betenoir, I’m pretty well-known around here as a very happily married polyamorous woman in an open marriage. I’m really, really not writing this from a shocked, puritanical monogamy agendaed point-of-view. I’m offering what advice I can with a little background knowledge of this particular relationship. (Only a little, and of course only from Roland’s point of view, but enough to give me grave misgivings in this particular case.)
But if you’re hot and in Chicago and have a penchant for pregnant chicks, give me a call!
Have you considered presenting this question to a sex therapist? Is that something your wife would agree to?
Personally, a swing club doesn’t sound like a good idea if you already have marital problems. It doesn’t sound like you trust your wife a lot, and knowing for certain that she’s fucking another guy, perhaps even watching, is not going to increase the amount of trust you have in her.
While I’ve never done such a thing myself, it sounds like you have to already be very secure in your relationship with your spouse before you can embark on such a, er, quest with any amount of confidence.
Also, as previously mentioned, changing the rules in the middle is usually only fair to one player.
Since everyone else is offering advice, and I’ve actually participated in some socials, I’ll chime in for all to consider.
The club events I’ve attended all started with a mandatory orientation for new members. It is stressed repeatedly that participating will NOT save a dying marriage (or help a marriage that is in trouble). If you aren’t in a rock solid relationship, with open and totally frank lines of communication, you should not participate. It adds a whole new dynamic at a time when the underlying dynamic is sufferig. This isn’t a good mix.
As for what to expect (if you do go), here’s a few observations:
First Rule - “No, thanks” means “No, thanks.” Don’t make a pest of yourself. If anyone’s interested, you won’t be able to miss the signal.
Don’t expect Barbie and Ken. All kinds will be present. Some are great, some are gross.
Second Rule - “No” still means “No.”
You don’t have to participate if you’re uncomfortable. There will probably be food, drinks, and dancing. Just have a good time without taking any further steps if that’s what you feel most comfortable doing. If you do decide to go a few further steps, you can always stop. No harm, no foul.
Third Rule - “No” still means “No.”
The whole scene isn’t something we choose to participate in on a regular basis; however, it is one little bit of our life together and we see these times as more of a treat to be experienced only once in a while.
I didn’t mean it did, although I did miss a comma. Let me spell it out more accurately.
I’m really, really not writing this from a shocked point-of-view.
-and-
I’m really, really not writing this from a puritanical point-of-view.
-and-
I’m really, really not writing this from a monogamy agendaed point-of-view.
Believe me, I’ve met puritanical polyamorists. Interesting bunch.
Well I guess that wasn’t really directed at you. Just at people coming here to say nothing more than “what a horrible idea” rather than answering the “what can I expect” question.
That said, if he’s having problems in his marriage, then yeah, I’d agree it’s not a good idea.
And, sorry, I only qualify for one of those things (I hope :D).
Given the rocky state of the relationship (if I’m recalling correctly), am I the only one who thinks this might be a set-up by the wife for a no-fault divorce or improved settlement later on? A lot of other indiscretions (hers) that may come out aren’t going to look so bad in light of both members sleeping around willingly and publicly. Count me in with those who have nothing against swinging, but this seems like a bad idea in all respects and I’d be damn suspicious of the woman who wants to divorce me suddenly deciding we should start having sex with other people.
Whoa, I think much of the analysis is way to sophisticated for our situation. Basically, she has several female friends from school who are somewhat shall we say “liberated”. Their boyfriends have been trying to convince them to go to swing clubs and they think it would be cool if we went. I can guarentee it’s not a “set up” for a divorse (if you read other threads you will learn that we are not even legally married in Indiana although we have a four year old son). Besides, she tells me straight up that she finds sex with me nothing more than mutual masturbation for the most part (there are exceptions such as the last couple of months where we seem to have done much better in our relationship). Since she will be working at the hospital at her new job with these “friends” I fear that if I say no that she will simply go without telling me (probably not on her own, but with significant prodding on their part). I am inclined to give her whatever she thinks she wants when it comes to sex since the current situation of “getting some” about once a month isn’t optimal in my opinion. Counseling in not an option right now since we are both full time students (nursing although she has her RN and finishing her BSN) and work full time.
I have a good bit of experience in the lifestyle. plnnr has provided a good answer to the actual question (what to expect).
Some others have offered sound advice, namely that if your relationship is not on solid ground, stay the hell away from swinging.
In particular, if one of you wants to do it, and the other simply goes along to placate, you will encounter problems. (This has never happened to me personally – although I have swung with girlfriends, most of my experience has been as a single male, and I have seen a few couples who had problems of this nature).
I would also like to add that the public’s perception about swinging is wildly inaccurate – where people lack knowledge, they assume the worst.
It’s often a loving, supportive relationship that’s different from yours. Marriage does not always equal monogomy any more than expensive equals good wine.
Have you thought about how you’re going to feel if she ends up having sex with someone and you don’t? Based on plnnr’s post (and other past threads on swinging), one of the common themes seems to be “don’t assume”. So don’t assume you’ll both have equal opportunities to play. What if you don’t find anyone you want to have sex with or who wants to have sex with you, and your wife has wild screaming sex with some hot guy? Are you ready to deal with that?
And what about what you want? If she’s really that uninterested in your needs and willing to persue her own, possibly behind your back…well Dan Savage would say “Kick her to the curb”. Not because sex is the most important thing in the world (well, I think it is, but I’m willing to entertain other world views :)) but because she’s being inconsiderate and unloving.
You definately need to work on your own sex life before you bring anyone else into it. This is right up there with “Let’s have a baby” with bad ideas for saving a relationship.
There appears to be a wide-spread belief that swinging can lead to divorce. While I have no doubt there’s a correlation between swinging and later getting a divorce, correlation does not necessarily equal causation. I suspect there’s a third variable that causes couples to want to swing and causes them to get divorced.
For the folks with experience at swing clubs, are they for couples only, or are single men allowed? If they are, what is their experience typically like?
