Shakes, thanks for a good (and realistic!) contribution! It was a great idea as to give me a reminder of exactly what I’ve been through with completely normal cats experiencing this Hell On Earth (at least for them). Somehow explaining to the cats that this “was for their own good” never seemed to have the desired effect.
Thanks for such a good laugh at a time it was sorely needed!
Jeff Lichtman, thanks for taking the time for such a good suggestion. For the longest time I thought if Bessie the Cat was so comfortable and safe flat on her back in my bed in that super-vunerable posture,I could translate to the sofa. Even though I covered up with her favorite fake sheepskin, and even a top sheet from my bed which should imitate safe-bedroom scents, she would have no part of it. There was even plenty of room the sofa! In any case, I appreciate you giving it your though and taking the time to post it.
Another older cat adopter here! We were told our cat was extremely quiet and nervous. We now have an extremely vocal cat that’s constantly bouncing around indoors or off on huge outdoor adventures. I’m thinking it may have been because the foster family had children, and our cat wasn’t used to them (she had been owned by an elderly lady who passed). I’m guessing the lady talked to her a lot, because she is very good at the back and forth of conversing (although she does insist on having the last word every time).
P.S. There isn’t a Gordon Shumway in your house, is there? 
Gordon Schumway!!! No, Ol’ Gordon seems to have moved on. How kind of you to ask!
My Bessie is becoming rather vocal, and yes it seems her vocalizations seem pretty conversation with our back and forth discussions. When it is time for dinner, or a romp with the cat dancer toy, she’ll sit on the floor just out of reach and vocalize. In my experience I’ve found that an older a cat gets the more vocal they become. No cites, but just the experience of some friends and me. Bessie the Cat still would GREATLY prefer not to be touched unless she initiates it, and refuses to be picked up. I just follow her lead and try to be responsive.
And again, thanks for remembering Gordon. I thought I just might get away with my handle here.
Kudos to you.
Last time I adopted from a shelter there were two older sisters that had apparently been there for a long time. Made my choice easy, I adopted them both.
Turns out they hated each other, took different ends of the house avoiding each other at all costs.
There’s a story that relates to yours, one of the two cats did not like me at all (she was nervous of everyone, but she got on well enough with my partner who lavished affection on her, so I didn’t mind). We figured that she didn’t like men, and maybe had been mistreated previously.
A long time passed (more than a year), and my partner had to take a business trip. Sleeping alone in bed on the second night, out of nowhere she jumped onto the bed and lay beside me, she let me stroke her and purred contentedly like it was all completely normal.
From then on we were friends.
So just be patient, cats are weird – they like things their way – sometimes it just takes time.
I want to take this opportunity to sincerely thank all the kind Dopers who have taken the time to respond to this thread. This is the first thread I’ve ever started, and the kind, information, funny responses I’ve received have shown me the best the Dope has to offer. I was a long time reader of The Chicago Reader, the one of the best ways to stay in touch with what was happening in Chicao. Of course the first thing I’d read was Cecil’s Straight Dope, followed by Lynda Barry and Life in Hell. I finally registered here in 2009, but never posted until now. I lurked on these message boards for so long I could probably be booked for stalking. I finally posted this week with a small post in another thread, but somehow gathered the courage to start My Very Own Thread to ask for assistance in supporting Bessie the Cat. I want to thank all the Dopers who have contributed to this thread, and for the helpful, non-snark, very funny and creative posts. Please know I can snark at probably a B+ / A- level, and if properly informed on a book or political topic, hopefully cite (almost) with the best of them. I hope to be a good contributor in Fighting Ignorance. You folks are the best (with a few notable flaming verbose dipshits).
My cat Pandora was like this as a kitten. A 3# bundle of fur trying to be a tough, scary hissy girl when awake, but when I went to bed she would come and sleep next to me, with her tummy showing. More than once I woke up giving her a tummy scritch, or with my hand on her tummy and her paws wrapped around my arm.
Fast-forward two years and Pandora’s become velcroed to me. When I work from home, she sits behind the monitors and supervises. She is on me every time I sit down. Honestly, she’s a pest (and I love it!).
