Everyone, thankyou again. I can’t really talk too much now, I am kind of I don’t know, I will be able to talk again soon.
Thankyou so much for everything you have said.
I can’t say so much right now but please know you’ve all really helped. and your words brought a lot of comfort today, thanks.
j
Sorry for your loss dear…I lost both my parents a long time ago and the pain is still there at time, I know what you are feeling. 
It will get better in time, trust me, it will.
I am so sorry-hand in there.
hugs
Sorry as hell to hear it, Lass. All our best to ya, in a rough time. What little I can say has already been said more eloquently than I could, but I’ll emphasize this much:
It doesn’t get “better”, but it does get easier to deal with, and accept, as time goes by.
Hi again everyone.
I have written about my feelings in my lj a bit today, that helps a bit. But I don’t think I can say too much yet a while.
As I say in my lj (if you want to read it, the link to my homepage in my profile will lead you to the link to it, it’s right there on the front page.) I just remembered that it is my birthday next week, that’s going to be hard. I am afraid that every year when my birthday comes around I am going to be reminded of this, but that is a selfish way to think
I hope that with time the good memories will outweigh the bad and I can look back on my mum you know with fondness and happiness you know what I mean? It’s all still too raw and too much of a shock right now.
Thankyou again everyone.
Hi.
Sorry to bump this up again, It will be the last time I promise but I want to say a little bit more if that’s okay thankyou. 
Fizgig, I want to say thankyou for sharing when this is a hard time for you too, I know exactly what you are going through, I know we will feel better again though it is hard to believe now hugs
Guinastasia, would you mind if I friended your live journal? If you don’t want me to I will understand and it is okay you’re one of my favourite posters and I like old royalty and the Romanovs too, I don’t know if you ever read the sdmb lj friends’ list but I sometimes mention my interest in those things there. I thought of Olga and Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia last night and how they faced their fate with such bravery and grace, Alexei too of course. It did comfort me a little. Thankyou for your condolences, thankyou to you all who posted your condolences, I can’t thank you enough. all of you.
Loaded Dog, I have thought often last night and yesterday about how I have to be strong but not hard and bend like the wind, that is such a beautiful metaphor
You have all helped. If I have not mentioned you individually believe me you have helped too. Those of you who offered me to write to you if I like. Thankyou I may take you up on that in the next few days though with everything being bad right now I may forget forgive me if I do
Last night before I went to bed I looked through the photo albums I saw many pictures of her before I was born when she was young and happy and she was smiling many beach holidays she loved the seaside, it is a comfort to know that she left this world on a lovely sunny day much like the ones in those holidays that she loved so much. I saw the pictures of her with me when I was a baby and I know it is true that she loved me so much and I feel so guilty now for the pain I caused her with my depression over the school stuff the bullying that happened to me etc, that caused her pain, I knew it then too but now I see it so clearly. I’m so sorry Mum.
Thankyou everyone I’m sorry for bumping the thread up you all helped so much and you have helped me feel some peace thanks.
Infectious Lass, you don’t need to apologize for bumping the thread (at least as far as I am concerned). I know that it’s cathartic for you to write, and I don’t think the SDMB hamsters are going to begrudge you the extra turns of the wheel.
Please continue writing, Jackie. A lot of people that you’ve never met in real life are praying for you and sending good energy your way.
Keep talking Lass. We’re here for you.
{{{Infectious Lass}}}
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I came into this thread a bit late, but I offer my condolences at this sad time in your life.
Hugs from Quasi
I’m late too, but condolences to Infectious Lass and fizgig. I’ve been in the same place and have some understanding of what you’re going through. All the very best.
Jackie, may I say how impressed I am that you’ve taken such a mature attitude to your loss? It’s a good thing that you can talk about your mum and your relationship to her. Some of us find it hard to confront that memory even after years have passed. Congratulations on being so strong.
Everyone, thanks again.
oh Antonius I know I get silly. I was worried that I might be imposing my sorrow on you all, but I know that is silly, oh I get these ideas in my head and how I go on and on about them, that used to drive Mum crazy!
Siemsi, Bosda, Quasi thankyou so much. and those thanks go to everyone who has posted in this thread, again thankyou all I can’t say it enough!
Narrad thankyou for your kind words also. Am I really strong? you know if you say that then I must be I guess. Oh I worry about accepting compliments because I don’t like to appear like I might be big headed or some such nonesense oh but I can’t be a selfless martyr all the time right now I need to take some time for myself I know.
