My son tried to kill himself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

I’m new here and all… but I think this needs to be said…

Just because you didn’t see the signs doesn’t mean they weren’t there.

I know everyone is giving you hugs and pitty here… but something has to be done.
Yes, you sit and make sure he does his homework. Very nice indeed. But honestly… WHAT is the importance of making sure his homework is finished if he is thinking of KILLING HIMSELF?

your son is depressed and having serious troubles… drop the act of keeping up appearances (making sure his homework is complete) and spend some serious time getting to know this child, getting to know his fears, thoughts, likes and dislikes.

perhaps he has no interest in school in the first place. help him find something in life to be excited about… help his discover new passions. school is not the end all to be all. i’m sure you would rather have a highschool drop out as a son than no son at all.

he needs his spirit/self nourished now, not his report card.

best wishes.

62

Try to get your step-son into an Adolescent Treament Center. You will find professionals there who can watch your child 24 hours a day, and who have the resources and TRAINING to handle the rages and suicide attempts. They will also have programs to help your teen undestand his problems, and come up with better ways to handle them.

(by the way, I am biased towards these centers because I work in one, and have seen the good that they can do)

Although, from the last line of your post (re: the insurance companies) it sounds like you are already dealing with the bureaucracy of the commital process. Trying to get these insurance companies to take mental health issues seriously can be a najor problem.

63

I’d just like to add something that occurred to me that may sound commonsensical in a way, but may be relevant. I’m not a psychologist, at least not yet, but this is based on my understanding of some basic theories.

I recently read some aggression studies in Uni and there is an old but popular theory that aggression is most often linked to the psychological definition of ‘frustration’. That is to say, the inability to attain some kind of goal or state of being. The perception that someone is responsible for said inability can lead to violence against that person.

It’s quite extreme to react like that to something as seemingly trivial as a temporary cut in internet time, but it’s possible there’s something or someone on there that means a great deal to him and in his fragile state of mind the world collapsed from under him when he was kept away from that particular stimulus. It’s also possible that this is part of some kind of general pattern that he has read into his life, that you are in the way of something.

It could be totally irrational and you might not even present any sort of hindrance in reality, but it’s easy for unbalanced individuals to interpret their situations in a way which contradicts the perception of those around them. When you talk to him, I’d try to ask him if there’s anything that he feels you or others are holding him back from.

Anyway, I sincerely hope things get better for all of you from here on…

— D.

64

Oh, and I’m only a second year student btw, so please don’t take this as any kind of final word on the subject…

65

welby, I wish you the strength, resources, and guidance to see you and your family through this. Take care.

66

First of all, thanks again everyone. I’m not going to respond to many individual posts, so please know that I appreciate all of the kind words, suggestions, and support. This is more of a way for me to talk all of this out and hear some good feedback without totally breaking down or losing my temper.

We met with the doctor in the “Dangerous Adolescent Ward” yesterday. And what the fuck kind of name is that for a hospital ward? They call it that in front of the kids. How can that be helpful? That’s probably it’s own rant, though.

In any event, apparently the construct of killing me is very real to my son, even when he’s not overdosing on barbituates. I noticed a few months ago that my son started calling me Dad, though not to my face. For example, if he was speaking to his friend, or to someone we mutually know, I was his Dad, but when speaking to me I was Welby. I was pretty happy about it. I call him my son, not step-son or “my wife’s son” or anything like that, so it was nice to hear that. I kind of figured that maybe our relationship was getting better. I’m a pretty clueless idiot apparently.

The doctor feels that he equated “Dad” with everything negative about a parent. He called me “Dad” when he was angry or upset about something, according to him. So when I was allowing him to do whatever he wanted, I was “Welby” but if I asked him to do a chore, finish a homework, or anything that he didn’t like I was “Dad.” Whenever we went to a re-enactment event or out to do something, I was always “Welby”, so that probably should have clued me in, but didn’t.

The problem appears to be very serious. That’s a pretty major schism in his psyche, large enough that the idea of killing in a premeditated way was a viable solution to him. My wife and I are discussing whether we want him released to us, or to a lockdown facility for a few weeks. If you can’t guess my preference you haven’t been paying attention.

Tossing his room turned up nothing useful. I hacked his password and check all of his logs, e-mail, encypted files, hidden files, floppy disks, CD’s, and everything else. There’s nothing there. His AIM buddy list has two people on it, one a friend in Florida and the other, apparently, some college girl who beleives he has a job and a Ferrari. Yahoo messenger buddy list has no buddies. All of the e-mail is generic stuff from the providers of online games and spammers. No journals, notes, nothing. I’m still running a decrypter on a few of his files, but so far there’s nothing to indicate where this came from.

In the meantime, Welby still has trouble coping. After all, a home is a place you go when you’re tired, lonely, scared, or confused, where you know there are people you love and who love you. Apparently my home wasn’t that for my son. I guess he’s paid me back in kind, because it certainly won’t be for me. I can’t see my way clear to the end of this. I really can’t.

