The purpose of asking someone on a date isn’t to trick them into going on the date with you, so that you can rape in them in an alley.
(Or, well, at least it probably shouldn’t be. If that is working out for you as a dating strategy, then keep at it, I suppose.)
The purpose is to organize a social meet-up with a person who likes you, or may like you, or has a reason to like you, in the first place.
Which is why the key to the whole debacle is to be the kind of person that people actually have a reason to like. That’s where the “confidence” thing comes in. And even more “having something to feel confident about”.
I think the idea is not to buy them off, but rather to offer up something that actually sounds like a fun date. Sitting down for coffee isn’t bad, but honestly, it basically amounts to “you want to get together and sit around making aimless small talk for a bit?” It can be fine or it can be tedious. Doing something that’s actually fun may make someone say, “well, at least if the small talk turns out to be tedious, we’ll be doing something fun. I can handle that.”
What did Gene get? WHAT DID GENE GET??!! Gene got EXACTLY what he asked for: an evening out with the date he chose. If he expected a blowjob, he should’ve made that clear in the invitation.
And if Gene thought Ann H liked him, he was right: she liked him enough to go to Cirque with him. Isn’t that what the OP is looking for, dates? She also may have accepted all kinds of invitations; bowling, horseback riding, whatever. I don’t think the point is that you have to offer an awesome invitation, but that you do have to offer an invitation.
“Would you like to go out sometime?” is not an invitation; it’s a survey.
In a roundabout sort of way, that is exactly the point I was trying to make.
An evening out is, indeed, what Gene asked for. But let’s not fucking kid ourselves: That is probably not all that Gene was interested in, in the longer term.
When I ask a friend to come with me to see the Cirque De Soleil, then their interest in and appreciation of the Cirque De Soleil matters to me.
If I ask someone to see the Cirque De Soleil as a date, then their appreciation of the show matters only marginally, if at all. I want them to like me. And I want then to go somewhere with me because they want to go with me, not because of the bleeding spectacle.
And if they do enjoy the spectacle, but still not me, I don’t expect a blowjob in return. Being an unattractive dweeb and handing out tickets to the circus may bring more people to the circus. But it won’t necessarily get you closer to acquiring a girlfriend.
Make yourself the freaking attraction, is my point.
I think you’re coming across as too much of an anthropologist here: what woman - or man for that matter - wants to be observed and interacted with on a date? The “observation and interaction” should arise naturally out of what you’re doing together, say going to a gallery and then grabbing a drink after, spending time and hopefully having fun -“observation and interaction” is not the point of the exercise with a plausible cover tacked on, like studying the birds from within a hide.
Alright, already, you’ve broken me down. I can’t keep my secret identity secret any longer. I’ll tell you exactly what it is that I do for a living. I’ll tell you exactly why I’m an expert in the field of male/female sexual relations. I’m not proud of what I do. I don’t brag about it. I do have business cards describing what I do, but I don’t hand them out to just anyone. I am what I am, and that’s just the way it is. Judge not lest ye be judged. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
I’m a male prostitute—a high-end, up-market call man; a gentleman of the evening. I turn tricks for money. I wear bottomless chaps. I accept Visa, American Express, PayPal and bitcoin. I don’t deal in rough trade. I put a thin chocolate mint on your pillow when I leave you slumbering in the early morning hours after exhausting your seemingly inexhaustible sexual passion. I get the job done. Period.
Admittedly, I don’t have any actual clients, but I blame that entirely on societal bigotry. Apparently, the American woman is prejudiced against older, pudgy men with receding hairlines.
But, be that as it may, I’m a man-whore and I know what turns women on.
Women like assertiveness, not aggression. They like attention, not fixation. They like romance, not soppiness. They like Mr. CanDo, not Mr. Milquetoast.
Grow a pair and find your soul mate. You may not get a second chance.
But even if it is just coffee, narrowing it down makes a difference. “I’d like to do X on Y day and was wondering if you would care to join me?” is better than a half assed suggestion, because it shows you’ve put at least a little thought into it. Otherwise it feels like a form letter.
