I’m with Kunilou here. Talk to her and tell her that your fantasy is to use toys on her. Not just dildos…vibrators, geisha-balls. buttplugs, lubes, feather dusters, bull whips, you name it. If she then mentions that she has a pink dildo you can try on here then great; if not, then don’t mention it.
The pink one might be from an old relationship, or from when she was single, or just for some reason just carry with it some old memories. I doubt that’s it’s a sign that your sex life is waning, unless it’s associated with a remarkable lack of interest from her part. If the two of you are honest with each other, then encouraging and being able to talk about her masturbating will merely make her feel more secure. And you obviously seem to be in on the idea, so go for it.
I’m seriously not getting the people advocating compartmentalization of one’s sex life? My gf and I share pretty much everything. Not only are we aware of each other’s mastubatory habits, we encourage them (at mutual arousal). She has some toys to herself, and some toys we use on her together. It’s the first permanent partner I’m with with whom I can be so candid, and I absolutely love it. So what’s so great about keeping secrets?
I used to sell those toys, Tokyo Trader, at home parties. It was a lot of fun. I quit because I’m also an artist & I kept running into people at the grocery store & it got awkward “Did I draw your portrait? Or sell you a sex toy?”
And yeah - it does sound like just something she received at a bridal shower. Otherwise it’d be in the sock drawer.
And no - vibrators aren’t a substitute for our men. Just like porn isn’t a substitute for women. Instead, many women find that as they increase their sexual response through self-stimulation, they’re able to enjoy a wider range of pleasure with their partner.
BTW, vibrators are the ones with batteries, dildos don’t have batteries. Ya gotta getcher lingo right ;).
Hmmm, I’m not sure I would agree with this as there are vibrating dildos. To me dildo is a term to describe a penis shaped object, whereas vibrator would be the standard vibrating 4-8" smooth phallus object that of course vibrates.
I get this, but I think it would be good if a lot of men accepted female private masturbation as an equal to male private masturbation. In other words, it doesn’t have to be a part of anything to do with him. It doesn’t have to be a part of some larger plan to make sex better over all with her partner, helping her to enjoy wider ranges and all that. It is just a tool for her private masterbation that makes it really easier to do so. Sort of like some kind of lubricant for men makes it easier for them to masterbate.
Kombatminipig, I see what you mean about being all open and sharing about sex, and that’s awesome. But there is nothing wrong with a woman (or a man) wanting to enjoy some private masterbation time, and if you find that they have tucked away the toys for that and decided not to tell you, I think it is best to act as if you never saw it. It doesn’t mean you don’t still have a open, healthy communication about your sex life.
Also, lastly, because I know when I’m beating a dead horse, it would never occur to me in a million years that masturbation* meant something was wrong in the sex life. I thought everyone masturbated regardless of how great the sex is!
*I’ve been spelling it ‘masterbation’ all thread, and no one corrected me. That’s cold.
Has it occurred to anyone that this woman simply received the toy as part of a bachelorette gift bag, chucked it in the closet, and totally forgot about its existence?
If that were me, I’d have fun with it and leave the dildo in strategic, weird, odd places. Like in the bookshelf as a bookend, or in the refrigerator next to the milk, or in the wine rack next to the merlot… See how long it takes for her to notice where it is this time and then move it.
If it was that difficult to get at, it’s either forgotten or a secret. People in marriages can have secrets (not all secrets are equal of course, but it’s ok for two people who respect and trust each other to respect and trust each others privacy). If it’s a secret, it’s private. If your real concern is her happiness in your sex life, then approach that question and leave the vibrator out of it. Next time you are feeling close (sexual or otherwise) ask her if she’s happy with your sex life or if there is anything different you can do.
What is so good about sharing every little thing? Yes, I’m a wife (and mother and nurse and librarian and friend/neighbor etc), but I’m also me, the individual. IMO it’s young couples who think that all must be shared. As I get older, I’m all for personal privacy–as long as there is a balance between mutual understanding/shared things and strictly personal stuff.
Why do you need to know all of your spouse’s fantasies/ masturbation habits etc? As long as your shared sex is good, what difference does it make? I’m not asking the OP, who has reached his decision–this is just a general question. Guys are “supposed” to be able to go to strip clubs (or whatever) and masturbate to Penthouse or online stuff, as much and as often as he likes, but a woman has a vibrator her husband doesn’t know about and suddenly a summit needs to held?
I smell a hidden agenda here. I do hope I’m reading too much into this, but insisting on sharing is another way of controlling female sexuality. She can’t be sexual without her partner? She has to share all aspects of her sexual expression with her spouse? Seriously? :dubious:
I’m stunned that in this day and age, such concerns even come up. People masturbate, men, women, single, married, everyone. That’s the end of it. There’s nothing to worry or wonder about. I’d say, don’t bring it up at all, unless you are bringing it up for the purpose of incorporating masturbation into your joint sex life. Certainly don’t bring up any worries about frustration or the like.
I dunno about you, but I’m allowed and encouraged to go to strip clubs and possess porn, but my wife still likes to know about it in a general sense (I have porn, “Hon, I’m out to the End Zone with the guys, back in a few hours”). It’s hard to say what I’d call the distinction, but there’s a difference in this context between having your privacy and having secrets, if that makes any sense.
As for “controlling … sexuality”, would you say the same if my wife’s response to me going to a strip club is “take me with you” every single time? Sometimes, you ask about it or to be included because you want to share something, not because you want to keep it under wraps. The OP has already indicated that his primary interest is in making sure their mutual sex life is sufficiently satisfying for her.
This could be it. Maybe she just senses you wouldn’t be into it, or is afraid you’d react negatively (making her feel bad for using a vibrator at all, in addition to wanting to use it during sex). If like most women she can’t reach orgasm through penetration alone and isn’t orgasming during sex (through you, or by finishing herself off) it may be because she can’t at all, or is used to the vibrator. Not a huge deal. Some women will never orgasm without one, some becom,e for lack of a better term, ‘lazy’ (the same way some guys get desensitized masturbating with what Dan Savage calls the ‘death grip,’ or the way most people couldn’t live without a remote control for the TV).
Or as others have said it was a gag gift. Which, considering the circumstances, really doesn’t seem so farfetched.
