Deeply sorry to read this news.
Without going into detail, your story reminds me in some ways of when I lost my dad in 1977, particularly the strained relationship part.
I have no doubt that you were a wonderful daughter.
Peace be with you.
Biggest of hugs and sympathies, Jackie. I lost my mother two years ago this very day (her heart failed during a mastectomy), and it still hurts. Cancer is hell, there’s really not much you could have done for her. No matter how strained your relationship, I’m sure she loved you very much, and you loved her and I’m sure she knew it. That’s the knowledge that you have to carry with you. It will get better, sweetie. I’ll be thinking of you.
::bigbighugs::
I am pretty new to the board. I did want to tell you how sorry I am and how I am sure you were a good daughter. I bet your mother thought you were wonderful and was very proud of you. Almost all parents think that about their children.
I am praying for you.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Infectious Lass. You are in my prayers.
I’m sorry to hear that. 
My mother just passed away last Saturday, and it has been hard to take. For me it helped to be around family who knew her best, and I went through our family photos and remembered all the good times, and all the amazing things she did in her life. That helped to not feel so cheated by her early death. It’s been a week now, and I’m still trying to get used to the idea that I can’t just call her to ask a question, and I know I’ll half expect her to be there next time I go to visit my dad. The shell shock has worn off, but the reality hasn’t quite set in just yet.
Anyway, I’m not trying to hijack this thread, just wanted to share my experience in empathy. I hope you have friendly ears to reminisce about her good times with, and that you know that she loved you.
Don’t hesitate to email me if you need an ear or want to talk to someone going through the same.
Sorry to hear about your loss, Jackie. You are in my prayers.
You are in my prayers, Jackie. I lost my mother to cancer just last month–it’s still painful (even though when she died, we were all praying for it since she had suffered so badly). The grieving process takes time and I think everyone goes through it at differing paces. Try to remember the good times; those memories will always be with you.
Condolences, Infectious Lass. My father passed away very suddenly, 6 1/2 years ago.
Every now and then, I have extremely vivid dreams about him in which I still know he has passed away, but we converse about current events in my life. I’ll share stories about my son (who was born 3 1/2 years after my dad died), or he’ll make references to something I did since the last dream.
In one dream that still makes me smile, he busted my ass. I had gone to a movie the night before, and the theater has the pay by the pound candy dispensers. Well, I pulled the handle too hard, and wound up buying $13 worth of skittles. In my dream, I came home, and he looked up from where he was laying down on the couch, and said “I was going to come out and bring the wheelbarrow for those skittles, but I see you managed all by yourself.”
Every time I have one of those dreams, it seems like I am at a low point in my life. But I’m telling you, I never feel better than I do the next day. I feel like I had a visit, and while he may not be here with us, he’s not gone and he’s keeping an eye on us.
One last story…a couple of days after he died, my mom went to take a shower when the cold water handle came off in her hand. She stood there in the cold shower, crying, feeling helpless, when she came to the realization that she needed to take care of this herself. She managed to get the water turned off, and sized up the situation. Nothing was broken, but the screw holding the handle on had come off, and she needed to screw it back in. She looked at the screw, and knew she needed a phillips head screwdriver. She wasn’t sure where he had kept the tools, so she started to look for something she could use in a pinch. Looking around the bathroom, something caught her eye. In the toothbrush rack was something she could use. A phillips head screw driver that my father had put there because he didn’t feel like walking to the basement and put away a week earlier. My mom sat on the edge of the bathtub, crying and laughing at the same time. It was almost as if he had left it there for her for exactly this reason. Now, my mother, my brother and I all keep a screwdriver in our toothbrush rack in our own houses in honor of my father.
Trust me, you may not realize it now, but in a couple of months, you will have several stories in which you were touched by the spirit of your mother. You will hear her voice and feel her touch. Look forward to it, and enjoy the moments when they happen.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Infectious Lass. The only thing I can say, as one who has also lost a parent to bowel cancer is – take it one day at a time. Whenever the recriminations rise up inside your head, go out and seek the company of friends.
Bit by bit, it will get better. Bit by bit.
{{{{Infectious Lass }}}}
What Ice Wolf said.
Be strong. This does not mean being hard. You’ll need to bend like the grass. That’s ok. You’ll survive, and do your mum proud.
Please accept my sincere condolences upon your loss, Jackie. Do not be too hard upon yourself. This too shall pass.
Everyone,
Thankyou so much for all the kind words. It really means a lot. I had to go offline a big abruptly last night (the phone was needed as you can imagine) I managed to get a bit of sleep last night, it wasn’t easy as you might think.
I’ll try not to beat myself up about ‘what if’ I know that’s the road to madness, but still it’s kind of the first thing that springs to mind almost. My boyfriend told me the same thing.
I just have to hold on to the fact that she isn’t suffering anymore. That is our main comfort. That’s what I told myself as I lay in bed last night.
My boyfriend Andy was so good and kind last night. He has a cynical exterior but he really is a wonderful person. He helped a lot.
