I am 100% confident that my wife and I are one of the happier couples around. She’s mid 30s, I’m late 30s. Over the weekend I was cleaning out an old wardrobe while she was running errands. I came across several small boxes. Most had cards, letters, pictures and such, like from our wedding party and so on.
One box in particular had some hair pins, a small piece of cloth, something that looked like a hair scrunchy.
And a mid-sized pink dildo. With batteries.
Which surprised me, to say the least, because in the six years we’ve known each other (3 before marriage, been 3 since) I had never seen it, in fact never knew she had it (think of all the fun I’d been missing! )
I didn’t have time to do a full inspection, but it doesn’t look like it’s new. So I’m assuming she’s had it a while. If it was one of her ‘guilty pleasure’ toys, well - hey, that’s cool. I know if I was at home all day I guess I’d get bored too.
But then I started worrying that it means she’s not happy with our sex life. I’ll talk with her at some point, but thought I’d tap into the collective wisdom of the teeming millions - should I assume she’s sexually frustrated? What’s the best way to broach this? "Sure, I’ll pick up milk at the store on the way home. Say, want to try using that pink dildo tonight together?’ Women of the SDMB, would you rather your husband just ignored your guilty pleasure toy if you were otherwise happy with how things are in bed? Am I over-thinking this?
Yeah, in my opinion, it’s not the toy that’s the problem (if problem there be), it’s the fact that she apparently feels she needs to hide it from you. Of course, you could be overreacting - it might be that she bought it years ago and forgot about it, or something equally innocuous. But people in a healthy relationship should be able to talk about that sort of thing.
So it was in with wedding stuff? Sounds to me like a bachelorette party gag gift. I got one of those, myself. Even if it isn’t and she uses it every day, I wouldn’t worry much about it.
Some women find it hard to have an orgasm from masturbating without using a vibrator. She might find it uncomfortable to tell her husband, “hey, I like having a quick orgasm now and then, and need a toy to manage that; nothing against you.”
Maybe she doesn’t want to use it with you. I think you’re right to ask her about it, but I also think this is her business, not yours. If she tells you to back off (in so many words), I’d leave it alone. Do you share every sexual thought or fantasy or solo session with her? Why should she with you?
**Renee **brings up a very legitimate point, and one that I would have not caught.
Unless this box of memorabilia is easily accessible, I’d assume it was an item not commonly used.
On the other hand, I suppose it is something of a relief that the size was ‘medium’.
Since this has bothered you enough to bring it up here with us, I suggest you find a nice comfortable time to bring it up with her.
It might be a pleasant discussion (or not) but I think it is a necessary discussion.
I agree completely. Ask in a casual way and if she shuts it down, that’s all you need to know. She doesn’t feel the need to share her masturbation practices. She’s entitled to have aspects of her sexuality which are just for her, even if she is your wife and sexual partner.
Well, the replies here are pretty much long the lines of what I had been thinking. My only concern was that she was finding our sex ‘inadequate’ (as opposed to, generally pretty satisfied but not above wanting a quickie here and there). We aren’t the most exotic of couples when it comes to sex - she’s not reserved, but neither is she going to go swinging from the chandeliers with the curtains open, if you know what I mean.
I think Ferret Herder’s comment sounds about right. We can talk about most anything, so I’ll probably bring it up sometime when the mood is right.
Clearly she wants an occasional respite from the massive hot bar of steel she’s otherwise getting
This reminds me of a story. My wife and I were at one of the local grown-up toy stores a while back. The was one other customer in the store, a young (mid-20s) lady. We browsed a while and found what we were looking and proceeded to the counter. The yound lady was there ahead of us. She explained to the cashier that she was buying a gag gift for a wedding shower. She paid and left the store. We stepped up to the counter and the cashier (after looking over her shoulder to make sure the other customer was gone) said, “That just cracks me up. They all say that. She bought the most expensive [rabbit-type vibrator] we have. If you were really buying a gag gift, wouldn’t you buy a cheap one?”
Bingo. I remember being annoyed when my husband found my toy, because I knew it meant he would want to try it on me, have me try it in front of him, etc.
I played along a bit, and had some fun. But the truth is, it is a tool for masturbation, which I usually like to enjoy alone. Just like, I’m certain he masturbates when he is alone. I don’t nose in on that, and I certainly don’t assume that he is unhappy with me sexually, just because he masterbates.
Qadgop the Mercotan, I can assure you, women also ‘have their porn’. It’s not just a guy thing.
You should futz with the switch a bit, until it’s jussssssst about on. Then occasionally let something heavy drop on the ground (“oof, this case of books is killing my back!”) until it switches on and the closet starts going all BBBBbbbbrrrrrzzzzzzzzrrRRRrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzbbbbbrrrrrrrZZZZZZzzzz…
At that point, you have several options. I say go for style, run into the room with a wild look on your face, then grab a golf club out of the hall closet and start maniacally swinging about while shouting about how you’ll protect her and that she should run for safety. Extra bonus points if it happens in the middle of the night, you have guests over (family = x2), or you happen to be trying on a duck costume.
Mind your own business. It has nothing to do with YOU and your wife’s sex life, that’s a separate deal, and it’s possible no matter how mightily you labor, she doesn’t always get satisfaction. A ‘toy’ will let one go from zero to 60 in minutes, in privacy. Done! Private. I disagree you have to bring up the subject, want to watch her try it out, incorporaate it into your love life. It’s hers. Don’t spoil it for her, it’s none of your business.
The more I think about this, the more I’m thinking: why bring it up at all? If you bring it up, then she knows you know and then she might feel she needs to explain or defend or accommodate you etc. Like Nzinga said–it’s her deal. Why not let well enough alone?
I can tell you that if she has a vibrator and its hidden, it’s because she doesn’t want you in on it or it’s a left over gag gift. Cope.
Never mind-salinq said it better.
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