My stepson - Episode III: The drunkening

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Bullpuckey. Customer service departments live and breath to make changes in accounts … more or less. We have changed our mortgage autopay 3 or 4 times in 15 years as we changed banks. Not a problem. Just do it the day after the payment is drafted out, and require that it be drawn from bank#2 30 days later. Not a problem. Trust me, they are used to people changing accounts.

Your company payroll department also lives and breathes to change account information. As I suggested in my last post, get your own priivate bank account and have all your monies deposited in to that one and refuse her access to it.

AS to the cash to get out and perhaps get a lawyer … Sprynge … or at least april 15th is icumin in, TAX REFUND MONEY. Take your share of it and don’t let her have it. SHe can have the portion of the tax refund that she is due and that is it.

42

How about asking to see the judge along with the prosecuting attorney and the defense attorney and suggesting the pratt gets sent to rehab and or jail? A wake up call is definitely in order and since he really is guilty of the charge, it could be a win win situation.

43

So your wife’s solution is to continue to behave in the same manner, and expect different results? Sounds good. She’s quite a gem, and a solid thinker to boot.

I’m [sup]n[/sup]thing the suggestions that you separate your financial affairs, since it’s set up now in such a way that she can basically spit in your face and spend your money on her fuckwit of a son.

Man, this situation sucks, and you are being disrespected on so many levels here. I can appreciate that you love this woman, but you are going to be dealing with her progeny for The Rest of Your Life. Trust me.

44

It sounds like it is time to make a tough choice, but it almost sounds like you don’t want to have to make the tough choice.

Perhaps all it will take is you starting the process to wake up your wife.

I was thinking what happens if he gets bombed on McCormicks Vodka again and decides to drive through the house on accident and kills you and your wife? Or the van load of babies on the way to the day care? It sounds like you are the only one holding the maturity torch here.

If it was me and it isn’t, so forgive me and I knew that there was nothing I was going to be able to do about changing my wife’s mind on this situation, I would haul ass right out of there. He will do it again or something equally as stupid and the eyes are going to go right to you and her. It isn’t your fault he is a dumbfuck so don’t put yourself in the position to have to deal with it later.

45

I stand by what I said earlier. She’s not magically going to stop feeding money to her parasite once he turns 18. His transgressions will continue to escalate, as will her rescues. Who knows what it would take to get her to stop — if anything ever will.

Are you prepared for her to burden you with a second mortgage to bail him out of jail? For her to cash out your retirement to pay his rent? To be named in a civil suit to recoup damages from some crime he commits? To have your joint credit ruined because she co-signs on a loan he won’t pay?

Sure, you have wedding vows: richer or poorer, better or worse, etc., but it doesn’t sound as if she’s holding up her end of them. She’s using you. If somebody were to spend my money and undermine my authority and give me no voice in the house, I wouldn’t call that the actions of somebody who loved and cherished and respected me.

It’s only going to get worse, and it’ll continue to get harder to break her of the habit. Just know that as much as she is enabling him, you are enabling her to do it.

46

Even if Mr. Blue Sky makes some of the drastic changes suggested here, this situation could still end in an ugly shit storm. However, it is all but pre-ordained that if there aren’t any changes made this is going to end in an ugly shit storm

47

NOOOO!!!
BZZZTT - Wrong answer.

You don’t have to suck it up. The fact that she helped you out in the past is meaningless compared to what she is doing to you (and her son) now.

You need to fly fast and far. Open a seperate checking account in your name only and let your paycheck go there. When the mortgage company says WTF?, tell them there’s a glitch of some kind with the direct deposit. You get paid every two weeks, right? Get two or three checks into that other account, then move out.

Go to your local Legal Aid or Lawyer Referral service and find someone who will handle your divorce pro bono or reduced rate with terms. Save yourself.

48

Blue Sky -

You have my sympathy. What a cruddy situation.

After reading this thread it’s pretty clear that all you want is sympathy and do not see this as a problem to be fixed but a condition to be endured. So, yes, the entire thing sucks and you are a saint to endure it. If venting on this board makes you feel better, vent away.