67

Welby, it’s really hard to be strong now. Until the time comes when things let up (and it will), take all the help you can.

Please don’t blame yourself for your son’s illness. That isn’t fair to you, and doesn’t help him much. You’ll feel better in the future, I promise you, so keep pushing on.

68

He sounds like a lonely boy.

Perhaps he is doing all of this for attention. You may never know.

He may never come to appreiciate you… or love you as you do him.

IF that is the case, be compassionate towards yourself.
Don’t let his opinion of you, alter your opinion of yourself.

69

With respect to the insurance issues, make it clear that it’s a crisis situation, and that you need help NOW. Not next week, not next year, NOW. Most of the larger carriers have their own mental-health departments; ask to speak to someone who deals with mental-health coverage.

Alternatively, you might try talking with your company’s Employee Assistance Program, if you have one. Their focus is on immediate problems, and they don’t share information with your employer unless the issues specifically impact your job. They can probably get you in to see someone fairly quickly. Ask your HR department for information on that (and don’t volunteer information to them unless they already know what’s going on).

Good luck.

Robin

70

This is probably a really obvious question, but did you check his school locker (assuming he has one)? With 2 brothers and little privacy that was often my only “personal” space.

Also a good place to hide data CDs is in music CD cases, and waaay back in air ducts.

Take care of yourself Welby.

71

Agreed with what MsRobyn suggested - an Employee Assistance Program often has resources geared towards handling problems in people’s lives, or at least knowing where to find the people who can handle them. The insurance company will usually give a lot of leeway if one of their subscribers gets rushed to an ER; they have to be made to realize that this is just as urgent of an emergency.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, welby - hindsight is 20/20 and it’s hard to know if you’re being a good parent. I don’t know anything about the latter, but I do know firsthand about being depressed and what sort of screwed-up mental functioning it can lead to. Often, a depressed person doesn’t want anyone to know they’re hurting, or only want to do it subtly - you thought being called “Dad” was a wonderful thing, but due to what he’d gone through, that was a hurtful, hateful word.

My E-mail’s listed, if you need someone to vent to off-board or something.

72

Welby, I’ve been reading this thread, but not chiming in–I’m sure there are lots of us out there wishing you well and not adding to the thread.

You said you couldn’t find anything on his computer or chat programs–have you tried googling his username(s)? It may be that he participates on a board somewhere. If you googled mine (not Bren_Cameron, but another one I use) my ezboard profile comes up pretty high on the list, with links to recent posts, and not far after that comes my NaNoWriMo profile page. It’s just a thought–you might find a whole community of people he’s been hanging out with.

This really sounds like a physical problem to me, and I hope your son can get some help. I know you already agree with this, but if I were you, I wouldn’t let him come home until you’re sure he’s not a danger to the rest of the family. Good luck.

73

My thoughts are with your family in this most difficult time.

My advice is only to be sure to tell your wife and daughter that you love them.
I grew up one of four children. My brother, the youngest, is so severely dyslexic - and with other learning problems, too - that to this day, in his 20s, he can’t name you the days of the week or the months of the year in order. He’s also very smart, and the frustration of trying to deal with his limitations ended up expressing it in extreme violence.
From that point forward, Jon basically ruled the house. So don’t forget your daugher in all of this.

74

Sweetie, I’m so sorry…what a truly horrible thing to have to go through!

I know it can’t make everything right, but I’m sending happy thoughts your way…

hugs

75

Welby, I don’t know you at all, so I don’t know if my sympathies are worth very much. In any case, you have them.

You do appear to have a lot of anger right now.

Understandably. Let the web venting help you get a handle on it.

But a question came to mind. What will it take for your home to be a safe place for you again? What needs to change? Do you need to have a third party (friend, relative or professional) to move in for awhile? Do you need your son to stay away indefinitely until you get a handle on all of this? Do you need forgiveness from your wife and daughter? Do you all just need to go stay at a hotel for a week? One thing that comes to mind is that your home is now physically associated with an act of violence against your person and against your loved ones. It’s very common when having been the victim of an assault that the place itself brings on unconscionable heebie jeebies–certainly in the early days of the trauma. The heebie jeebies pass but it takes time.
Don’t get out on a limb. Get your safe place back.

76

Again, I want to wish you strength in getting through this.

I also want to assure you that people who seem to have gone off the deep end mentally can and do recover. It’s not something I talk about much publically, but last year my mother was in a psychiatric hospital for six months - she had bizarre paranoid fantasies, tried to hurt me, grafitti-ed and destroyed our garden and house to fake an attack on me by the people who were out to get her, told fantastic but believable lies about me and my father and tried to kill herself several times. I thought we’d lost her for good - that she’d simply gone crazy and would never be sane again.

