down just as she was feeling at ease again and making plans for the future.)
I think it will be pretty normal to have spells for the next several months (up to or exceeding a year) where you start to “well up.” You might feel normal or that you’ve “gotten over it” a lot of the time, and then BAM! Something comes along and reminds you of your mom and you start to well up.
This might be how it will work for you, Johnny. I don’t know; everyone grieves differently. All I can say is that it is not unusual to feel the effects for quite a while, even after you think you’re “over” it. In a way, I don’t think you ever get over it. Everyone in our family occasionally wells up when thinking about my dad, and he’s been gone for some years. As I frequently say (on these boards and in real life), after a while, missing them becomes bittersweet. The tears or rush of emotion almost (after a while) becomes a comfort, because it means that they are always close to you, in your heart. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed.
Johnny, I’m so very sorry. And doubly sorry that I’m coming to this thread so late, but I almost never check this forum. I know what you are going through - the pain of losing my mother still hasn’t completely faded, and I don’t think it ever will. The ‘initial’ grief took over four months for me to get past - don’t push yourself, just let all the feelings, good and bad, come as they will.
Johnny I wish I had met your mom. Any mother that gave her son an MGB (running or not) had to be one of the great ones in my book.
As luck would have it I am quite good with motor cars (particular those of the older English genre) And I live a hell of a lot closer than Coldie. What can I do to help get the B ready? Say the word buddy. E mail is in the profile if you don’t have it any longer.
I’m so sorry for your loss Johnny. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my father last April after a 10 year bout with Alzheimer’s and related health problems. It was hard, but as you said, she’s through it all now and at peace. That’s the way I feel about dad. Grieve as you need to grieve. There’s no “getting over it”, but it does get a little easier as time passes.
My sister went to Phoenix over the weekend. She brought back the tax paperwork, and will take it to an accountant. She brought mom’s ashes back, and put them in the same box as Turk’s. (They’re in separate plastic bags.) She will tell the tenants in the San Diego house to send the rent cheques to me. I need to see about setting up a separate ‘house account’. We’ve agreed to take 35% of the rent each for our own uses, and put the rest into the ‘house account’ for taxes, insurance and repairs.
The house in Phoenix (Peoria) needs to be emptied and cleaned, and put up for sale. It’s a nice house on a corner lot. I wish I could transport it up here and replace my house with it, I like it that much. (I like my house, too.) Sis will contact a realtor soon. The development where it is has a minimum age requirement of 55. (At least for the homewoner – one of the lesbian couple across the street is under 55. They are very nice people, by the way. They gave my mom a wreath and big red bows to put up at Christmas. I put the decorations up, since mom was in hospital. Mom always liked their Christmas decorations.) I hope there’s someone who’s at least 55 who wants to buy a house!
I’m very glad my sister was there. She and mom didn’t get along very well for a long time. I finally got them together in the '80s. I think that it’s healthy that sis was able to be there so that she could do for mom.
Johnny --I don’t know you (having just recently started to post here myself) but I am so sorry for your loss, and your sister’s.
I lost one sister in 1997 and another one last August. I still well up upon occasion, myself.
It’s like a Great Eraser came down and those people are now just gone. I miss my sister at strange little times-for example, I used to call her on my way home from work and now I hate the drive home from work, because I can’t talk to her. Or I’ll being doing something or see something on TV and say, Leigh would love that! And I reach for the phone…it’s hard.
And all the “business” that has to be completed, finalized etc–it can be overwhelming. Sounds to me like maybe you could go down to AZ, but I don’t know anything about the unemployment system–I hope you can work out something.
From what I’ve read here-you were a good son. And you miss your mom. Things do get better, but in odd ways and not all at once. I understand from your post that you have knee trouble–I liken grief to an emotional hobbling–at least for a time.