My son is dropping out of high school - again - and I don't know what to do

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is probably coming across as pretty whiny, but I have to vent somewhere and I can’t do that any place where I’m easily identifiable. Sorry, folks.

Anyway, our son just told us he’s quitting high school. This is the second time; the first time was from trade school (which is secondary ed over here, not post-secondary), but he got a fresh start in pre-college high school. He didn’t manage that either. He’s got some serious issues with self-confidence, and I’m pretty certain that he’s suffering from severe depression and maybe PTSD as well from being bullied through most of primary and all of middle school. I’m mad as hell at his school principals, both in primary school and middle school, for refusing to accept that students at “their” schools made my son’s life hell on earth. Right now, if they were on fire and I’d just drunk a six-pack, I wouldn’t piss on them even if I were paid good money to do it. I sincerely think that they deserve to burn in hell for the rest of eternity for their arrogance. Even if it’s un-PC, I wish the same for the bullies who actively made my son’s life living hell, every fucking day of the week for more than six years. I’m sorry and ashamed that we didn’t understand what was going on until it was too late. Even if parents usually are the last to learn what’s going on with their kids. I’m sorry and ashamed that we trusted the system, trusted that the school administrations knew what they were doing and tried to do the right thing. I’m sorry and ashamed that we didn’t document, document, document every single incident from the very day we started to suspect that something was going on.

I thoroughly despise my son’s primary school principal for refusing to understand how infinitely cruel children can be. I’m equally contemptuous at those kids’ parents who, after being confronted with what their kids were doing, refused to believe, refused to even accept that their fucking snowflakes could do anything wrong. Whenever my kids have done wrong, I’ve demanded an explanation and, if there was any chance that the other party was right, my kids were required to apologize and make amends. Did those parents react like that? The hell they didn’t. Fuck them all sideways in the ass with a saguaro cactus. I can’t say how much I despise my son’s middle school principal who, when my son had - for once - hit back, not for his own sake, but at those who bullied a person even more vulnerable than himself, called my son an “abuser”. May you rot in hell, and may the rest of eternity be continuous torment for you. Sincerely, yours.

The kid isn’t dumb. On the contrary. On several occasions, he’s produced better results with less work than I ever was able to when I was in school, and I got all the way to a PhD in natural science. But he still sincerely believes that he isn’t able to perform, that he can’t even pass freshman high school curriculum. He feels a pressure to perform while he’s convinced he can’t, that makes him physically sick. Last week, after we’d been to several sessions of family counseling, he told us that he’s quitting high school. He’s 20. We don’t know what to do, we only know that he can’t stay with us for the rest of his life.

He’s receiving psychological counseling now, and I won’t give him up. I can’t give him up. I just don’t know how long I’m able to support him; I just don’t know how long he’ll need to get over it enough to believe in himself, to be able to take those small setbacks we all experience without breaking again, but getting up from the ground, dusting himself off and trying again.

2

I’ve dealt with my own underperforming kid(s) (now 26 and 30) but regardless of social pressure it was their decision in the end not to perform even minimally. You seem to present this as if he is being physically threatened in some way, but in most high schools this would not be tolerated. If it’s basically social shunning because he’s different then that’s pretty much a suck it up and deal scenario. If he’s bailed on two different schools and scenarios fuming about past bullying is a waste of time. The problem at this point in time is him and his attitudes.

I did a lot of yelling at both of them and paying for repeating classes and supporting adults to the tune of well over 6 figures over the past 10 years. Eventually got one through college at 30 years old and now she is stalling on applying to places. Their mother let them stay comfortable and fed in her house regardless of their performance. It’s non-ending. The other is in a food service asst-management job that he does fairly well at. Both live with her.

If I had it to do over again I’m not convinced (today) that my endless forgiveness and support was the best idea. Both wallowed and delayed because they could. I was terrified that tough love would result in … I don’t know… homelessness and bad choices etc. If I had it to do over again I’d like to use an alternative universe wayback machine and see what would have happened if they were tossed out of the house the first time they fucked up in community college and had to fend for themselves early.