But she did, slowly and with help, return to sanity. Now, she’s home and pretty much returned to normal. She has her moments, but ongoing therapy and care means that generally, you’d never guess that this time last year she was living in a paranoid suicidal world of her own. She can barely remember it now.

Your step-son is in a very bizarre place right now and that must be incredibly difficult for you to deal with as the focus of his mental health problems. But remember, that’s what it is - he has made you the focus of his own problems. You are not responsible for what goes on in his head. There are many, many things you have to work through as a family in order to move on from this but I assure you, there will come a time when it will be better. Best wishes.

77

Welby
First of all, you are not a clueless idiot, or else you wouldn’t have suspected something when you saw your son’s stumbling, etc.

Secondly, this isn’t your fault, and its not your son’s fault. Fault and intelligence and blame don’t enter into psychological maladies. Obviously, your son does blame you for “screwing his life up” or some such construct, but that is not a rational thought, and not something you should focus on. It’s hard to remember this, but what’s going on in his head is not all his own thoughts.

Yeah, that sounds like new agey-claptrap, but here’s a different way to think of it. I can’t diagnose your son from this keyboard, and I’m not qualified to try. I can speak with some confidence about clinical depression. There are differences in the brain chemistry for sufferers of clinical depression. Not everyone with these differences becomes suicidal, or even depressed. But when a combination of events affects some-one like this poorly, they don’t have the ability to process them. Another way of expressing this is that if there is a chemical imbalance that predisposes a person to clinical depression, then it takes some environmental factor to create a crisis.

I know something about this for a number of reasons, some quite recent. My wife and I both have medical training (she is a doctor, in fact). We are also both the children of abusive alchoholics and have both sufferred from clinical depression. We have both either contemplated or attempted suicide. We are both doing well now once the problem was addressed and treated medically. SSRI (Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors) drugs (such as Paxil or Prozac) were key, as was talk therapy.

Recently, my wife’s cousin, who is staying with us, also attempted suicide. He is much younger than us, and came from Switzerland to study ar a college near us. With the rest of the family unavailable, we have become short-term surrogate parents. We had to persuade him to commit himself to an inpatient treatment facility, and he was released yesterday. If he hadn’t agreed, we were going to commit him involuntarily as a danger to himself and others. He was placed on appropriate medication, and is starting the healing process.

Ok, that was way too much confessional and how does it directly relate to or help you?
Well, you have my deepest empathy and sympathy.
There is no blame to assigned (except maybe to the bio-dad)
You are doing right by him, both with the institutionalization (painful but sometimes necessary) and by “tossing” his room.
It can get better, and it sounds like there is a good chance that it will get better.

Good luck, and best wishes.

78

Gracious Welby… I’m so sorry for you and your family. That is ghastly with a capital G. I don’t think I can say anything without repeating what’s already been said, but I do think your step son has some serious issues that do not necessarily involve you or your parenting skills. I think he will continue to be dangerous unless he gets some MAJOR professional help. Good luck to you. You will be in my prayers!!

~Shana

79

Welby, do you have an update on the situation?

You have my prayers and best wishes, bud. I can vaguely relate, because my wife is self-destructive, but not to the point that she’s trying to actively whack herself. It messed with my head for a long time, until I realized that I wasn’t responsible for her behavior and I shouldn’t try to change her myself. That’s what therapy is for.

80

We had a couple of meetings yesterday. The first was with my wife, my son, a social worker, and myself. The SW was quzzing my son in a roundabout way about what happened, what he was feeling, etc.

Basically, he sat there and waited for the social worker to give him reasons for his episode, to shich he would say “Yep. That’s it. That’s why it happened.” He would do this for general statements such as “Were you angry?” or “Were you depressed?” but when asked for details simply said “I don’t know.” At one point I said to him “Look, we’re trying to help you, but we can’t do that unless you start talking about this.” His response was “Well SW and welbywife have already said it all. I don’t have anything to say.” When we discussed the fact that he would have to attend therapy and participate in it, he said that he didn’t like the idea and would not go.

When we spoke to the doctor, he said that there was no reason to keep my son there (HUH?) and that he should be released tomorrow (which is today, Friday). I basically browbeat him into ordering a battery of psychological tests for my son. I would, after all, like to know that the problem isn’t a deep seated psychological schism before we let him out.

The insurance stops paying on Sunday, whatever the result. We’re seeking other options, such as a residential treatment program for involuntary patients, but don’t know if there will be money to swing it.

To add to the wonder and beauty that is this shitty day, my wife broke down completely, with stress-related pain. She has back problems stemming from surgury about 10 years ago, and when she gets stressed her back falls apart. I spent the remainder of my day yesterday at the ER, where they doped her up and prescribed bed rest and drugs. She’s at home now, with none of the medicine doing much for her, and we’re waiting to take her to a specialist this afternoon.

When it rains it fucking pours, and I’m getting flooded out.