Mysteries of Life

MoL #1: Why is it a good thing that breakfast cereals “stay crispy in milk”? If the point of pouring milk over the cereal isn’t to soften it up and make it easier to chew, then what is the point?

There’s a simple reason for pouring milk into cereals. When you’re done eating the cereal, there are several spoonfuls of milk left that have accumulated an incredible density of sugar. Consequently, they are very sweet.

Needless to say, this only works if the cereal in question in frosted flakes.

Okay, but what about adding milk to Kellogg’s All-Natural Bales O’Hay? People do that, too, but they don’t seem to want to soften up the cereal. Is it because the milk is the only component that has any flavor at all?

MoL #2: Why are the titles on the spines of books written from top to bottom in some languages (like English) and from bottom to top in others (like Spanish)?

(Hey, boys and girls! Feel free to add your mysteries of life! Best mystery wins a year’s supply of lutefisk!)

Yeah! Why is that? My Swedish books, and my English books look really nice in my bookshelf, but the French books just mess up the system. You’d think that when you put a book face up on a table, you’d be able to read the back of it without standing on your head, but nooooo. The French just have to be different.

MoL#3. Why do some people even eat lutefisk? It’s nasty. And vile. And disgusting.

It’s the magical combination. If it were merely nasty and vile, or vile and disgusting, or nasty and disgusting, no sane person would touch it. But when you put them all together, it’s a party for your tastebuds!

BTW, be sure you eat it in that order. Unpredictable results could occur if you eat the disgusting part first.

MOL #4. Why do dogs mark their territory?

I have never in my life seen a dog actually respect the territory that another dog had marked. You can take The biggest meanest Rottweilier and let it mark its territory. Five minutes later if you bring some pathetic little rat-dog in, it will remark it for itself. It seems like a pointless exercise, plus it’s gotta be a pain to interrupt a good piss just to walk to the other corner of the yard.

MoL#5: Why do we park in driveways and park in {WHAM!}

Ow, Jesus! Who threw the brick?

MoL #6: opposite sex

Alright, “Jack Batty - Mysteries of Life skit”, take 2.

Let’s try to get it right this time, people. Time is money.

MoL#5: Why do we park in driveways and drive in {WHAM!}

Ow, Jesus! Who threw the brick?

Cut. Print it. That’s a wrap.

In every advertisement I’ve ever seen, breakfast cereals trumpet the fact that one is better than another because it has 100% of the RDA of 187 different vitamins and minerals. The person listening to this spiel never fails to be impressed and immediately switch to the cereal in question.

Why is this necessary? Do these people not eat anything else all day long, that their cereal necessitates having 100% of the RDA of every known vitamin and mineral? Have the cereal manufacturers perfected the perfect people-kibble?

I don’t know, but if all I ate all day was a soggy bowl of wheat globs, life would truly suck!

Yes. It is scheduled to hit the market next week. It’s called Soylent Green…