49

Your definition of clear needs a little work, but thanks all the same. I am not looking for sympathy and I’m not a saint by any means. It is helpful to vent, though.

Despite all the suggestions to run away, I don’t want to make a life-shattering decision until I can weigh all the options with a clear mind.

50

I don’t want to be a doomsayer, and I really do hope I’m wrong about this MBS, but more than likely this will never end unless the boy dies.

I know that no two situations are alike, but I think all of us have some experience with parents who baby their kids into disaster.

My brother (who’s around 15 years older than me) was married and had 2 kids around 1964. 1973 his wife is killed in a car accident, he’s left with 2 kids a very full-time job and with complete devastation at the loss of his wife. For about a year he moved back in with my parents (I was still living there at the time) not so much because he had to financially but just because he wasn’t able to adequately run a house by himself. He’s a smart guy but his marriage was a very 1950s traditional marriage, he brought home the bacon and she ran the house and did the “work” aspects of raising the kids. A guy who had never done his own laundry or cooked anything other than a boiled egg was in no shape to raise two kids.

After a year he gets married again to a woman who has a step son who’s about 13.

My brother’s wife (they’re married to this day) is a great woman, very nice etc. She just is a horrible mother, has never disciplined her son once. It was through a miracle of god he graduated high school. Since that time he’s lived 95% of his life with my brother, in the basement, smoking pot and getting drunk. In between living with my brother he’s been married 5 times. Each marriage ended in divorce because this guy has never been disciplined and, he thinks he’s allowed to beat his women whenever he wants and does. His mom finds ways to get him out of legal trouble, usually by more or less bribing the women by giving them all of the marital assets and then some in the divorce, which brings Johnny back home again. I should also mention for every one of these marriages they (my brother and his wife) have bought him either a small house or mobile home to live in. So that’s 5 residences they’ve bought and had to give up because of this guy in lieu of him getting in trouble for beating up his wives (he has spent a few months in jail, actually.)

In should also mention this guy has never had meaningful employment.

Why’s my brother put up with it? No idea. He chose his life and he has to deal with that.

I hope to god this doesn’t happen to you, but in my experience mom’s who baby their children like this never let go. I have a friend (to add to the list of anectdotal evidence) who raised a similar kid, he’s been living with mommy and daddy his whole life and he’s 31. They continue to have to bail him out of jail every few months, finance his life, and etcetera.

All I can say is, if the problem is here now then it’s not going to go away just when he’s 18. You need to find a way to either deal with the fact that you’re going to be financing this guy and probably living with him for your entire life, find a way out, or find some way to stop it without losing your marriage.

You’re not in an enviable position, every option has pretty shitty results.

51

Rightly so, Mr. Blue Sky, but don’t discount yourself for someone who obviously is either oblivious to your feelings and needs and her responsibilities, OR she just flat out doesn’t give a damn and is using you.

Whatever happens, wish you well.

52

In my experience mothers like this actually are often great people aside from this fact. They’re just completely blind to the fact that their kid is messed up, they have no idea how to raise a kid, and they are oblivious to the pain the kid causes others.

53

Not to get overly philosophical but what is the price of happiness and peace of mind? Is it really just the money?

Several people here have made good suggestions and you’ve had reasons that none of them would work. That sounds to me like you want the situation to change and your wife and her son to change but you don’t want to change. You shouldn’t have to because you’re right, is that it?

But here’s the thing, there is only one thing in this terrible situation that you can change and that is yourself. So ask yourself this question: Would you rather be right or would you rather have peace?

Money, bank accounts, credit ratings, forclosure, bankruptcy, whatever. It’s just money. This is your life. This is the only life you get. Right now. This very second. Are you really willing to continue being miserable?

Think on this for a moment: The known misery is always preferable to the unknown joy.

There is a peaceful and joyful existance out there waiting for you. You may have to work very hard to get it but this life that you’re living now sounds like imprisonment.

