My stalker...

Okay, I don’t really have a stalker.

But tonight on America’s Most Wanted, I learned that in order to AVOID getting a stalker, I should vary my schedule and become unpredictable.

Like maybe I should stop at Starbuck’s instead of Dunkies in the morning and order a raspberry scone instead of just black coffee.

This could save your life you know. I hope you are all listening.


I take a walk everyday, down the same road during the same time of day. When my dad found out he flipped out.

I’m not too concerned, should I be?

Yes. Apparently, you should spend part of the time hiding in the bushes so that no one knows where you are at the same time every day. Also, try taking your walk at different times of the day, like 2 in the morning instead of after work.

Of course, there’s always medication for the paranoid. I wonder if that works?

How do you know I take my walk after work? Are you stalking me?! :eek:

Yes, I am watching you. And I know you change into you walking shoes immediately before your walk too!


Yes, but where do you I put on my shoes??

I’d worry about trusting the pharmacist…

Why…you put them on your feet, just like everyone else. And I know because I’ve been watching you.

I wish I had a stalker chick. Cuz that’d be cool. I’m a lonely guy and I’d like the attention. I’d probably freak out my stalker though.

Well, I was looking in your window, Inigo, but whatever you were doing to that squash was too fucked up for even me.

Sorry, man, I tried.

You should also vary your hair color on a weekly basis. If you’re a blonde one week, the next week you should dye your hair brown to throw off the stalker who’s obsessed with blonde hair; if you’re lucky you’ll have a couple of days breathing space before you pick up a brunette-obsessed one.

I don’t worry about it, at all. Too many people are buying into the idea that some sort of boggeyman is out therem trying to get you. A little bit of caution is reasonable, but there is no reason to live in constant fear, of something that will probably never happen.

For anyone who didn’t watch America’s Most Wanted, they actually hired a guy to stalk a friend of a friend of the producer’s (in other words, someone almost completely unrelated to the show) for a day.

“Here’s our stalker at a phone booth. Notice the girl as she walks right past and DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE HIM”

“Now notice how our stalker is at a table at the same cafe she goes to. AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE HIM”

“Our stalker walks RIGHT by her and her friend, but SHE DOESN’T NOTICE HIM.”

Well, gee, I probably wouldn’t notice some plain looking person, either. Maybe if I kept seeing them daily then I’d get paranoid.

After that, the hired stalker goes and knocks on her apartment door with flowers and says “I’ve been following you all day!” and then the host girl freaks her out by saying “If this was a real stalker you could be DEAD by now.” I wonder if that girl will ever be not paranoid.

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.

OMG, I haven’t watched that show in several years. Despite the fact that John Walsh has always been sharply criticized for “cashing in” on his son’s death, I always supported him. But if this is what he’s sunk to, I finally have to say he’s gone off the deep end.

Some other anti-stalker tips:
[li]Just varying the route you take to work won’t do much good if you’re going to the same place everyday. Each week, you need to get a new job.[/li][li]Having a fixed address is also just asking to be stalked. You need to live like Dr. Richard Kimble or that guy in “Kung Fu” and constantly be moving on to a different town.[/li][li]When you leave a place, be sure to eliminate any witnesses who might provide information on your whereabouts or which way you went.[/li][li]Also leave lots of boobytraps behind you when you go.[/li][/ol]
Of course, the worst stalkers are those guys with the shiny metal badges–some of them wear special uniforms, and others normal street wear. A lot of them even carry guns. You definitely need to be on the lookout for them.

You have never dropped by my place for some casual sex. That would throw them off.

I had a “stalker chick” once. It definitely was not cool.

OK. In a rare moment of lucidity I must ask you to elaborate. And thereby combat ignorance.

I’ve become a little sensitive to sensationalist fear mongering crapola. And I found this whole thing on America’s Most Wanted SO hilarious! I mean, as a normal, non-celebrity person, I’m supposed to take steps to avoid being stalked? Sheesh…plus, as you all pointed out, the impossibility of doing that is so real.

Maybe I’ll move to a cave.