My sad, sad relationship story (Drama included!) and I need advice from you guys

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Disclaimer: May have TMI and be a little long… I really want advice though. I’m in a bad situation I feel and need the best advice possible to make the best decision.

I feel obliged to provide some background on myself since I feel it fits and it will help give an answer. I am a 21 year old college student. I am trying to be as involved as possible in school and political issues. This is something that I took on in the past couple years. I have never really had bad girl issues. However, for some reason, I have always attracted the ultra clingy and super dedicated girlfriends. In my past I can only remmeber one instance when I was head over heals for a girl and she wasn’t for me. I’ve always kind of just “gone through the motions” it’s been slow at times, but never to the point where I haven’t had a prospect (not bragging, just trust me on this one)

Well, in the past year, I wanted a life change. I said screw the past. I dropped fifty pounds and got involved over my head politically and on campus. Not just through taking a passive role, I realized that I wanted to lead I dont want to lead followers, but I want to lead the leaders as well. I was elected a few positions, done a lot. turned a group of eight members into about fifty active members. I’ve gone statewide politically and now im running for student government vice president. Every since I took this extreme leader and aggressive stance I feel like the girls are coming by the flock. I really don’t want to make this sound as bragging but it’s weird to go from nothing or little to having many girls like me. is this normal?

What attracts the girl to the guy who is the leader?

so this is where i need my advice. I went out with this girl… we’ll call her “laura” now laura is a very pretty girl, involved in my group. Her personality lacks at times and she is certainly a follower and not a leader. Her plus side: She has NO BAGGAGE. She is more passive as I am self-admittedly aggressive with a no take shit kind of attittude. It is so great because I don’t have to argue with her. Laura is the kind of chick that would rather let something slide off of her back than argue about it all night.

Enter Mena: Mena is a very very cute assyrian girl. she has the physical aspects that I love. Darker skin, shes short, very cute. Among everything else she is a leader. When I move up in this political field and take this new position she wants to run as president of the group. well, that leadership role at times creates animosity. we occasionally argue. I broke up with laura becuase i started to gain feelings for Mena. . I didn’t think it was fair to go out with laura if I had feelings for mena as well. (I wouldnt want a girl to go out with me if she had feelings for another boy) My mother died from cancer and I made it clear that I would have no girlfriend whom smokes. Mena did, then, found out my stance and quit for me I was flattered. Until last night at the bar when she caused a dramatic scene, stormed out, came back then smoked… in spite of me… later apologizing. this girl also has much baggage: she was engaged on and off for seven years… I dont think detials are necessary. so, that and filing for bankrupcy before the age of 22 scares me.

Now, lets compare.

Mena: much more of a personality.
much more outgoing and sporatic with random gifts
much more baggage
a little more physically attractive
Laura: Much less arguementative
easier to talk to
better sexually (sorry)

both of them: always there for me, would give me the shirt off of their back without question. Both would do anything for me. Mena: much more outgoing while laura likes to take it easy and hang out at home. Both: very clingy (although mena, a little more so)

I watched meet joe black tonight and it put things into perpective in life and how I really shouldn’t judge things on material issues but humans as a person. I really dont know if “lightning struck” with eitherof them. I dont want to settle but I dont want to make the wrong decision. I enjoy being around both of them

What should I do?!?!? Should I stay single? What would you do? I’ve been through more with laura but mena has already given up and changed her life way more for me. I’ve known/been with laura for four or five months and mena just about a week.

I know you guys can help… this was the first place I thought of going!

2

I am not an expert on relationships by any means, but I just wanted to point out two things. One… you are very young and what you want from a woman and life in general is sure to change drastically over the years, so don’t be in a hurry to make firm decisions. Two… if you had found a sure thing with either of these girls, you would not be so conflicted. Take your time and date them both if you like.

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:eek: <— Thats what I did when I read that! How the heck do you go bankrupt at the ripe old age of 22? How the heck do you get engaged at the age of 15!

4

Do you want drama? Manipulation? Alternating tears and anger? Go with Mena.

If you like Laura (and she still wants you back), go with Laura. But only if you MEAN it. If not, just leave them both alone until you have your head on a little straighter on the subject. There’s no law against going without a girlfriend (and, yes, without sex) for awhile, even in the flush of your newfound popularity.

5

You’re making way too much of this, dude. Tell yourself, “The only important thing here is to avoid getting entangled romantically with someone you’re not 100% sure about, and even then play it slowly.” You may go a few decades without being in a deeply committed relationship (and a deeply dramatic one, too) but so what? You’ll also go those decades without being involved in getting yourself OUT of a deep committment you no longer want (and you’ll be spared all the drama). Shop around, and you’ll find that your taste in women, your own needs, your whole life, changes, so no rush to make commitments you’re not going to want in a few years (or months, or weeks.)

6

I agree with this. You don’t have to choose one, you know. You can date them both for awhile, and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe Mena’s baggage will not become an issue - maybe she handles it well. And maybe Laura has more personality you just haven’t gotten to know yet. Some people take longer to get to know than others.

Basically, I think you don’t know either one of these girls well enough yet to make this decision. It seems like while you LIKE them both, you’re lukewarm enough that choosing either would be a bad idea. If one of them was really all that right for you, you’d alread know it.

7

And you’d probably be wrong, but what are you going to do about human nature?

8

The only question I have is, what’s in it for them? You sound like you ask a lot but don’t mention what you’re willing to give in a relationship…which one is going to be happiest with you in the long run?

9

Mena sounds a bit unstable. I would not recommend going with her. She seems like the type who will always be stirring up drama and that will become tiring fast. Plus how can you be sure that she will “always be there for you” after just a week?
But don’t go back to Laura just by default. I think you probably should just stay single for a while until you find someone that you are excited enough about being with that it isn’t a struggle to decide who to choose.

10

The best life decisions you can make right now involve school and understanding yourself. Only you know if any of those life decisions involve a permanent relationship at 21. FWIW, you don’t know enough about yourself and at 21, you have much more ahead of you than you’ll ever know.

Are they attracted to you for you, or because they want to ride your coattails for what being a “leader” brings to them? I suspect the latter.

Everyone has a life story worth listening to and understanding more closely. However, you should be hearing alarms bells going off real loud here.

Date both, if you can. Be honest with both. Don’t be surprised if either or both don’t like it. That should tell you something.

Make committments only to your self right now.

Good luck.

11

well i gotta say that is my concern. I suspect that they like me for the leadership things and not because of who I am. its just hard to tell how id be treated without the power and leadership. I have to agree with you though

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What I’d like to know is, why are these girls changing themselves for you? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who had enough self-confidence to be herself?