My paranoid mind: medical, or something I just have to get over? (tad long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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First of all, skip this thread if long descriptions of someone else’s problems bother you. Anyway, here’s my psyche, in a nutshell, and I would appreciate as little mockery as possible. :slight_smile:

I am paranoid. Not as paranoid as the tin foil hat crowd, nor as bad as you might think, given that I’m writing a thread about this, but for a long time, my life was lived in a constant state of fear. I’m better, thanks to some counseling and meds, but it’s still not all the way there, thus this public consultation.

What do I worry about? Well, I try not to even think insults about other people sometimes, for fear that they might be telepathic, and hurt me somehow later. Similarly, I went through a long period (which lingers in a much less severe form today) in which I couldn’t use the phrase “I wish” or “I hope” in a sentence, even mentally, for fear that Satan or a demon or genie or something would grant my wish/hope, then demand my soul in return. Same with “I bet that…” for a similar reason. Years ago, I once paced around a room for like half an hour trying to counter such statements out loud, since they kept popping into my head and I had to keep suppressing them.

The week or so before a trip is constant fear that something I do is going to cause me to be the victim of a burglary. For example, a slip on IRC that I’m going to be out of town. What if someone there uses the 'Net to look up my home address and arrange a break-in while I’m gone? Left a window open before going to work, same thing. Never mind it’s on the second floor, nearly covered by a tree. I imagined ladders.

I don’t seem to be able to fully trust people, even my closest friends. With a few particular people (all of whom I care deeply about), every statement and action is analyzed post facto, for fear that I’ve done or said something that’ll turn them against me and make them hate me. Then they’ll go away and I’ll be alone and it’ll be all my fault.

Often, I constantly walk on eggshells with jobs too. At one of my jobs, more than once, I climbed onto my desk and examined vents and emergency lighting for surveillence cameras that might’ve been trained on my desk and picked up my nodding off for a moment. (I was reluctant to write that last sentence, for fear that someone from that workplace would read it, see that I’d nodded off in the past, find out who I was, and thus keep me from getting a job ever again at that office due to laziness.) All this is exacerbated by what I see as my compulsion to act and say stuff without thinking it through.

I fear one day mutilating myself or committing suicide in my sleep, because I read that it’s happened before. Sure, I have self-preservation, but there are plenty of things that I want that I’ve doubted I really wanted, for no real reason other than an insidious voice questioning my basic beliefs and desires.

I’m also a hypochondriac. Last year it was detached retina, for no reason other than my eye doctor mentioned it. Last week it was tetanus (due to me cutting myself THREE times in the past week, twice with the same knife, but that’s another story). This week it’s mad cow disease, thanks to the paperback final chapter of Fast Food Nation. Next week, who knows? Probably some combination of the above.

There are many many more, in as many forms, but I think that’s enough detail for now. I can list more, especially of the recent stuff, if any of you are masochists. :slight_smile:

Nothing I think strikes me as unreasonable enoguh not to worry about, at least not at the time. Now, not all of these problems are as bad, or as existent, as they used to be, which is good, but many still stick in my skull to some extent. So what’s wrong with me? Sound familiar to anyone? I thought it might be OCD, but I really don’t have any compulsions; in fact, I’m a huge slob and packrat. And, as my topic asks, is it anything medical, or is it something I just need to “grow up” out of, or start ignoring?

I know y’all aren’t doctors, but I thought I’d toss it out anyway. Thanks! :slight_smile:

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One more thing: a good summary of my state of mind just popped into my head. Basically, everything I do and say, no matter how innocuous it may seem at the time, is possibly subject to leading to consequences that, no matter how unlikely it may seem to most sane people, nevertheless will happen, in my mind. Or at least have a good enough chance of happening (to me) that it causes me to panic. As such, I sometimes do and say things to head off that possibility that may seem kinda silly to most people. Even if I do these things, the panic usually stays for one reason or another… Worse yet, I never know when or if this chain of possibility leading to horror and unemployment and homelessness will form in my mind or not. I can never tell.

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I disagree with your assertion that you suffer no compulsions. There are several examples of what I think is compulsive behavior in your OP. “Compulsive” does not automatically translate as “neat freak”.

I am not a mental health professional and have no advice for you. But have you considered changing your screen name?

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I agree with RTA, in that OCD does not necessarily mean “neat freak” or “germ-phobic”, etc. My sister has a form where she was compelled to count syllables while speaking, and multiples of certain numbers were “better” than others and thus more desirable to form sentences using those multiples. Other forms of OCD involve paranoia-like fears - the classics are ones like “did I leave the iron/stove on? the house will burn down!” and often a compulsion to check, repeatedly.

I received a degree in psychology but am not a psychologist; I am not qualified to make diagnoses and certainly not over the net. However, I would strongly recommend that you see a doctor. Many problems related to one’s moods/feelings have a biological basis or at least are influenced by one’s biochemistry. If it’s nothing that your usual physician would handle, he or she can refer you to a specialist, who might well be a psychiatrist. There’s no shame in that - if it helps you feel better, it’s a positive step for you.

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Why? I have I said too much about myself? I was afraid of that. :wink:

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Hi Leaper-
I recognise a lot of myself in some of the things you said, especially the hypochondria.

I always used to believe that I was just one of those people that worried too much, and that was that. But lately I’ve come to believe that a lot of my symptoms are actually recognised as being mental health problems, and can (hopefully) be treated. I try and stay away from all those medical websites, for the obvious reasons (any disease I read about I will probably start thinking I have the symptoms of etc.), but I recently read up about anxiety disorder and hypocondria, and realised they both described how I felt almost perfectly, and that was an enormous comfort.

I think it’s less scary when you can put a name to these things, or find out that others share similar quirks. For example, I do something very similar to this

and it gave me enormous comfort to read just now that you do this too. Thanks! So, my advice, apart, obviously, from continue to see a counsellor (hope to try that one soon myself), is to talk about these feelings with others- on message boards, and in person. You’re fears may not be as unusual as you think.

Also, whether you can “get over” these things yourself, I dunno. But personally, I have been quite successful at self- treating my panic attacks (do you have these?) Once I realised what this thing was that was happening to me, and that it was a recognised and treatable problem, I became far less scared of them, and now I can normally tell when I’m entering into the build-up period, and a very stern mental talking- to, trying to reason out my fears rationally, normally does the trick.

I wish you all the best of luck- hope you find a way, whatever way, in dealing with this problem- whether it be learning to not be so affected by it, or “getting over” it, etc. The websites I looked at all seemed to suggest that anxiety disorders are usually pretty easilly treatable, and I hope that proves to be the case for you, given a little more time.