Thankyou all, I have read every post and every one has helped. I wish I could thank you all indevidually, but I am a bit…I don’t know how to describe it now, I will later I promise
I see everything in the house and it reminds me of her. I can’t believe she is gone.
Thankyou again everyone. And I forgot to say, can you spare any thoughts and prayers for my brothers and my dad too? I was so selfish just mentioning myself (oh there I go with the beating myself up bit again I know I know)
And I would just like to say if anyone you know or you is ever short of breath or has bleeding ‘down there’ or persistant diarreah PLEASE see the doctor. If they catch it early it will save your life. I didn’t know the symptoms, none of us did…of course that leads to the whole guilt thing. I know.
Thankyou again everyone. I’m going to print this thread out and keep it with me.
Thanks
Jackie
Sweetie,
Please make sure to let your good hearted man ‘comfort’ you repeatedly. I’m glad you have someone to be there for you.
Z
I will light a candle for you if you are not offended by Wicca. You will be in my thoughts for peace of mind and well being through this trying time.
Alot of support around here, but let me know if you need anything more or another ear for anything from laughing, crying, letting out memories or ranting.
Casey1505, those were wonderful stories and thank you for sharing. It’s the quirky little things that sometimes keep us going.
And come to think of it I pretty much have a small collection of tools in my bathroom, but now I will think of you and your father when I see them.
Granted they aren’t in the toothbrush holder, but they are in another odd place. My hair ribbion basket!
Zenster,
Yeah, I’m so glad I have him. I don’t know how I would have coped without him.
Kricket,
Not only am I not offended by Wicca, my religious beliefs such as they are are mostly neo pagan if that makes any sense. Thankyou.
thanks for listening to me. and yes Casey’s stories were good. Do you know I heard my grandmother’s voice in my sleep once? I don’t know if it was really her, but I do think that this world isn’t the only one.
I’m kind of rambling here sorry.
I will be back later thanks everyone
J
I.L.,
First of all, my deepest condolences to you and your family.
My Mom passed away July 10 1995. She’d been ill for a long time too. I guess all I can do is tell you about some of the things that happened to me, so you’ll have some idea what to expect.
First of all, you’re going to catch yourself starting to go check on her or get her meds ready at the regular time - something along those lines anyway. It took days before it wasn’t strange to still be sitting at home instead of going off the the hospital at the regular time.
You’ll start remembering dozens of things you meant to ask her.
You’ll probably dream about her and wake up expecting her to be there.
You’ll open the fridge or cupboard and not be able to use the foods that were her’s - favorite cookies, anything she left half finished, etc. I remember it felt really strange to eat the stuff out of Mom’s freezer because at some level I couldn’t quite understand that she wouldn’t be needing it.
At some point, there will be someone her height and build walking down the street or through the mall and for a minute you’ll be sure it’s her. You might even start to call her.
There are so many other things too. Of course it won’t be exactly the same for you, but I’ve talked to a number of friends who’ve lost someone, and their experiences were pretty simuler.
Hang in there. I want to send that out to everone else on this thread that’s had a loss too. It won’t be easy, but would you really want it to be? After all, if it didn’t hurt it would mean it didn’t matter, and I know how much it does matter to you. Take your time and mourn her for as long as you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you when it’s time to stop. There isn’t a set scheduale and you’ll find that you let go of things at different times. You might cry for the next week or you might stay in total control for months and then suddenly weep for three days straight. You might never cry at all. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about your Mom. Don’t be surprised if you get really mad at her at some point. If you have to shut all the windows and just yell at her, go for it. Tell her that you’re mad she left. Do take care of yourself, and if you can, take care of your brothers and Dad. Busy is good. Hug your boyfriend from all the Dopers - he sounds like a good guy.
Love, zoogirl (Ann)
I’m not the most religious guy in the world, but it has nothing to do with religion. If you believe it, felt in your heart, and had a sense of calm and happiness because of it, it was her. Cherish that feeling. It is something special indeed.
Infectious Lass, my thoughts and prayers go out to you, your Dad, your brothers, and your Mom’s spirit. Glad to hear your boyfriend is being a comfort to you in these hard times.
Don’t worry about being “over-emotional” at this point. It’ll take a while to sort your feelings out. And don’t beat up on yourself. We all have flaws, and tend to berate ourselves. I’m sure that your Mom was proud of you and glad to have you so present in her life.
BTW, I was following the Pit thread yesterday about adult children living with parents. Your post was obviously straight from the heart, and made a lot of sense. When I read it, I thought “You Go Girl!”. It was one of those posts that (IMHO) make the SDMB such a joy to be a part of. It was perhaps unfortunate that you launched out at a couple of previous posters, but hey, it’s the Pit. And anyway, you made several very good points.
Take good care of yourself, Jackie. And yes, time will heal the pain. I know that sounds like small consolation right now.
Jackie and Figzig
My thoughts are with both of you and your families.
I tend to avoid these threads. My father died almost five years ago, and I still miss him terribly. Reading these threads brings back the memories even more strongly.
But to Infectious Lass and other Dopers who have lost a parent, please know that whenever I see a thread title such as this one that I do send condolences even if I don’t post them.