I can tell you that today has been a little easier than yesterday. Today, Dad and Gary and Robert, my brothers (I will say more of my third brother who lives quite a long way away a little later) went to take care of all the formal legal stuff. We are very lucky that Robert works in the benefit office for the government so he knows all about that stuff. we have to stop her money you see, her pension and her allowance for her illness and the disability it caused I don’t know the name of it I am afraid and Gary is a solicitor so he can take care of anything legal it is all sorted out
and they have been to see the funeral director and the funeral is next tuesday. I have been very frightened about the funeral I have never been to one before (when I lost granny I was just a young child and Mum thought I was too young for the funeral and I was glad because the idea of the funeral scared me as it does now) I don’t really know what to expect I have been so dreading it but I know I must go for her I can’t not, but I am scared, I have talked to Dad and to Andy about it and they have soothed my fear a bit but it is still a bit scary. Are funerals not so terrible really? they say they really aren’t and in fact they can be helpful and not painful. I hope so
Andy is taking me shopping for clothes for the funeral tomorrow. as I don’t have anything suitable right now. I am not really sure what is appropriate I have never been a very clothes orientated person I am an inside my mind sort of person if you get my meaning mum was a lot like that too. But andy will help me he has been so good and he has called me twice today to talk to me and I called him in the morning while Dad and the boys were taking care of all the details. It means so much.
This post is getting long so I will continue in another one okay.
While Dad and the boys were out, I had a bit of a cry, I have actually been surprised that I have not cried more, this feeling is more of a very deep sadness that is like this terrible dull deep heavy painful hurt deep in my tummy. I can’t describe the feeling. But I hope you know what I mean? I remember well what Zoogirl, Ann, said about there being no wrong and no right way to grieve, yes it is important to remember that, and not to feel you are feeling ‘wrong’ as if there could be a ‘wrong’ way.
I have begun to have angry feelings I find myself saying why did this happen to her? why did it have to? why did she have to get that horrible disease? and of course there is no answer, how can there be? I found myself talking to her as if she was still here, talking to the sofa that she died on on Saturday night. oh god.
It is still so hard to accept that she is not here anymore. the photos have helped looking at them last night was painful but comforting too, to see her alive and healthy and happy and to know that her life you know really meant something. And I realise too what a priviledge it was for me to be there at the end of her life if you know what I mean, these last moments in this world and me and Dad could be there with her so she was not alone. It was hard and so painful but it had to be just as the funeral I am dreading so has to be. Robert and Gary were not there I think they are sad about that but I tell them it’s okay it really is, me and Dad were there for them and Mum knows how they love her too I know.
I have not talked to my brother Michael for many years. We had a row a bad one. Please don’t judge Michael harshly for what I will tell please, he is human and flawed like us all. He was saying bad racial slurs in front of his kids and I was angry and said he should not and he said it was just a joke and that he knew black people at work and they were friends etc and his wife I am afraid I do not like her although now I feel I must let go of all hatred and anger I really do feel that she attacked me physically because I was daring to argue with her husband (see I feel a little anger even now) and so I did not talk to my brother or see him for so long
I missed seeing my nephews grow up I have missed so many years oh Michael I am sorry. I am going to see him at the funeral next week and I want to end this terrible mistake I made it will be hard but it must be done, for Mum’s sake and mine and everyone’s and this is a bit of a cliche but this has reminded me that life is short and precious and just too short I cannot hold stupid grudges or whatever.
The kids that hurt me at school and filled me with such bitterness and anger and damaged me so you know what? I have realised that I don’t feel that bitterness about them now. It is like all the anger and pain over that has been released I guess I now pity them more than hate them I must let go of the hatred and bitterness for these people who hurt me it does no one any good.
I have been putting more photos in the blank pages of the photo albums. There are a lot of photos that are in envelopes, developer’s enveolpes you know, we never put them in an album I am now going to do that and I have run out of places for them and I am going to buy a new album tomorrow when we are getting the funeral things.
and Andy has been so good oh thankyou Andy for everything. I have been keeping company for my brothers and Dad today and we have talked about mum and our memories and we laugh about them too you know? it’s good memories as well to hold on to the good ones is good.
You know though it is still very hard I have felt great peace and though this sounds cheesy a great inner strength, I think that the prayers and thoughts of you all must have helped so much with that thankyou so much everyone, and my dear online friend Russell in San Francisco I sent him a letter yesterday telling all of my sadness and he has written back and he has me in his thoughts and is sending all his love he wishes he could be nearer and help me more but Russell oh you have already it’s okay, to know you are thinking of me is enough it really is thankyou. I will be writing back to him really soon and to my friends Jo and Terri Anne in Canada I must write to them oh I must soon.
I’ll write again soon I hope I am not too incoherent!
Like they say, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with this … hang on in there, and remember, there are people out here thinking of you.
Thanks, Steve. I am remembering this and I am so grateful.
Wow that was my 300th post, oh that my 300th post has to be so sad a one but I like it you know I think I managed to get things across quite well in spite of it all tumbling out all at once like that. My 200th post I remember was also here in MPSIMS, it was a very inconsequential one in the true mpsims spirit! (part of that spirit anyway! we have serious and silly light and shade here as this thread does illustrate!) Mum was here then of course, oh dear god in heaven I did not realise that my 300th would be about this.