I’m sorry for your situation. It just sucks, really it does. Good luck to you.

54

And I’d just like to add that I didn’t mean to come off as self-righteous or condescending or anything like that. It’s a bad situation, it really is and is probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I was just hoping to add some perspective. You really do deserve to be happy.

55

You people sound like you don’t know a single kid who drank underage, smoked pot, and drove too fast at the age of 16 and grew up to be a good and productive person. Well, I’ve seen tons who did everything MBS’s kid did and worse, and turned out just fine. This kid is having some problems but it is by no means the end of the world at this point.

Underage drinking, drugging and general irresponsibility are epidemic in this country. But they don’t all grow up to be Al Capone. I’m not saying I condone it or that Mr. Blue Sky doesn’t have a problem on his hands. I’m saying that parenting sometimes has an ugly side, and we don’t all get the idyllic experience the Cleavers did back in 1955 America.

I’m not going to sit here and try to psychoanalyze the Sky Family, but it is possible that this kid is pissed off about his dad, Mrs. Sky is probably guilt-ridden about her past mistakes, and family life isn’t exactly what the brochure said when MBS signed up. This kid is not an adult and he’s obviously having a difficult time getting there. Those of you who endorse treating this kid like something to be scraped off your shoe will do the family, and society in general, more harm than good. Throwing him away is NOT the answer.

56

Watch out, the pot head crowd is in to tell us all that every kid is supposed to be incredibly fucked up by age 15 or they’re abnormal.

That’s stupid, and it’s a stupid argument that can’t seem to die in society at large.

There’s a big difference between goofing off, misbehaving, getting rowdy with booze and drugs and:

  1. Driving under the influence

  2. Twice

  3. Getting expelled from school

  4. This is the big one, having parents who NEVER TELL YOU any better.

That’s the big thing. I got drunk all the time in HS, but I knew their could be consequences and I knew there were limits. I didn’t do anything stupid enough to get arrested because I didn’t want to get caught by my parents.

In a way, it was a manner in which it restrained how much “fun” I had. The kid in this story, like so many I’ve known, doesn’t have to worry about getting caugt. So why should he? He’s going to have as much fun as he wants however he wants because he knows there can never be consequences.

Even if he wasn’t the type to enjoy drinking or whatever, it’d still be a major problem if he grew up in a world where doing something wrong carries with it NO consequences of any kind.

57

I know lots of people like that. They all had parents who kicked their ass (figuratively) when they screwed up.

I also know people who had parents like the mother in the OP. Things did not turn out so well for them.

58

Look…I see the flaws in this family. All I’m saying is that THROWING HIM AWAY (as many of you have endorsed) is the wrong approach. He’s 16 years old! He’s obviously screwed up and needs a lot more work before he’ll be able to make it. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t believe for a minute that his mother doesn’t care. I think she’s overwhelmed and is frozen in her tracks, afraid to make a move because she fears it will be the wrong one AGAIN. Yes, family counseling would be good, but if his mom isn’t going to, SOMEONE has to make a positive move…not a negative one. Maybe MBS and the dad can work together. Maybe there’s another relative who can help.

This kid is way too young to give up on yet.

59

It’s not MBS’s kid so when the biological mother has basically told him she doesn’t really want or care what he thinks about the matter I’d say that’s end-game for him.

60

MBS has my sympathy, too.

Regarding the quote above, I don’t think anyone is saying to let this kid rot. It’s just that MBS has three options:

  1. Help the child himself (effectively impossible for the reasons listed above)
  2. Not help the child, remain in the situation, and be miserable
  3. Leave the child’s family altogether.

(I vote #3, by the way, but I understand it’s not my call.)

It’s not so much that I think the kid is irredeemable, it’s that MBS is not in a position to help. In other words, it’s not his responsibility because Mrs. Sky won’t let him take responsibility. I think all of us, Mr. Blue Sky included, would RATHER he stay in the situation, if and only if he’s allowed to give the kid some consequences and make them stick. But since he can’t help, why should he suffer?