My stupid friend (whiney)

The BBQ Pit
1

Normally I wouldn’t write a thread like this because I don’t like reading threads where other people whine about their lives, and I don’t expect people to want to read threads where I whine about mine. But I have no one I can go to. I just need to get this out of my system because I fear that if I keep it inside, I don’t know what I’ll end up doing.

I have this friend who I thought was a really awesome friend; I could talk to her about anything, and she would actually listen. It’s not every day you come across those, so I was pretty excited.

A couple weeks ago she found out I’d never had an orgasm. She went on and on about it, like, “I can’t believe you’ve never had an orgasm! JEEEEEEEZ!” For hours. And then it turned into days. And she still brings it up. It makes me feel deficient, like part of me is broken and now I’m subhuman. I never thought not-orgasming was that big of a deal; it wasn’t something I ever expected. But she made me feel like absolute shit. So I got a vibrator and I went to town. For five nights in a row. With no results at all. I can’t even get myself close when that’s all I focus on for an hour. And I wasn’t tense or frustrated any of those nights–I was completely relaxed and at ease. In fact, the reason I stopped trying was because I was starting to get frustrated, and I knew that wouldn’t help me at all. Anyway, so I can’t orgasm, and my friend thinks this is the most abnormal, outrageous thing ever.

The other night, she asked me what I was doing this weekend. I mentioned that I wasn’t really doing anything, since all of my other friends had plans all weekend. She said that it depresses her how I’m so negative all the time. How I won’t “give college a try”, whatever that means (she wouldn’t explain). I’m cynical for a perfectly good reason–I’ve been burned in the past (including by this friend), and I’m sick of it. If I don’t expect anyone to want to hang out with me, then I don’t get depressed when they don’t want to hang out with me. If it ends up they do want to hang out with me, then I can get excited. I use my cynicism to protect me. This is what I call pessimistic optimism–if you expect the worst, then you won’t be disappointed when the worst happens; if the best happens, then you’ll be excited because you weren’t expecting it. This is the particular philosophy that I adhere to.

So she kept going on and on about how I’m so negative and I won’t “give college a try”, and I just really started feeling pathetic. And she’s done that in the past, kind of lament how “anti-social” I am. And now I’m re-evaluating my friendship with this girl. She’s making me feel like shit, and I don’t really get any benefits out of her.

Why haven’t I told her any of this? Good question. I just don’t feel like being confrontational. It’s [normally] easier for me to stew about this privately, and work it out on my own. But it’s building up. I really don’t have any other friends I can talk to about this. I’m starting to feel really worthless because of the things she keeps telling me, and the stress of this combined with the stress of school is really bearing down on me. I had to get this out before I did something I would regret. And for what? Something that’s my own fault, because I’m too chickenshit to work it out.

Anyway, I think I’ll be having a conversation with this girl sometime soon.

For any of you who’ve read this far, thanks for listening.

2

If she keeps bringing it up, that seems rather rude. And if she is upset that you won’t “give college a try”, she should really explain what she means by it. Unless you’re not enrolled in college and she is and she thinks you should enroll? But somehow, I don’t think that’s what you meant?

3

I’m enrolled in college. What I suspect she means is that I should go get drunk every weekend and wake up next to some guy I’ve never seen before. But that sounds so much less romantic than “giving college a try”. Heh. I pretty much spend my time doing homework and sleeping. I’m not really all that outgoing and it’s hard for me to make friends, and all of my current friends are busy with other stuff, and …I’m just making excuses. This whole situation is under my control but I’m feeling too sorry for myself to change it. And knowing that I’m being a lazy dumbass makes me feel worse, which makes me feel more sorry for myself, which… I suck.

After thinking about this pit thread, I realize it probably seems like I’m making something out of nothing. I just feel really alone and alienated, like probably every other person my age. I think a lot of it is just me being unnecessarily dramatic, but I just can’t seem to figure things out.

4

You should tell her since I moved here I can’t figure out a single thing to do other than pick up a book at B&N, occasionally go to a movie down by Meijer and pick up cheap wine at Schnucks to drink at home while I eat Empire or ghetto sushi. Then her head might explode that bigger losers than you exist. :stuck_out_tongue: I did the whole party all the time thing when I first got here. Then it just got old. Then I needed time to adjust to the fact that you can’t drive 3 miles in any direction without hitting corn. Then I just gave up and let my inner loser come out.

Seriously, though, if you are already beyond getting shitfaced in campustown every weekend you are already a-ok in my book. Although, I really do like that new hookah bar.

I’m going home for hols this weekend but seriously, if you are ever really bored I will meet you for ghetto sushi or Empire as I’m always looking for an excuse to eat there. Despite being gradish I’m not too long in the tooth (yet)! :slight_smile:

5

I’m taking bets on which post contains the first “Hey baby, I can fix that problem for you” joke

I’m putting my money on #27

6

All I can suggest is 1) quit hanging around with negative people, and 2) it sounds like a malapropism for “give it the old college try.”

7

I certainly hope she’s not advocating this as a solution to the orgasm problem. I suspect that the typical drunk hookup guy would not have pleasuring you as his #1 priority. :wink:

Not completely – it does sound rude that she kept bringing up the orgasm issue, and it sounds as if she’s being pushy in other ways. Although she may have a point, at least in some of the social aspects. Nothing but homework and sleeping gets boring quickly, and it wouldn’t hurt to at least put in an appearance if she invites you somewhere.

When she asked what your plans were, was she inviting you somewhere? Just curious.