I think your kitty will come around and second the idea of giving treats when you’re both on the couch.
You never know what they’ll pick up and keep long-term with regards to behaviors. My two guys run away from me every time they see me wearing shoes in the house, due to a couple of unfortunate tail-related incidents when they were kittens. If I’m barefoot, they have no problem hanging out with me. As others have said, it’s likely that bedtime snuggles were a major thing with the previous family, and the cat is just set in its ways now.
Yes, this is a common problem. There’s one cute little black cat at PetSmart near me that has been there about a month now. She reminds me of a cat I had a few years back. If I didn’t already have three in the house, I’d take her home. I actually had one of my guys with me at PetSmart last week (dropped in on the way home from a visit with a Specialist Vet), and she perked up quite a bit when she saw him in his carrier, so I think she’d get along with at least one of my boys…
2 black cats out of our 8. Also one 100+ pound dawg. Hysterical when one tries to sneak some of his food.
He knows he is not allowed to hurt or eat them but other than that, he is free to protect his food. Growl, bark, charge, all allowed.
We can take his treats back out of his mouth if he has not swallowed them. Pretty cool dawg.
Each cat is different. We have a lot of things we do & don’t do depending on witch cat is being wrangled.
Yep. Laying down you’re hwaaaay less scary than standing up. Some bad human kicked her or something and she’s scared but she wants affection. She will come around bit by bit, but she may always be skittish if you approach her quickly while on your feet.
Good on you for adopting and for adopting a older cat.
(Bolding mine.) This what keeps coming to my mind: In Bessie’s past, it was okay/safe for her to get on the bed but not okay/not safe to get on the sofa. (This doesn’t explain why she’s run out the of the bedroom when you walk in, though.)
As for rescued cats, time is everything. I had my beautiful rescue cat for over two years before she finally, out of the blue, curled up in my lap and went to sleep. She’d sleep on the bed, next to my pillow. She’d greet me happily each morning and whenever I came through the door, but she would not get in my lap. No way. No how. Then, one day, something in her changed – wasn’t me or the chair or the blanket, that’s for sure!
Be patient. You’re a good cat mom and are on the right track.
Oh, GrumpyBunny, your post gives me hope! I’m going to continue with the soft speech, slow movement, no crowding and treat-giving for as long as it takes. If it eventually pays off, hurrah! If not, oh well. I’m definitely letting Bessie lead the way.
Horatius, the shoe thing had definitely crossed my mind. I’ve started only wearing socks (and clothes!) as soon as Bessie starting showing fearfulness but so far it hasn’t seemed to help. Please keep the suggestions coming!
You are so right - each cat is different. When I was growing up we had a large dog and a small black cat. Who was in charge? Little black cat, no question!
Thanks for your support. I’m so careful not to rush her! She obviously does want affection as she shows when she jumps into bed with me, but very seldom lets me pet her on the couch (and skitters away pretty quickly). I’m NOT getting frustrated and continue to follow her lead.
I really think you’re right. It may take a good long time before Bessie is comfortable enough to truly let her guard down. I’m certainly willing to wait, and even if it never happens, I’ll deal. She’s my little skittish sweetie no matter what!
Wait until winter, turn down the heat, and I bet the cat jumps in your lap. It certainly works with mine 
Oh Lord - How funny! I’ll (temporarily) skip replacing the heated cat bed I tossed earlier. I threw out all my cat paraphanalia after my darling 21 year old cat died earlier this year, as at that point I couldn’t imagine ever loving a cat again. It seems harsh . . .
If you ignore her in the living room, one day she’ll be up checking things out. It might not take a long time, but you never know. What a cat does today might totally change tomorrow. Lizzy likes to sleep stretched out beside me up against my back. Very relaxed and open. As soon as I wake up, she flies into her hut in the living room. I think she just likes to see if this is a shower, feed the cats, adn leave day or a fart around the house day.
I’ll bet once she decides she knows YOUR behavior (sit on the couch for 30, or up and down, shifting spots, one place, music, no music, etc.), she’ll decide what her’s is. If all else fails, read a book and hold it in front of your face. Never known a cat who could resist jumping up and making you stop that.