The OP has asked for the thread to be closed. I’ll close it in 24 hours unless I hear objections.
Gfactor
Pit Moderator
How can he have this much influence over her, then?
The half-life of benzodiazepines is much longer. If that’s what he used, and this is a distinct possibility, they can potentially be detected for several weeks after the fact. It’s not too late to try to obtain clinical evidence that this event occurred.
IMO, you need to explain to the “father” that he is now dead to you, and the reason why, and that if he shows his face to you again you will spit in it and/or punch it.
I really don’t have anything useful to add, but I did want to chime in to agree with this. I cannot imagine my pride meaning more to me than my daughter’s wellbeing. Your sister’s family is fucked up!
I’ll second the advice about going to the authorities, both civilian and military, and at least trying to get justice. The young woman won’t be able to change what happened to her, but maybe she’ll be able to stop it happening to someone else.
Her father is a jerk. Your niece did nothing to “besmirch the family honor”, she’s not “damaged goods” What is her mother saying?
And let her know she has other family members like yourself that don’t agree with the father. The only good thing that came out of the time I was raped(by a total stranger, home invasion), was the backup I got from my family, once they knew about it.
Your sister is right. Your niece is an adult and they cannot force her to press charges. It doesn’t change the fact that her father should eat shit and die, but facts is facts. They have no right to force her to do anything.
Given what you’ve said, I would go to the cops myself. I would be willing to never speak to my family again if it meant doing the right thing on behalf of my niece.
In theory she’s right about the “has to handle it her own way” part, definitely. But what it sounds like is the mother doesn’t want to make a fuss about it either because it’s unpleasant, and, let’s face it, the daughter’s kind of fault because she was at a party with these bad men. “We have to put this behind us and get on with our lives” means the parents want to put it behind them and get on with their lives, and the daughter can go jump off a bridge.
Maybe I’m crazy. But the father says he won’t go to the police and the mother says they want to put it behind them and that’s it. I doubt this is what the daughter wants.
Parents this selfish and uncaring often have their kids convinced that whatever they say is right, so she’s probably on board with them, unfortunately.
The sad part is that the daughter is under their thumbs to the point where she can’t even manage her own welfare as an adult. Of course, that’s what needs to happen.
I don’t quite understand the whole “you can’t talk to your niece” thing, either. The whole thing smacks of some creepy house with a shackle room for the girl.
Again, I think there is a lot more info to this story we are not getting and the OP is not getting. Too many elements don’t make sense. The most typical scenario where parent and child would be acting like this is where the daughter got blotto drunk (and possibly has a history of doing this) hooked up with a bad guy and then got assaulted. It doesn’t make the crime less heinous or less serious, but it would go a long way toward explaining why they don’t think they have a chance legally, don’t want to subject her (or themselves) to investigations, depositions etc., and just want to move past it.
What doesn’t make sense? Do you just not believe somebody would not want his daughter to press charges in a rape case for that kind of selfish reason, or…? Granted, we don’t know all the fact in the OP’s case, and I don’t know if the OP knows them either, but these things do happen. Hell, we just heard about another one in this thread.
Snug, my condolences on this shitty situation that you find yourself in, and the even shittier situation that your niece is in. I don’t know the dynamics of her familial relationships, so all I can really suggest at this point is to try to let her know that you love her, that none of this is her fault, and that you’ll be there for her if she needs your help. Maybe your sister would at least let you say that much to her.
We get a choice? In the past when the OP requested it be closed, y’all just did it.
Anything is possible, but short of a scenario where the parents are first generation immigrants from a culture where the violation of a daughter “besmirching the family name” might be a relevant concept, in the vast majority of American households if your daughter comes to you and says she was drugged & raped you go to war. It is quite possible the woman who was raped might be too tramautized to want to pursue action, but for the parents to be pushing this agenda of not reporting the rape and sweeping it under the carpet is downright bizarre. If a non-immigrant US citizen in 2009 gives me a rationale for not doing something that’s 50 to 100+ years out of step with current US attitudes and defies contemporary mores and common sense, then yes I’m going to cock an eyebrow at the explanation.
So to answer your question sure it’s possible that it all went down like the OP’s sister relayed to him, but I wouldn’t bet the mortgage on it.
I’m a first generation immigrant from England and I’ve still been in that position. It’s all too believable to me, especially if SnugTheJoiner’s niece lives in a small town.
B]SnugTheJoiner**, please talk to your sister again. I’ve got a bit of information which I think may be important. When I was 16 I was molested in a much, much milder fashion by an acquaintance. I told my parents. My father refused to do anything about it because he didn’t want to damage his standing in the community. The lesson I learned from that was I was worth less than his reputation, and it damaged our relationship rather badly. About 15 years after it happened, Mum told me she knows they did the wrong thing, and I think he regrets it, but the choice he made stands.
Dad and I get on well these days, so the damage can be healed, given a decade or two, but your sister and her husband are teaching your niece something. They’re teaching her that she cannot rely on them to protect her or defend her, even when she’s been clearly wronged. They’re giving her a reason to heartily dislike them and mistrust them. They’re putting their reputations ahead of her physical safety. Is that something they really want to do?
Fortunately, your niece is old enough to go the police on her own and she’s got you supporting her. She does indeed need to do what she needs to do to feel safe, and it can be hard to go against one’s parents. I wish her and you the strength and courage to do something about this and put her safety ahead of her parents’ reputations. Ask your sister which she and her husband would rather damage – their reputation or their relationship with your niece.
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That’s not entirely true.
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Yeah. Now I’m giving people a chance to comment, get in a response or two, or talk me out of closing the thread in cases where it’s not an emergency (which is most of them).
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=11173361&postcount=188
I don’t want to hijack this thread but I find it astonishing that you would forgive him, especially if he stands by his decision to this day.
In addition to calling police and presumably get a rape kit done, see if you can find out what unit he’s assigned to and write a nice letter to his commanding officer informing him of the assault. The CID may get involved as well.