Lass, I am doubly touched. I looked at the date of your mother’s death. My father also died on July 12.
If thinking about going to school is a comfort to you, then seriously consider it. But you don’t have to make a decision right now. But remember this: If you return to school to prepare for admission to a nursing school, you do it one day at a time. No one day is too big to handle. You are stronger than you think.
Lass,
You’re not imposing your sadness… not in the least. Personally, this seems like one of the best uses imaginable for the interweb. Sharing this stuff seems like the most natural thing. With everyone else here, I support you, and my heart goes out to everything you’re feeling.
The sadness, anger, pain, fear… it’s ok… and it’s not ok… we all know this in our hearts. The best healing is hold each other when this stuff happens. That’s the only solace really. It’s all we can do.
hmph. I wish there were better words.
You continue to be in my thoughts… I just wanted to join the chorus of support and love for you…
russell
Lass,
You’re not imposing your sadness… not in the least. Personally, this seems like one of the best uses imaginable for the interweb. Sharing this stuff seems like the most natural thing. With everyone else here, I support you, and my heart goes out to everything you’re feeling.
The sadness, anger, pain, fear… it’s ok… and it’s not ok… we all know this in our hearts. The best healing is hold each other when this stuff happens. That’s the only solace really. It’s all we can do.
hmph. I wish there were better words.
You continue to be in my thoughts… I just wanted to join the chorus of support and love for you…
russell
Jackie, know that your mother loves you. She does, despite the arguments you had. No one is perfect and your mother knows that. She’s proud of you and she loves you.
Big hugs, sweetie. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks again Zoe, and Gazelle! Thankyou. Hey you all know how grateful I am now right? I keep worrying that you will think I don’t appreciate all you are doing in supporting me now, I get so silly 
Oh Russell, thanks to you too. Very big ones! I hope that you will read the sdmb more and maybe post some more, this is one very special message board. Andy registered here too but he only posted 8 times, he decided the sdmb was not for him which is fine. Hey when things are back to normal you should check out Great Debates sometime, some of the debates about religion I think you would enjoy and find stimulating
And you were so nice you had to say it twice! 
Thanks Russell, you along with Andy and my family and the good people here are such a big consolation and that goes once again to you all in this thread! Let me tell you that Andy is reading this too and yes I gave him a hug from all the Dopers
I feel better today, of course this does not mean it has suddenly become easy. far from it of course.
Mmmm the sdmb hampsters have eaten the rest of my post! darn thank god I copied and pasted the rest! ummm been doing things with the photos today got the new photo album that really helps doing that and it made me feel good.
I will write some more in a bit.
Stay strong.
Guess I am in a bit of an ‘up’ phase at the moment. Your good thoughts and prayers must have a lot to do with it! and I think Mum…she doesn’t want me to suffer. Notice I talk about her in the present tense, that isn’t a mistake! I have certain beliefs about the universe or rather the universes, the physical and the metaphysical that I have touched on earlier in this thread. I don’t believe that anything really dies, and that of course is a great comfort.
On that Saturday night, in fact about the time I was posting my OP, you know I think I felt something a sensation, was that Mum telling me it was alright? I would like to think so, I can’t really put it into words. At the time I couldn’t even comprehend that she was gone I couldn’t process it. but I hope I think that that might be it
Mum was very sceptical, she didn’t believe in any of that, I worry that she had no comfort in her last days because of that but I think well I think what do you call it the loved ones who have passed on the angels? the higher spirtual beings? I think they took care of her and everything even so, and Mum is with her mum and dad and the dogs and all that have gone before her, that is another thing I hang on to.
Umm I saw the death certificate today. Just to see that big black bolded word DEATH (and apologies for shouting it is in capitals so please forgive me I have to be authentic here thanks! ) oh dear I am going that can’t be, mum dead? how can that be? see the disbelief hasn’t gone yet completely, the certificate helps with it I guess just like the funeral does
Andy is going to take me to the crematorium to help me with my worry and fear of the funeral going to show me it so it will be okay. I talked to my uncle Dave on the phone haven’t talked to him in years! shyness and problems and everything getting in the way he was so happy to talk to me
old painfulnesses and arguments are being forgotten, good things are coming out of this you know? I guess I may well be down again at some point ooooo you know I am scared if it goes too quick that will mean I didn’t love mum but you know that isn’t so! you know what I mean? don’t want it to be too easy because I want it to mean something and all of that?
Oh I am so glad to be in all your hopes and prayers and thoughts and all of that.
oh I must talk to Jo and Terri Anne if they have read my lj they will know already must write to them
My mum loved jigsaw puzzles, the last one she bought which is a very nice one and brand new and unopened is still in its bag and it breaks my heart to see it, it has cats and Andy’s friends in Dorset love cats and I would like them to have it, that makes that pain much better, I really really hope Julie likes jigsaws! I really hope that they like it! I know Mum would want it to go to someone who will enjoy it
Okay I will say more if I can and when I can etc I am so happy and grateful for this thread!
I will mala do you know I think I can start to believe that now?