Here I go rambling! but it is okay. I will say some more things soon I think thanks everyone
ahhhhhh… ouch…
So sorry … to everyone of you…
and particularly you, Infectious Lass …
I lost my mother at 18, and lost my sweetheart just over 5 years ago. (as spooky coincidences go, I was the same age when she passed, as my father was when my mother passed… made my brother Very glad he is an Older brother…)
Grief … it is an amazing journey through all the things your mind had in place as “permanent” and “fixed” futures. Doesn’t even matter if you liked that future or hated it … doesn’t matter if you thought you’d spend the rest of your days having wonderful “how was your day” conversations with your mother, or horrible fights … grief still has to sort its way through all the ‘futures’ your mind thought were fixed, expected and ‘just how things will be.’
One comment, dear heart, there is NO way to have done enough for anyone who dies, no matter how much you’ve done! I was the primary care-giver for my sweetheart, and did everything I could think of … and in the days and weeks after she passed, I found LISTS of things I should have done … there is not getting around it, IG, your mind will give you the list of what you ‘should’ have done, but, what ever you did, it was enough.
One thing I Firmly believe, is that individuals have a great deal of choice over when they actually cross over … Dr. Bernie Segal has written a lot of stories about it. If your mother had felt there was a lack or something she needed completed between you two, she would have stuck around or gotten urgent to get it handled. I know my sweety came out of a state of drifting consciousness, to talk with her most belov’d young niece one last time, before she passed 2 days later.
In the “what happens after” category, I can tell you she then managed to remove all doubt in my mind, about the continuation of our path, our growth and our learning, after the body times-out … she managed to have different people in our aquaintance, not folks I would have expected, feel ‘driven’ to contact me with ‘messages’ from her … only happened 5 times, but every time the content was similar, though none of the people knew eachother, nor of the other ‘telegrams’ as I took to calling them, and every time they were on significant dates, that the ‘messenger’ had no way of knowing (her birthday, her mother’s birthday, the anniversary of our ‘first date’ and so forth)
So, I’ve gone from believing that our essence continues on, in learning, to feeling I “Know” it is true.
Be assured, your mother’s spirit is merely on a different part of her journeys, and that she is learning more about herself, and even what it was in her that caused y’all to be distant during her lifetime.
Rest assured, you did fine, and let your grief progress as it may… cut yourself plenty of slack… and follow Wyatt’s 4 basic rules of grieving:
1)Breathe
2)Bathe
3)Eat
4)Forgive yourself for losing track of time, and look for things that are beautiful.
smiles and my heart to each of your for your losses
Wyatt
Thankyou Wyatt that’s good advice, and your beliefs about what happens after are very close to my own, it is all a comfort at this time.
see I must be getting a little better I am remembering to bold people’s names again now. yeah grief isn’t what you expect before it happens if that makes any sense.
be back later as ever I think.
Lass, you may be in a sort of “fog” for a while. That is one of nature’s ways of helping you through your grief, I think. Feel whatever you feel and talk about it here as much as you want. It brought tears to my eyes to see that you came here for solace. Can you feel our arms reaching back to you?
There will come a day – not so far away – when your mother’s death is not the first thing that you think of when you awake. That is one way you will know the healing has begun.
This continues to happen for me and my father died fourteen years ago. At first it gave me comfort and now it is a little celebration of him when these things happen.
I have one suggestion that was helpful to my mother when she lost Dad. Someone in the family should sit in your mother’s chair at the table and in other living areas. It helps not to see that emptiness.
Bless you and your family.
wow you know a few weeks ago I had this strange fantasy about becoming a nurse? I never even thought about that hey when people suggested that as a career when I was a kid I went oh no I couldn’t stand seeing blood and all of that oh a few weeks ago I read this thread in the bbq pit about nurses and their uniforms etc and I realised just how good nurses are and all of that and the tradition and vocation of it
and I went through this thing of really wanting to be a nurse for a bit but I do not think I could be I don’t have the people skills I could never do what they do. They are amazing people you know they really are.
Hey I even went so far to look up the website of a nursing school here in the uk and it said that you need a certain amount of a levels I only have one could have got more but with all the problems I had then I could only sit one and you need them in maths! oh dear I am really bad at maths so that lets me out, if I really really wanted it I guess I could go and take the maths exams again but I don’t think I could pass them you know I am so bad at maths.
and that was before any of this happened. just occured to me again now thought I would share about that if that’s okay and all
Oh Zoe thankyou so much. ohhhh yes of course it is the first thing I think of when I wake up I hadn’t even realised it oh that is so true.
Thankyou for your words so much.