My social life: it is pathetic

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In real life, I have only one person I hang out and do stuff with. And even then it’s usually one-sided: I propose when we should meet, what we should do, etc. He’s got other friends he hangs out with, so he doesn’t need me as much as I need him. We’ve known each other since our freshman year - we lived on the same floor of the same dorm and had many common interests. But his social circle and alternatives are far wider than mine. I have just one person in it.

(I recently met someone else who lived nearby: I thought we clicked, but evidently he did not. I haven’t heard from him for almost half a month now.)

Other than this friend, I know a few people online. And other than relatives, there my social life ends.

My social life is so pathetic. It doesn’t help that I’m a homebody, shy, and an introvert. I have weird tastes and interests and am nowhere near what others would consider normal - I’m proud of my quirkyness (sp?). Normally, this didn’t bother me. I never had any strong or long-lasting friendships growing up, and having a friend for this long is something new for me.

But I’m getting sick of it. I want more friends. I want to be able to go opt and do stuff more often, and I refuse to go out alone. But I have no idea how to rectify this. I’ve tried the online thing, and it doesn’t work - people aren’t interested in me. I don’t do bars, clubs, and other such stuff. No drinking or partying either. Makes it hard for anyone to want to hang out with me, no?

Tips and advice would be nice. Knowing I’m not the only one in such a situation would be fantabulous.

WRS - Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed alone, if my experience thus far demonstrates anything.

2

I have typically had only a very small circle of friends. This worked quite well for me, as I wasn’t particularly interested in getting to know most people. But then, as my friends found mates and moved on, my circle got smaller and smaller

I’m not sure what changed all of that, but you may be going through the same change that I did. I finally found at some point that I wanted to expand my social circle. I wanted to meet some new people and have new influences and discuss new things.

I wouldn’t say that I’m now Mr. Socialite, but I went out of my way to go places where I’d meet new people. I decided to take a swimming class, since I’d never known how to swim. I went to my local pub (this one might not work for you, but change “pub” to whatever else you might like to hang out at) by myself instead of with my one or two friends. Having known the staff, I was comfortable just chatting with them and listening to the band, but went out of my way to make converstation with others nearby. I took up new activities that got me out of the house. I now hike and in-line skate (very badly) and snowboard.

But now that I’ve made it sound so easy, that wasn’t the trick. What made it easy for me to meet new people was to be interested in other people. Going back to what I said earlier, I didn’t care about people I met, and who they were, and what they did, and what they thought. Arrogance, I suppose, was the root. But I learned that everyone had something interesting to say, even if it was totally at odds with what I believed on a particular topic.

So, my advice to you is, ask why you’re alone. If it is because of aloofness or something of that sort, try to understand why you feel that way. Is it fear of rejection or something of that ilk? Come to realize that if someone who doesn’t know you from Adam decides they don’t like you, there’s really no loss. Is it because you fear that you haven’t developed good social and networking and communication skills? The only way to improve them is to practice, practice, practice.

I’ve also found in making my new friends that it’s not unlike an initial dating relationship. “Should I call him/her and see if he wants to go out? Is it too soon after the last time I called?” etc. I approached it the way I would a dating relationship, in that appearing needy is not going to win you any friends. Be relaxed, take your time. It does take some time for new people to become familiar and accustomed to and comfortable with each other.

You will hear from plenty of people, I imagine, who will tell you to take a class or join a club or volunteer or what-have-you. That’s all fine and well. But that won’t do a thing for you if you don’t figure out why you’re currently low on friends. It might be as simple as the fact that you aren’t often exposed to new people. Or it might be that you need to work on yourself in some way to make sure that you’re offering the qualities that others seek in a friend.

Rest assured, there’s a friend-filled and fun life out there for you, if you decide to go and get it.

3

This is your problem.

In order to meet new people, you will need to engage in activities that interest you. This will most likely involve going someplace alone. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Join a club. Do you want to learn how to do something? Take a class. Sitting at home bored? Go to the local pub. That’s all there is to it, really. Even if you don’t make any new friends, you will have at least done something worthwhile.

4

Could you accompany your friend when he goes and hangs out with his other friends? My husband and I are sort of in your position, in that we moved to a new place and don’t really know anyone. We met one couple and have gotten them to introduce us to some of their friends. This happened the last place we lived and we ended up being very close to a couple that we met through other people.

In college I mostly hung out with the people on my dorm floor. After I graduated, the people I had as my core social group were the people I worked with. Maybe you could take a part-time job at a really fun place to work - restaurants are usually good for this, but you could even get a job somewhere that has something to do with your hobbies. You’d probably meet a lot of like-minded people there.

5

C3’s reply made me think of another thing. Meeting new people isn’t as hard as it seems, in that any new friend will inevitably introduce you to their friends at some point. It’s rather like the 70s-era shampoo commercial (was it for Pert?) where “she told two friends, and so on, and so on…” ad nauseum. The gal I’m dating is someone I met by going to my pub by myself; not to meet anyone on this particular occasion but only because I liked the singer that was there that night. While there, I ran into a gal with whom I had passing familiarity, who was also there alone for the singer. We hung out a while, before moving on to another pub, where a friend of hers was. We had a drink with him, before the three of us moved on to another pub, where I was introduced to my future gf by the gal I was first hanging out with. And now I hang out with some of her friends! Exponential social-circle-growth is your friend.

6

You’re slightly better off than I am.

