Two dozen coconut crabs couldn’t have done a better job…
I was driving one of these with my wife on the back. Note the sharp angle between fuel tank and saddle.
Someone decided that they wanted to place their car in my path, so that was when my nuts had a practical lesson in the conservation of momentum. The bike impacted the side of the car, stopping the bike’s motion and writing off the car in the process. Mrs Gerbil and I were still moving at 45mph, but before we departed the bike, a few thousandths of a second after impact, the combined weight of me, her and all our kit were forced onto the fuel tank, using my crotch as padding. Then just when everything was compressed, the family jewels were dragged along as we used the fuel tank as a launching ramp. I discovered later that this ripped the crotch of my armoured trousers and left an impressive gouge in the fuel tank.
My point of impact was around 15 metres down the road.
In casualty, it was my clavicle that got them interested, and a male doctor got some xrays done. Where I once had bone, I was left with a loose collection of gravel.
I mentioned at this point that things were not feeling that good in the trouser region. Of course, by this point all the male staff have left the building, and it’s the ladies that pay a visit. Yes, they are experts at what they do, and yes, they have seen it all before, but they haven’t seen mine before, and I would have been happy if it had stayed that way.
It was when I took my shorts off that I suddenly felt a new kind of pain. The bleeding from my baws had stopped and had clotted itself onto my shorts. There was a sound like velcro separating…
(A long, cold, silence filled the casualty department - the calm before a storm of pain)
Suddenly I discovered that while you thought that being kicked in the crotch was painfull, ripping fresh scabs off your recently bruised manhood makes every kind of pain I have ever experienced seem almost enjoyable in comparison. I think I know what it would feel like to have the sack waxed.
It was another day or so before the severe swelling set in. It is no exaggeration to say they ended up the size of grapefruit. In the period between the crash and the surgery, the act of having a shower started everything bleeding again. Remember the blood in the shower scene from Psycho? That was the point that all the blood blisters popped.
The size of the swelling was enough to get me hospitalised while they took an ultrasound. While waiting in the ultrasound waiting room, I was the only single man there. Everyone around me were expectant mums and dads to be. I made sure I did not enter into any conversations…
So everything was back to normal size after about four weeks. If i had any pain from the clavicle being pinned, I was distracted by the scrotal injury.
One of the doctors said to me that, had I done any serious damage, I could have sat and watched as my scrotum filled with blood from my burst testes. This is an emergency surgery job, as the blood loss is frightening.
TL/DR. My nuts wrote off a car.
