Based on a book I got when I was 10, and the fifth grade lecture, I had a pretty damn good idea (including pictures) of what could be caught by not practicing safe sex at a young age.
Then I’m just glad that my parents never found out.
I think you’re right about this. It’s the kind of thing that causes intense mental distress, whether plnnr intended it to or not.
And just to give you (one) flip side of that, at 13, I would’ve coerced, lied, pleaded, begged and done everything I could to get a guy to do a little digital stimulation because I was a horny thing. It’s not like it’s just the boys whose hormones are raging and whose bodies are saying ‘That feels damned good.’
Hey, I’m female, and I love to give them too. It was, from the very first one I ever gave, a wicked turn on.
Take a lesson from the guys then. They ask for blowjobs. No harm in a girl asking for what she wants.
Not trying to be snarky, but if, truly, NO guy has ever said that to you, you’ve picked some losers.
Throughout my single years, “Lets do some stuff together” was my main come-on line to move a relationship to the next (physical) level. And yes, I did mean together, and I always made the necessary effort to make it work out very well for both parties. I don’t think I’m unusual in this. Most guys are happier and get a warm, fuzzy feeling if their girl is feelin’ it too. (Pun, a little, maybe.)
I think you acted in a much cooler manner than most people would have expected in such a situation, but your reaction is still essentially punitive. I’m not sure what the lesson is supposed to be, here.
Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex?
Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners.
You’d be fine telling her that you’re not comfortable with her sexual activity and that you still think of her as a child. She will probably disagree with the second part and think the first part is your hang-up, your problem, you deal with it yourself.
Guess what, she’s right.
If she cuts you any slack, it will be by trying to make sure you don’t find out about it in the future… so as to spare your feelings on the matter. A very mature response. And one that is invariably characterized as rebellion.
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Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex?
Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners.
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That isn’t the point. OP and his wife are adults. The subject is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. OP is a STEP-dad. If he had chosen to handle this on his own I could see potentially disasterous consequences down the line.
IMO, 13 is too young to be engaging in sex, let alone being so cocky (no pun intended) about it that they would engage in it with OP at home.
I think it was handled well. If I had been caught in that sort of behavior I would have received an ass-whoopin’, then a lecture, then grounding. (I mean a spanking, not a beating.)
Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex? Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners.
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That isn’t the point. OP and his wife are adults. The subject is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. OP is a STEP-dad. If he had chosen to handle this on his own I could see potentially disasterous consequences down the line.
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Snakescatlady, Right On. Sorry to break the news to some of y’all dudes, but thirteen year-old minors DO NOT HAVE THE EXACT SAME RIGHTS AS ADULTS.
And on the other subject that has been raised: yes, 13-y/o girls are perfectly capable of wanting to give blowjobs of their own initiative; whether they do or can give it enough thought to make it a GOOD IDEA is what’s arguable. I mean, people decide of their own initiative it’s fun to drive 100 in a 25 zone. Similarly, other 13-y/o girls probably DO feel this is some sort of gross imposition on which they have to “take one for the team”, and that one is NEVER a good idea.
Well, that was interesting. First, a little back story…
My wife is a psychotherapist. Honest, open, and frank communication are her stock-in-trade. Not surprisingly, she and my step-daughter have already had numerous discussions about sexual matters. In fact, my step-daughter confided in my wife just last week that one of my sd’s peer group had lost her virginity (the girl is also 13). My wife asked my sd what she thought about that, and my sd’s response was “That’s gross.” I’ll also point out that my wife has a tendency to have a boundary issue with my sd (at least from my perspective) in that she (my wife) sometimes tries to much to be my sd’ “friend” as opposed to her parent. That makes communication pretty open between them, but creates a conflict in roles when all of a sudden my wife has to take "friend"hat off and put “parent” hat on. That may give you a picture of the dynamics.
So, my sd steps up to the plate and tells my wife (I wasn’t home for the event, I had a meeting). Wife tells me that she cool-headed, but still upset. She and sd hashed it out and, as I suspected, sd tells my wife that boys expect it if the girl is going to be seen as “cool.” This REALLY frosted my wife, who deals with these issues everyday at work. “X, you do not have to do this to be cool. That’s just a line boys use to get what they want, and you’ve got to have enough self-esteem to stand up and say, 'Hey, I’m not doing this just because you want me to or so I can be seen as cool. You know you’ve got more to offer than that.”
My wife asked how long I was going to go before I said something to her about it if my sd hadn’t and I said that I was going to tell her that night. I told her that I can’t be put in the position of keeping confidences from my wife, particularly by her daughter. That’s just a no-win situation all the way around. Wife said she appreciated that and we went to bed.
Life goes on, but like H.I. said in Raising Arizona , “It ain’t Ozzy and Harriet.”
Good outcome. The world did not end, the girl did not die of embarassment, Mother took the opportunity to point out nobody should ever feel it’s “ya-gotta-do-it-or-else”. Ad the girl at least now she knows that if she DOES run into real trouble she CAN bring it up and it may be uncomfortable but it won’t be the Apocalypse.
And BTW, notice, guys, that Mother fully expectedplnnr to bring it up to her ASAP whether or not the girl did, shutting up would have meant Hell to pay.
Now, how the teenager reacts to “you’ve got more to offer than that”, whether it’s by deciding she can quit the “or-else-you’ll-be-uncool” game completely, or conversely that she can call-and-raise and start laying down her own demands and terms from the boys, or just become more selective and discriminating about what she does with whom and when and where (the choice of most people in my experience), that’s an entire another parenting issue they’ll have to deal with and I don’t envy them at all.
No, we use protection but every scare monger always loves to bring out the “condoms aren’t perfect” line. No, they aren’t perfect because the user usually is a little too distracted to use one correctly. My school taught me exactly how to use a condom, including giving us a few to “try out” (not implying to use them for sex of course!). A 13 CAN understand all about making babies and take the EXACT same precautions as adults. Heck, I’d called a BJ a good precaution to pregnancy
And yeah, as others have mentioned, BJs are not considered straight “sex” in my area. It’s considered 3rd base.
I’m glad the plnnr wife is pretty cool. It’s just not the standard though which is why I get defensive about this sort of thing. No offense meant plnnr!
Yes, and it’s not the standard for a 13 year old to be responsible enough to use condoms (which, relatively speaking, are fairly crappy birth control) correctly and consistently, which is why people get bent out of shape about kids that age having sex. And since you decided that was a stupid, pointless argument on the one side of the fence, you can’t really expect people to take you seriously when you use it on the other side of the fence.
I was in High School (in the USA) in the late 70’s and we had sex-ed classes complete with condom on banana demo. No abstinence lectures. Can’t vouch for today.
That said, we don’t know the particulars of the OP’s daughter BJ episode. Was she practicing safe sex? This is significant information.
And no matter what, the mother should be made aware that her daughter has become sexually active.
What is giving these young girls the idea that they have to do it?
And what’s up with these boys expecting it? Is this the typical 13 year old boy attitude, or does plnnr’s stepdaughter just go to school with a bunch of rotten ones?