I don’t think the OP is looking for actual advice so much as venting. But the email method comes off as very manipulative to me. If I get that email, either way I am the one on the hook. Cornering someone like that is creepy, but it’s also just plain bad manners.
Talking of dating strategies that won’t work, I’m going to lay long odds against “I have two tickets for the Cirque du Soleil. One of them’s yours, if there’s a blow-job in it for me” having a prayer of working, especially if the mindset is “Well, I guess I can just about put up with Gene for the evening if it means free stuff.”
The Cirque du Soleil quid pro blo is a non-issue. Several dates in, the convention of “gentleman pays” is politely dropped. If not, most guys are guaranteed to move on. And, outside the realm of actual prostitution the vast majority of fellatio is performed by people who really like performing it and/or the subject of the performance.
You send a girl a one sentence message, she ignores it because it is too short.
You send a girl an essay, totally original, designed for just her, an eloquent mixture of flirt and fact, and she deletes the message without even reading it. Bliss.
The first thing I’d suggest is as mentioned above: hygiene and appearance. Do you have a person close to you that can give you honest feedback? I realize you say you have to be up on both due to your job, but that’s not really saying much. I have a coworker that is really nice, etc… And I was stunned to discover they were my age! Their way of dressing/appearance made them look far older than they really were.
Which brings me to this
The smart, funny women you like- are you only interested in dating them or are you legitimately ok with being a friend? Are you friends with any of them? If so, ask them for advice.
If not, why aren’t you friends after having observed them, etc, to determine if they were your type? Was the time spent getting to know them one-sided?
It seems as if you aren’t very open to suggestions. It might even seem that your pushing away of some really good advice is an indication that you aren’t ready to date (it’s easier to self-sabotage and complain rather than change. Trust me, I know this personally).
In the end, you can choose one of three paths from this point forward:
Stay the same by refusing to compromise. That’s totally ok, really. I have a specific type and at this point am not looking to change this. This route means you accept dates aren’t forthcoming and move on in life. By being this selective, you give up the right to be mopey about it. Find happiness in other ways and move on. Its your choice so accept the consequences.
Stay the same, but become embittered or worse. (Helpful hint: don’t pick this).
Accept that dating/being with someone is more important than sticking to your current methods. Accept you should go out on a lot of dates to get confidence, make new friends or who knows what.
I totally agree with ratcheting back the sarcasm. I love a sarcastic, witty man, but I want one that knows how to use it and will not turn it on me until I know it’s a joke. When a man is sarcastic right off the bat, I step back a little. I don’t know if he’s going to be cruel with his sarcasm or funny. Is he going to direct it at me? Am I forever going to have to be worrying about whether he really means it or is just a joke? Does he know how to be sensitive when I need it?
I think this is an awesome post too. What did Gene get indeed. God forbid you just go out with a girl and instant blowjobs are not provided. Gentlemen take note: this attitude is what makes us not want to go out with you! And we want sex too!
I appreciate that going out on a date doesn’t mean automatic blowjobs. However, if a girl I’m sweet on (who also knows I’m sweet on her) agrees to go out on a date to a show like Cirque, I’d hope her feelings toward me would be somewhat warmer than:
My advice to the OP: Think of something you are successful and confident at. A skill like driving or cooking or writing or a musical instrument. Why are you confident? Because you have experience and know you do well.
Then apply that same attitude to dating and relationships.
I like Gene, but I don’t really know him well enough to sit at a coffee date and talk for x minutes. Plus that’s really boring. I like coffee, but coffee shops are loud and full of people I don’t really like. And what will we talk about? Is he going to quiz me on my past relationships? Ask me about my sexual history? But Cirque du Soleil! He likes something I like. Something amazing! And it will give us something to talk about. And it’s in a public place. And if I really like Gene I can lean on him during the performance, laugh at his jokes, etc.
ETA: And yup, every single woman thinks like that because we are all cookie cutter.
Depending on how long he was single and without a relationship, maybe this was a case of the saying, “As men get older, they get more dignified?” Maybe someone who is unattractive at age 25 simply seems older and more refined in appearance at age 35 or 45.
