My SO thinks she's a lesbian, I need to vent.

First off, forgive me if this sounds whiney, as that is not my intent at all.

I have some things going on right now that I would sort of like to share with somebody, and I don’t think the other involved party would appreciate it if I spoke to any of our friends/family members at this point. I’m pretty new to SDMB, but the group of people here seem to be pretty intelligent, insightful people, and since I don’t think I know any of you personally, this seemed like a good place to share :slight_smile:

So, anyway. I have been with my SO for about 2 years now, and we have had a great relationship. We are each other’s best friends, in addition to all the romantic entanglements involved.

Well, about 3-4 months ago, she declared that she was pretty sure she was a lesbian. This, of course, does not make me feel real great. I’ve been holding this all inside since then, and it’s starting to drive me a little insane.

I don’t think she’s changed her mind at all, and needless to say, it has put quite a strain on all aspects of our relationship. Were we not living together and stuck with a lease for another 6 months, I’m pretty sure she’d be out of here right now.

I don’t think I’ve been as supportive as I could be, but then again, I think I’d be less than human if it didn’t bother me. It comes through sometimes. I can be a little snappy, I’m a little bitter, and I mean, it makes me feel betrayed… and all of this makes me feel guilty afterwards. I know that some of this is irrational, but since when has human behaviour been rational? :slight_smile:

In addition to the confusion over her sexual orientation, she’s also been extremely… ‘asexual’. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Basically, she thinks she’s probably a lesbian, but at the same time, has no sexual desires towards anything. She could be being less than honest with me to protect my feelings, but I’m pretty sure she’s telling the truth. I’d probably be able to tell if she wasn’t. Were this not the case, I’d probably have told her that she needs to go out and ‘do her thing’ as it were, even though I think that’s certainly not what I, personally, want her to do.

So this is all quite frustrating and mind-boggling to me at the moment. I really just needed to blurt it all out. I was hoping that perhaps somebody else out there has gone through a similar situation, or has some advice, etc, etc. It’d be nice to feel like I’m not going through this so alone.

-tt1

I’m sorry **TeleTronOne[b/], I would highly suggest going to see a therapist - just to have someone to talk to about how you feel and to make sure you know that “it’s not your fault” and so much more. :slight_smile: Good luck.
{{{TeleTronOne}}}

Thanks, Ms. X, I’ve actually gone through a couple therapists, although not for this. Coincidentally, it was for chronic anxiety (go xanax!)… that’s another story entirely.

Anyway, my general impression of therapists is that:

a) They could care less about my problems (which is, after all, what I’m paying them for)
b) The advice I do get from them is hardly worth the obscene amount of money it costs.

I should probably try some more, but I’m a little aprehensive. I do, however, have a good psychiatrist. But it’s nearly impossible to find a psychiatrist nowadays that does anything other than psychopharmacology.

Dude, sounds to me like this is mostly HER problem.

Of course, it spills over onto you. But it’s pretty crass to get into a long-term (and leasing a place to live together implies long term to me) relationship with someone when you aren’t even sure about your sexual orientation.

There’s a couple possibilities here:

  1. She’s a lesbian
  2. She’s bisexual (my personal opinion is that this is more likely in such situations as you describe, but that’s only my opinion)
  3. She’s non-sexual (it happens, most tragic)
  4. She really IS confused.

In any of the above - it’s NOT a reflection on YOU. It’s her problem, and existed before you came on the scene and will likely continue to exist if you get out of her life for good. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but do continue (as much as possible) to be a gentleman about things, be polite, and when the lease is up, either boot her out or leave for a better place for you.

My opinion, of course - your mileage may vary, and I could be wrong about a lot of things. Use your best judgement.

Are you still in a sexual relationship with her? Does she enjoy it?

If not, that might be the real thing that’s putting the strain on the relationship. Perhaps.

Just a WAG.

Wow, thanks for the link, White Lightning. I never imagined such a group existed.

My marriage ended after 7 years when my ex-wife left me for her girlfriend. Here’s our story.

Been there, done that. I don’t know if I can offer any advice, but, as little comfort as this is, it could be worse.

We’d been together seven years, married for four of those, and have a daughter. The emotional trauma’s bad enough, but the legal mess is not going to help.

I will mention that, in my experience, substance abuse and casual sex, in moderation and with appropriate safeguards, are not only fun but therapeutic.

The main thing to keep in mind is that this is nothing to do with you, it’s her thing, you just got caught up in it.

Another site that might provide some information is http://www.asexuality.org - a forum for people who don’t feel sexual attraction. Perhaps from talking to the asexuals there you can get a better idea of how to deal with your SO’s apparent asexuality?
I hope that you guys can find a resolution that both of you are happy with.

Have some compassion for yourself. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. For a year and a half, she has led you to believe she was straight. She agreed to make a commitment to the relationship by signing a lease with you, giving you the impression that SHE was content. Yeahhhh… it’s ok to feel betrayed and confused.

I don’t know what advice to give you. You sound like you are a caring and loving man. If this be the case, she is lesbian and wants to leave, wish her well… and be grateful for all you have learned and experienced while having her in your life.

Best wishes…

Just one thought: her lack of sex drive may be a symptom of depression. She’s obviously going through some tough times as well, and it is probably affecting her deeply. Keep an eye out for other signs of serious depression.

Good luck, friend.