My relationship with my father

[SpartanDC]

Before I begin, I just want to say I’m not looking to vent, not for sympathy, but I want people’s opinion on where they think things are headed and what should be done.

I am nearly 22 years old. However, only recently did my parents divorce. Mom left more than a year ago and things became official about 4 months ago.

I have always been closer to my mother than my father, but since the divorce, the divide between my father and I has grown. I am home from college on christmas break right now, and I can’t wait to get out of here. See, my dad lives a mere 90 minutes from where I attend school. Mom is 4 very snowy hours away and doesn’t have enough space for all my stuff. So, living with Dad it is.

Everything is a struggle with my dad, from the least important things to more substantial ones. Basically, he likes all that I hate. All we share is Pink Floyd and NFL football. My dad is racist, homophobic and believes Jews control the economy. He knows I hate racist and homophobic humor yet persists to use it in front of me. I ask him to stop, tell him why I don’t like jokes like that, and he refuses to make any accomodations. I try to show him the error of his ways and all he says is, “I’m not going to change.”

This is the opposite of my mom. She has become far more open-minded on things because she’s listened to me talk about the things I’ve learned in college and, unbelievably, appreciates my occasional rant on politics. I got her to start voting again.

My dad does not listen. Conversations are agonizing. He’ll finish a point, I’ll start my own, and he’ll cut me off without fail. If I don’t answer a question the way he wants it, he won’t let me finish. For example, if he asks something that is, on it’s face, a yes-or-no question and I don’t have a yes or no answer, he won’t accept it. I don’t know, I think most of life’s questions are more complicated than yes-or-no. He continually forgets everything I tell him. I can’t even say how many times I’ve told him about my internship next semester. He doesn’t seem to care sometimes. However, he expects me to listen intently to every minor foible he encounters at work that day and understand him, even though he explains it so that only someone with his job could possibly understand.

And then there’s the drinking. He has a 40 or two every night after work. (I don’t think he has a problem. There’s never a drop of liquor in the house.) Well, this is a large part of why my parents got divorced. It amplifies all his negative qualities and buries the positive ones. He simply forgets everything you tell him when he comes home from work. Sometimes, the alcohol will make him go on insincere, tear-filled rants about how good a son I am, even though he has little understanding of what I do with my life. He just wants me to make lots of money. Won’t he be disappointed to find out that I really don’t care if I make more than $100,000.

And the girlfriend. Not her personally, but the way he’s handled the issue. I found out about her when I came home one morning to have my dad answer the door and say to be quiet because he had company in the bedroom. He said I should have called. I have to call before entering my own house? He knew I’d be home that day. I don’t think he needed to know anymore. This contrasts to my mom, who asked me if it was okay if I started dating.

It gets worse and worse everyday. I have an aunt in the area who has said I can stay with her whenever I like, and I feel more at home, more welcome, there than at my dad’s house.

Thoughts?

[Just_A_Girl]

I completely understand your situation SNenc. My parents divorced about 5 years ago and initially, I had a bad relationship with my father. It’s normal to resent one or both parents at the onset of divorce. However, since you are 22, most likely you are mature enough to recognize the true problems for what they are, as opposed to kids who simply resent their parents, but don’t really have a reason outside the fact they have new emotions they don’t understand. While the divorce may be the reason for the struggling relatinoship between you and your father, who you may have been closer to before, it seems that your father’s behavior is the real problem.

Your particular case sounds like my current living situation with my mom. While the specific issues vary in some places, I have many of the same problems. She doesn’t listen to me, she will never believe that she is wrong, and thanks to my stepfather and friends she’s made post-divorce, she drinks too much as well. Like your father, she’s not an alcoholic, but Saturday nights are no fun when I come home and they are goofy and have bad mood swings. She was dating my stepfather before the divorce was even final, naturally without my consent. She did ask how I felt about them getting married, but by that time, I was a very upset seventh grader thanks to the previous two years’ events, and wouldn’t speak my mind. My dad, of course, is my best friend and asks my opinion on everything. Like you, unfortunately, the living arrangement cannot be changed due to different school districts and other convenience issues.

I know that if I had a way out, I would jump on it. You mentioned that you have that aunt in the area who you are comfortable and welcome with. I know how awful it can be to be stuck in a living situation that makes you miserable, so I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you to move in with your aunt. Tell your father what you said in the post, and how it makes you feel. If he proves, once again, apathetic to your needs, then leave. You’re a grown man, you have every right to make that decision.

Hope that was somewhat helpful, and good luck.