As a husband and provider, I get to make plenty of decisions for myself. I do not get to make decisions that affect both of us unilaterally. If I found myself in a situation where my work is systematically eroding my mental health and my private life, my wife would expect me to resolve the problem in an active way and not allow it to sabotage our home life.
Low expectations of one’s spouse in these kinds of situations is just as infantilizing as trying to solve the problem for her.
If she wants to, she can challenge the guy to a knife fight. A husband should be there to suggest that an alternative solution is available.
The whole point is that you’re not forced to handle it alone, you have someone who’s willing to go to bat for you. In this case, a person with workplace harassment experience is willing to help the person being harassed in the workplace. Seems to me that I would have mentioned it the very first time it happened, trusting that my beloved wasn’t going to jump the guy with a tire iron, and would offer constructive advice instead.
This may be a really big underlying issue for her. Maybe she wants to try to handle it on her own, mistakes and all. Maybe this has been a problem for her all her life (standing up for herself) and she has to come to the answer in her own way. She needs to be allowed to work it out for herself.
I haven’t read the whole thread, but is the asshole supervisor married?
His wife might be interested to know that her husband is sexually harassing an employee.
A slightly less malevolent route would be to have extremely explicit man-on man (or man-on-man-on-man) porn mags sent anonymously to his home…with an accompanying note encouraging him to use them for inspiration in his own bedroom.
**ivylass ** and nashiitashii both said it far better than I could. emilyforce also has some very good points. That’s my perspective, given that I’m a woman who could very clearly picture herself in a situation like that (being intimidated and unsure of how to deal with it and annoyed at myself because of my own insecurities.) It’s this stupid little voice in my head that says if I don’t deal with it all on my own then I will be acting like a weak child. In the past few years, I’ve gotten far better at letting myself ask for help when I need it and at realizing that if someone thinks I’m weak willed for asking for help, then that person is an idiot. Even if that person is me.
I kind of have a weird outlook on things though. If your wife is like me, (generally timid, tends to avoid conflict, really wishes she didn’t do that, and is trying to get herself to stop it) I really think you should consider those three posters’ opinions.
*On the other hand, *if she’s just shocked but will soon begin assembling evidence to slap the bastard with, well, DianaG and **OtakuLoki ** are probably on the money. Step back and let her do it, in that case. You know your wife best.
I would at least encourage her to document everything, and depending on the laws of your state, record incidents with a hidden tape recorder. If she seems reluctant, tell her to read some of the judgments on this website.
You might have an important decision to make once she decides to approach it that way. Should you go to the Bahamas or to Europe with some of the settlement money?
I’m not going to presume to try and interpret your relationship with your husband. But here’s the opposite point of view. In the past, I have had friends (male and/or female) who would talk about their problems but were not interested in advice about it. Sometimes I would be mentally rolling my eyes, thinking that if you don’t want to do anything to solve the issue, please stop complaining about it.
To the OP - you shouldn’t go over to your wife’s office and lodge the complaint for her. She’s an adult (I presume) and should handle her work situation herself. What I would be trying to help her figure out is, why is she afraid to lodge a complaint with HR, why she prefers to go sit and cry in her car instead of confronting sexual harassment at work, and, if she is unable to deal with it, why she should keep on working there. Of course, if she insists on shutting you out and telling you that it’s none of your business, then that is her privilege too.
I’ll just add my voice to those who have said you should do something about it. First give her a couple of weeks of advice and hope she decides to deal with it herself. If she doesn’t then somebody has to stop the situation. She’s crying in her car every day for God’s sake. That is not a symptom of dealing with it, it’s a symptom of needing help.
p.s. I’m female and normally would not want someone to solve my problems for me, just so you know where I’m coming from. But if I were in her situation, then after it’s all over, retrospectively, I would be very thankful that you stepped in and helped.
She just sounds totally traumatized and unable to make a rational decision at this time.
Where, exactly, would you draw the line? Repeated unwanted invitations for sex?Unwanted physical contact? Unwanted intimate physical contact? Guess what the next one is…
I think it’s pretty clear from the OP that this has been going on for some time. Several months, perhaps. It should be equally clear, then, that his wife’s way of “dealing with it by herself” is to do what she was already doing - sit in her car and cry.
Call an employment lawyer. Make an appointment for a consultation. Beg wife to attend so she at least understands her rights.
Reevaluate afterward. (the initial consult should be free, incidentally)
Sigh. Not okay, just not in the same league as assault.
FTR, I’m not saying that Mrs. Skald is handling this situation particularly well. I’d certainly handle it differently. What I **am ** saying is that it’s *her * situation to handle, however *she * sees fit.
I encourage **Skald ** to let her know what he would do, and what she *can * do. And then leave it alone. Because the idea that anyone’s spouse should interfere in their professional life is baffling to me.
Well, if the big line separating unwanted invitations for sex and unwanted physical contact includes fucking, then yes, it does seem hard to me (hard to understand is what I mean!)
He doesn’t mention physical contact nor crying in her car every day. DianaG isn’t suggesting letting it go rather supporting the wife in what she decides (correct me if I’m wrong).
Again you draw these hypothetical bright lines, and refuse to consider that these things often play out in the real world in very slippery slope fashion. People who harass women don’t usually go from double entendres and risque emails or dropped porn to grabbing their breasts and bending them over the desk. A too close brush against her breasts in the hallway, a casual un-asked for shoulder massage rub, coming up behind a woman and getting way too close to her backside, invading her personal space when the opportunity presents itself. Where’s the specific point at which you’re going to cry “Assault! Assault!” without you looking like a hysterical ass hat?
Men with any common sense know how a predatory oaf like this operates, and that’s why the emphasis (from husbands and male SO’s) is on nipping it in the bud ASAP. Women who adopt the attitude that “It’s not a real problem until he actually comes after me” are being complicit in their continued harassment.
Finally, and I say this to you and everyone else who keeps saying , “It’s HER problem not her husband’s, so he needs to back off!” If a man knows his wife is being emotionally terrorized it IS his problem on a very fundamental level. Men and women may be wired differently, but very few men who love their wives and SOs are going to listen to a tale of physical or emotional intimidation of their spouses without getting geared up to do something about it. Winding them up with tales of your mistreatment, and then telling them via words or actions, that you intend to do virtually nothing about the problem is an impossible situation for a man to be in.