Ummm I am going to have my birthday money on Saturday my birthday it will be Mum’s last present to me she wanted me to have it. oh dear this is going to be hard. I am going to buy some nice things that I will like with it and will make me happy. oh what would really make me happy now I can’t have, I can’t have my mum back that is what you have to come to accept somehow.
do you know for ever I was scared to talk on the phone? but suddenly now that fear has disappeared? now I feel if I sound a bit hesitant on the phone and someone thinks I am stupid or whatever it just doesn’t matter anymore and I can talk on the phone now! I found a letter from my counselor while I was looking for my money envelope for today and mum hadn’t told me about it see she handled everything I mean everything and I had to ring her up myself see there was an appointment scheduled for today and I didn’t know! and I did it
My mum’s bridge partner Renie, who was I think I can say her best friend she doesn’t want to come to the funeral because she feels that she will be in the way that somehow she should not be there because she is not family, I tried to tell her different but she would not have it. There will be family people attending who were nowhere near as close to her as Renie! oh I wish I could convince her to come!
I daresay I may think of more to say at some point!
Oh Russell? there are no better words, yours are perfect, believe me
I couldn’t help but to check back on you today. I am pretty new to the board so I don’t know you or anyone but my husband very well. I did want to let you know I was thinking of you. I can’t do much for you from here but give advice and the only advice that comes to mind is to not make any major decisions about your life for a while. You seem to be doing very well to me but you grief must be overwhelming. Save the important things for when you don’t hurt so bad.
As for Renie, if she refuses to come to the funeral then maybe set aside some personal time with her. I think you both can help each other through this.
Sorry if I am butting in. I don’t mean to. I just feel your pain.
It’s okay Sylpishone, thankyou for your concern. I remember you posted on page 1 and your comment was very comforting as all the others. Thankyou.
I agree, no drastic decisions, you are quite right. My mind is going so fast at the moment it’s all over the place.
fee free to butt in any time you want
yeah I do seem to be doing well, I was just up a little while ago now going down again, but I am making progress, I know things will be normal again but it wll be a differnt normal to before. but mum will always be a part of my life, the things she taught me and showed me, andy says you can’t forget her you have 31 years of memories up here (in my head) that’s so true.
taking it day by day I was numbed now it is hurting again, remembering all your good wishes. hoping for healing.
yeah I am concerned about Renie, she is stubborn!
Hey…another little update if that is okay.
We are getting the flowers today, I am hoping that that will help to keep me busy. I was kind of on a high last night I think it is all hte positive vibes and good thoughts and prayers of all my friends all of you, oh thanks ever so much everyone. but looking at the photos rearranging them so that the precious memories they represent can’t be lost it made me happy even amidst such sorrow I think you know what I mean
hey I think I am getting better it’s getting better bit by bit.
all these little anniversaries no that’s not the right word doing things for the first time since…we lost her, that really stings the first time, then it does get better, it helps me to confront it and anylize my feelings that does help to soothe it. I think that my years of depression over what happened to me when I was a kid it actually helps me here I know all these strategies for dealing with this and about how it is best to confront not to run away from but of course what works is different for everyone, but this is what works for me so if it is too painful to think of oh yeah I can definitely understand that 
Yesterday Robert brought the first loaf of bread we have had since we lost her ooooooooh god. such a small thing but you know. Yesterday Andy took me to Mcdonalds, hey I have a bit of a penchant for fast food sometimes it is the first time since,you know, the car is outside the wheel is still in the position that she left it when she braked the car the last time, she was the last person to drive it, I must re start my driving lessons soon, dad can’t drive anymore because of his eyes, oh I guess it is my car now, need to sort out the insurance one day but I don’t need to worry about that now. never had a car before, small consolation though, wow everyone Jackie got a first car at age 31 nearly heh a landmark…later than most people I would rather not though. oh
still looking at the sofa that she died on you know she had her telly on til the very end mum loved her telly loved her serials and soap operas, right til the very end, I don’t really like those things so I can’t watch them for her, it’s okay I am sure she knows. Kind of oogy about sitting on the sofa but I do make myself, it’s just a sofa after all it has no sinister magical powers .
Robert put the wrong house number on the certificate he said Mum’s age instead which is a similar number, ummm Dad goes robert always been so careless but when can you not make a mistake now if ever? it’s okay, it’s all sorted out now, the certificate thing. So now we have the wrong house number on it! but it is okay, it will be another story albiet a rather sad one .
look when some time has passed and I feel a bit more together I will I think be emailing some of you indevidually to thank you for posting in this thread (actaually all of you if you have your emails listed I don’t you know, hmmm maybe I should just thought of that) you know how much I appreciate it, how the words in this thread have come back to comfort me at varioius times you know I was a little worried that the board might go down and I might lose it like the old winter of missed content! I am saving this thread a lot.
wow my little update turned into a big one didn’t it? hmm little moments of humour like that they help.
I’m very new here (obviously), but I want to say quite sincerely that I’m sorry. I’m just getting to that age where you realize that parents don’t live forever. It must be so very hard. You’re in my thoughts.