8

Nope, just making conversation. I asked what she was doing, and her weekend was booked. And she didn’t invite me. Which is completely fine. My friends have other friends besides me, and I’m not the type of person to invite myself along (because I hate it when other people invite themselves along). I would hang out with her if she invited me. In the past, we’ve made plans, and she’s blown them off. Multiple times. She does this to other people, too. She doesn’t want to make people feel bad, so she never turns them down. What she doesn’t realize is that it hurts worse when people set aside room in their schedule to hang out with her and then she blows them off. This has been explained to her multiple times, but she doesn’t get it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I’m friends with this girl.

Taber: I was thinking that exact thing. Except my guess is that it will come up earlier. I will respond to any such post with a roll of my eyes and “well aren’t you clever.”

Thanks for all the responses.

9

Maybe she’s trying to get you to give her a “college try” to help you out in what she’s sees as your ‘problem area.’ If she’s extremely straight-laced and easily put in her place, perhaps you could suggest it. Then see if the light comes on. :smiley:

10

Someone will fix it for you. When the time is right, the place is right, the person is right. Someday, sometime, somewhere. You’re right to not fret it; that will make things worse. Just be ready.

11

Well, in this case, it sounds like it was none of her business. Doesn’t sound like your telling her, “no, I don’t have any specific plans this weekend” merits a response of her getting on your case for being negative.

So I don’t think you’re making something out of nothing. :slight_smile:

YMMV, but I’d probably react to her this way (if it were me). If she’s being nice and friendly, fine. When she’s being pushy or critical (especially if you don’t feel there’s any reason to be), I’d just find a reason to part myself from her company (or hang up the phone, or whatever) for the time being. “Okay, I’ve got to go for now. Talk to you later.” Maybe she’d get the hint, maybe not – but it could save you some grief.

12

My theory was that my post about it would dissuade that type of joke, so the person who made it would be one who didn’t read the whole thread before posting, which happens more as the thread gets longer

13

Well, it’s too late to be more circumspect about sharing personal information (at least that particular item), but to curb the ongoing conversation you might try something like: “You know, I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’m pretty sure I can come to terms with just being quietly patient about it. Now if we could cure your obsession with it, I think we’d both find it much easier to cope.” Fair’s fair, of course – if you want her to steer clear of this or any other topic, you’re forbidden from bringing it up as well. Meantime, relax: nectar’s as sweet whenever you drink it.

14

I’m not a good advice giver, so consider this an awkward pat on the shoulder backed by sincere wishes that you feel better as soon as possible.

From your posts here, it’s obvious that you’re not pathetic in any way. In fact, you’ve always struck me as a pretty cool woman with her head on right and a great attitude towards life.

Besides, you play the mandolin. It’s a scientific fact that mandolinists are the coolest people in the world. Does your friend? I doubt it… :slight_smile:

15

She sounds like a pretty worthless bitch. I’m not sure if she has other good qualities or not, but if you don’t want to be friends with her, don’t. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation, either. It’s so easy to just sorta avoid people and stop talking to them. If she calls you, say you’re too busy to talk to her. If she wants to hang out, make excuses. Just get away from her. Having a “friend” like her isn’t doing you any favors.

And don’t worry about being antisocial. Our culture places a very strong value on being “sociable” but that doesn’t mean that people who aren’t inclined that way are inherently pathetic. Do what you want, and if you want to go to parties, have fun. If you don’t want to, don’t feel bad about it. A lot of people hate parties. I sure as fuck do.

16

Which is the reason most of these rants are written in the first place. Don’t worry about it. Better to rant here than eye a long prison sentence. Don’t think of it as whining, think of it as taking a step back from the ledge. God knows I’ve had to do it a few times with my family. :slight_smile:

“Give it the ol’ college try”? I’d be more apt to beleive this was a suggestion to either sleep with her or start masturbation… Sorry to be so blunt, but your friend knows damn well having experienced one that it doesn’t take a penis. Shit, even I know in my conservative low-brow knuckle-dragging life that if a woman isn’t mentally/emotionally “into” a guy, the Big O ain’t gonna happen.

Assuming your life is going well so far, and you’ve found no reason to sleep with random guys to feel good, carry on. I hate to sound like an old man, but I’d say do what you wouldn’t deny in 6 months. I don’t know of anyone that regretted doing that.

17

Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they will never be disappointed.

Expecting nothing does protect you from being hurt or angry or bent out of shape when things fall through. Of course, it also means you never get to look forward to stuff, which really does rob a lot of the color and zest out of life. Anticipation is important, even if all you’re anticipating is sitting around in your underwear eating popcorn and talking to the cat.

As for your friend, I’d simply tell her that constantly hearing about what a negative-nelly loser she thinks you are and how much you depress her is depressing you. If she honestly has good intentions and just doesn’t realize what an obsessive, obnoxious cow she’s being, it clears the way for a heartfelt apology and a change in her behavior. Otherwise, it paves the way for you to distance yourself from the relationship and not discuss your personal life with her.

Oh, and if not orgasming isn’t a big deal to you, then it’s not a big deal. Your opinion on the subject is the only one that matters. If it’s something you’re interested in working on for your own reasons and not to shut her the fuck up, I’d look into arousal issues. It’s damn near impossible to have an orgasm when your head’s not in the game, so to speak. I find that simply being relaxed and at ease isn’t enough. I’ve got to be really mentally into it, or it’s just not gonna happen.

18

I don’t want to overstep my bounds here as I am a guy but; isn’t it pretty common for women NOT to be able to orgasm if they are generally depressed?

19

Nope, not even that long. :slight_smile:

If only she didn’t live so far awa…
[Keanu] Whoh [/Keanu]

:stuck_out_tongue:

20

Eh, you and I have talked about this before. You seem happy and perfectly well-adjusted to me, cynicsm or not. You do need to tell her to stop harping on it.

And no, slutting around will not make you happy unless you were built that way in the first place. Just keep your mind focused.

But oh-so-young to be cynical. :wink: (I’m teasing. I’ve always been very optimistic which often makes one gullible.)