To your scenario the issue IMO is less the high school dropout aspect and more to identify what he should be doing to maximize his opportunities. One thing the hard lesson with my kids beat out of me is the notion that everyone should be going to school on a certain schedule. This is a dangerous fiction. I’d get them into the workforce ASAP then help them get their GEDs at some point. Unless they are rock stars life at hard manual labor and minimum wages gets old fast. My kids would never believe what I told them it literally had to be beat into them by life. One week working at Walmart’s night shift was more instructive for my son as to what waited for him than a hundred lectures by me.

So anyway stop worrying. Help him get a job and get some work life experience under his belt as soon as possible. Accept the fact that her may have to get a GED and he may never go to college and that is alright as a decision. A few years scraping out an existence tends to make people much more positively oriented to education. The reality is that if your kid is fucking up this much now he’s probably never going to be a superstar. The best you can hope for is for him to be self supporting. If you can help him get to that level you’ve done a great job.

3

I agree helping him get a job is a good idea. There is nothing like the real world to help you understand why an education might be helpful. A job might also help his self esteem. Counseling is also a good idea.

Don’t support him sitting around and doing nothing. That won’t help anyone.

4

Have you ever heard of Job Corps? This may be a program that would be beneficial for him. Because he’s 20, he may qualify as “low income” even if your household otherwise isn’t.

http://jobcorps.gov/home.aspx

5

Obviously I don’t know anything about you or your son 2square4u, but I sympathise. It seems a bit like a no-win situation at the moment. I guess being 20 and dropping out of school again can’t feel very good. It’s a pretty closed environment and from what you say, not one that fills him with ideas of how positive a future he has. And it must be really difficult to put a bullying past behind you when you’re essentially in the same place.

Maybe going to school of any kind isn’t a useful ‘fit’ for him right now.

I’m wondering if some kind of wilderness survival course might be the thing to click him over in terms of self-confidence; which seems to be the thing that obstructs any further pursuits he might have. From the looks of it there are any number of courses available, and the crux of them really, is learning the importance of heightened awareness and how it relates to critical thinking and problem solving.

Often, being in an unfamiliar environment with people who have no preconceived ideas of who we are, brings out parts of us we didn’t think we had. Somewhere like that may be the place for him to realise his intelligence and resourcefulness. And it might prove a useful thing to all have a bit of a break from each other. Frustration is frustration, no matter how you stifle it.

6

Frankly, at 20, I don’t blame him. He must feel so out-of-place there. Can he pass his GED? My niece dropped out of school and got her GED. It took several years, but she’s in college now, paying for it herself.

StG

7

The OP isn’t in America, which unfortunately makes it difficult for me to offer concrete advice (I work exclusively with kids in your son’s position).

Broadly, though, your son needs to figure out what he wants to do with himself post-school. Figure that out first, and then you can work on finding the best/most efficient path to get there.

8

And help him figure out a place where he’ll feel like he will belong. Life is not primary school, or high school. And there is a niche for everyone - if you can find it.

As my daughter has been told from everyone from her principal to her therapist to her mother “for some people, high school sucks…you’ll probably enjoy college better” (or in his case, whatever post high school life he chooses.)

9

If it’s a confidence issue, perhaps the son should consider enlisting in the military?

10

I hope it all works out for your son. I’m dealing with an issue right now, my daughter is in 9th grade. In January she started cyber school be cause she’s had 2 concussions, mono and it’s caused her to miss so much time. Now she’s under a lot of pressure to meet deadlines. She does really quality work but since she’s trying to catch up on missed material, keep up with new material and get so many assignments done the pressure is insane. I’m really worried even though she’s doing well with the amount she’s doing she’s going to get discouraged or deal with anxiety again because of all the pressure. I really hope everything goes well for your son.

11

For someone who has possible PTSD symptoms? I would really tread with caution about whether that is likely to be the best fit.

Some kind of work would be good to build his sense of competence. Does he have any experience working? Even volunteering somewhere could help get him started.

Hopefully he can work with his psychologist to decide where to from here.

You obviously really care about your son - it’s understandable you feel frustrated worried right now. He’s still young, and there is time for things to get better for him.

12

Or to put it more bluntly: I think that would be a pretty crappy idea given the situation.

That’s basically the line we’re taking now: give him some time to recover from the worst pressure and his (perceived) failures, and then trying to find something he can do without getting too pressured and building on that.

I don’t know if “frustration” is the right word, but I’m definitely at a loss as to what is the correct action right now. I don’t expect any kind of solution, I just needed to vent somewhere.