Jo and Terri Anne wrote back, I feel really bad for not having written to them for so long. I showed them the link for this too they have read it as well. Need to work out how to save all these letters from aol it isn’t obvious how you do it stupid aol!
You know in mum’s favourite room where she died, there is the digital tv, I always used to get annoyed that I didn’t get to watch the digi tv with the extra channels more often because Mum had her soap operas on hey seems stupid and petty now right? but these are these little disagrements we all have right? you know now I can watch the digi tv as much as I like…but I haven’t just when the boys were here. I don’t want to take advantage of the fact that Mum isn’t here.ohh. I guess that will pass and I will watch it Mum would not want it to go to waste I know.
Hey what zoogirl said earlier about not wanting to finish her food that’s true although mum did not eat much towards the end, her lucozade was still in the fridge, for non uk dopers lucozade is a glucose soft drink that is traditionally used for ill people to recover energy like the kid off school with measles chicken pox oh I had it when I had those things and mum got it for me…another memory just woke up and popped up not so bad good in fact, it was hard to finish the lucozade anyway but I did it, got to face it not run away. The lucozade I don’t think helped her much nothing could at the end, but anyway…
this thread is helping me a lot.
Bless you Laura, I want to tell you, cherish every moment you have with them please, you just don’t realise properly how important that is before…I know you know that already.
do you like my little ponies? I collect them! I got gusty (white, green mane red streak) from a car boot when mum went into hospital the first time. sigh.
Just want to say I want to make my email visible I didn’t have it because of all my problems and being scared of flamed or something and so sensitive
anyway the email I have here now on the profile is not current and to change it to the present one I did that once before I would be unable to post for a short time and I may need to post here in that time.
hey what the heck it is sapphirepebble@aol.com if any of you want to contact me. thanks. but if you don’t want to that’s okay!
Of course it’s OK to update.
I have a kindly-meant suggestion. Consider a walk. Long walks are a way to deal with stress, & it can help you that way. You can also just “empty your head” for a few minutes, & this may give you a much needed respite, if only for a brief period.
I will consider that, Bosda don’t worry and I did go for them on Sunday perhaps that was too soon after, but don’t worry it’s being considered alright! Don’t worry, I am not spending all day and all night on the internet, I am only online a little, because people need to use the phone and I don’t want to use it so much so it’s okay…
today we arranged the flowers, my bouquet which I will share with Gary I have decided will be blue with white roses the blue are irises, does that sound good you think? Blue being both mine and her favourite colour. despite Mum’s love of bargains and dislike of spending too much money! I went for the extra 5 pounds to have roses I said I am sorry Mum but you are having 5£ extra spent on you wether you like it or not!
I read the funeral director’s letter giving all the details, I had no idea how much a funeral costs! :eek:
when choosing the cards for the flowers I lost it and I teared up and had a bit of a cry of course it was okay, I should think they are used to bereaved people blubbing in the florists! I have no idea what to write on my card, got to write it on Gary’s behalf too as he has work until next week (gary is happier throwing himself into work I think, not as touchy feely talk about it as me, he is more like Mum)
I am getting better, beginning to, I have relapses every so often but I know things will be normal well not normal not the normal that there was before but a normal a different one.
I found my old cheap Ratners bangle that she bought me for my birthday years ago, I am going to wear it to the funeral, I think that is good. Though it is a cheap old thing, to me it is more priceless than the crown jewels and the hope diamond and all of that.
Mum would not approve of all this sentimentality! she was a loving person but she could not show it, she did it in action in looking after us, she couldn’t talk about it oh I see that now.
After she died I could not bear to look at her I just couldn’t, but Dad says she looked alright the only person he has ever seen dead in all his life (since 1931) she looked peaceful he said and she had a slight smile on her face, oh thank god she was at peace I think now she wanted to go and end her suffering, and it was so quick and painless. Dad says he kissed her before they took her away, four times, that moved me so much.
still have my moments of great sadness, but I am getting better, I will probably cry my eyes out at the funeral I don’t mind though, if you can’t cry in public at a funeral when can’t you? my sense of humour is beginning to come back, it’s helping me too, everything is
Just bumping this in hopes that IL will get a look at the other thread and know that she’s not alone today. At least in thought.
Ahhhh Lass,
You’re doing beautifully, dear. Beautifully.
One grief counselor told me, her favorite part of her specality was, all her clients got better. Takes time, and being gentle and patient with yourself, but we all heal.
There is a wonderful book by a woman named Betty Bethards, she was one of my teachers. The book is “There Is No Death,” a very simple thing, easy read, but it will fit in and support your own understanding and beliefs around the whole transition your mother is in.
Best of sweet thoughts to you.
I kinda “discovered” the internet and chatting during my grief, when I was so stricken I didn’t leave the house, except for 1-2 days a week, when I couldn’t do my appointments by phone. It is a terrific place to be able to be “close” with people, and still be able to cry, without making anyone uncomfortable.
Best care to you!
Wyatt