In normal, every day life, I have no friends other than, I suppose, Gr8Kat and Master Control, my boss and her husband. I don’t really interact much with them outside of work though because all three of us are mostly homebodies who prefer to do our own thing in the comfort of our respective homes.

In the rare cases where I actually feel like doing anything, I almost always wind up a) going to the same chinese restaurant b) window shopping at the mall c) reading and browsing at Border’s Bookstore or d) catching a movie, alone.

Otherwise, my social life is the internet in general and the SDMB and its sister sites (LJ and #straightdope mostly) in particular. It keeps me sane and not as bored as I could otherwise be but it’s really frustrating to consider someone a really good friend (I can think of about two dozen Dopers I would consider more than just acquaintances and about half a dozen I would consider really good friends) when, in the end, they are nothing more than text on a screen or, in three or four cases, a voice on the other end of a phoneline.

It’s been this way all my life, too. I’ve rarely had a friend outside of work, school, et al and in the instances where I did, they never lasted long… usually due to the other person moving. For about ten years of my life, I had a new best friend every year because the one prior moved away during the summer.

During high school, it stabilized a bit and I had about three different best friends in my four years. The first one moved away my freshman year but the other two were there the entire four years although I can count on my hands the number of times either of us socialized outside of school.

Then, after I graduated, I started working and met a new friend there. For the two years we worked together, we were pretty much inseperable then, when I got fired, we saw each other maybe a dozen times before I moved out of state this past December.

You’re definitely not alone.

7

Ever see tjhose bumper stickers that say,“Hang up and Drive!”?

Sauron, shut off the computer. Go to a place in your area where people meet (bar? dance hall? AA meeting, whatever.), walk up to someone yopu think you’d like to meet and say, “Hi, my name is __(whatever your real name is) __!, What’s yours?”

Be prepared for rejection on occasion (it’ll probably be less than you think).
Be prepared for acceptance! You may need to carry on a conversation, dance or buy someone a drink.
Be prepared to have FUN!
Be prepared to get laid (have a rubber…).

Open up the real (physical) world. It has joys and terrors, but the joys far outweigh the terrors after a while.

Best of luck :wink: . Be :cool: .

Report back.

8

That’s the thing. You have to go outside. Speaking as someone who sometimes just doesn’t want to emerge from her cocoon, that’s the hardest part. I am lucky to have friends who are also my roommates who all but force me to go outside, but not everyone is so fortunate.

I am a shy, introverted homebody too, and my life is mostly in my own head. I can put on quite a show of being gregarious, but only when people know me well or I really click with them. Most of the time, I wouldn’t bother, though. The first step is putting your foot out the door. It isn’t necessary to go to bars or clubs (what a drag, anyway!). Just getting out there is good. I’m not exactly a mine of information in this regard, I realize. I am very fortunate in that there are people around me who make me come out of the cave, even if it is kind of bright out there.

9

Yes. This is hard. My situation is similar to Harimad-sol, but without the roommates. I have three or four acquaintances but noone whom I would consider a friend. I don’t drink either, can’t abide loud music, so that kept me out of bars and clubs. Until just a few years ago I was completely solitary and happy that way. I spent (still do, mostly) my free time in libraries and bookstores, going to movies, and discreetly admiring women at the local malls.

Loneliness only started setting in when I began to see my first sign of aging: losing my hair.

To be honest, I think it’s too late for me. At 37, I’ve learned to do without emotional support and my mind has been shaped so much by social isolation I don’t believe I can have a successful friendship with anyone. But I bet it’s not too late for you!

10

Could always see if any Dopers in your area would be interested in meeting up and just hanging out for a meal,down the pub,whatever.There are millions of us on here so the chances of there being one near you aren’t that remote…
And you can get to know them before you meet in person…

11

I’ve been pretty lucky in that even though I can on occasion be socially backward I’ve had good luck making and keeping friends. I did notice though that once I moved and got married this seemed to be a lot harder.

What changed it was starting a new hobby. I got into geocaching and met a ton of enthusiasts who are always willing and excited to go out caching with someone new. Some of them became great new friends!

Not saying you have to do MY hobby (although if you like electronics and need an excuse to get out of the house it can’t be beat) but perhaps finding something new to try and getting involved in that local community would be a good way to meet people.

Good luck!

12

It’s not too late for you, either! I was 41 when I married my partner. I think I was about 37 when we first met.

You know that what you have been doing isn’t working, so you need to get ready for some change. Get a new hobby (I met my wife scuba-diving), or sign up for an adult education course. Take yoga, your aging body could use it! Just get out of the house and go someplace, anyplace where people are prone to interact. In six months, you will find your life has changed; at the very least you will acquire some friends.

Don’t give up. Never give up. Luck is on your side!

13

My first year at Peabody/Vanderbilt, I was still so shy that I wouldn’t even eat my meals in the cafeteria, but alone at a nearby restaurant. (That was actually my third year at college and I was enjoying some anonymity.)

The friendships in my life have come in groups of people when I joined organizations – a really cool church, a counselling center, political campaigns and activists groups, a wildlife park, a gathering of BBS users.

Find something that suits your interests. Sherlock Holmes? Chess? (I’m seriously thinking about Flamenco dancing at Vandy next Spring.)

Nonsense! I agree with SnakesSpirit and my story is similar to his. I married my second husband when I was 42. He, especially, had become a very isolated person. My mother is 91 and in love with a younger man of 86. (I tease her about robbing the cradle.) Life has many surprises for you and things can turn on a dime!

You may become many people during your lifetime, and you are always the same age inside.