I’m hoping like crazy that one of you Astute Dopers can help me with my new cat (sorry no pix, haven’t figured that out yet). It may well just be that “cats is weird.
Six months ago my darling 21-year old cat passed away. I was totally heartbroken as he was just goofy and wonderful and I’d had him since he was a kitten. At that time I was sure I’d never want a cat again and disposed of all cat-related paraphernalia. But – surprise, surprise – two months later I found myself at a local No Kill shelter and adopted a very sweet 14 year old Tuxedo. (Nobody wants to adopt the older gals, and I’ve had great experiences with older cats.) I was warned she was skittish and did not care for kids or other cats. This was perfect as I live alone and the environment is very calm. For the first few days she hid in the closet but eventually stalked through my apartment. I had a nice new cat bed for her in an easy chair which she still uses regularly and a cat condo she initially enjoyed sleeping/hiding in and is now a great scratching post. She would not let me near her. I kept speaking to her in a soft low voice which I hoped would help and I never crowd her. (She eats well and uses her litter box 100%, good girl!) However if I walk across the room (moving slow and smooth, not approaching her at all) she freaked out and hides. I put a fake sheepskin throw on the couch (my normal hangout) which she seems to love, and eventually she would occasionally sleep on the opposite end from me. Very rarely she would hesitatingly approach and let me pet her for a short time. As soon as she indicated she was “done” I stopped and she went back to her end of the couch or to her cat bed on the chair. She does enjoy playing with her cat dancer, and I have a selection of other toys that I rotate to keep her interested.
Now here’s the weird part. Whenever I go to bed, whether for a nap or for all night, she immediately jumps into bed with me. She curls up tight next to my chest (not on it) and rolls on her back for belly and throat rubs, scrubbing her face into the covers and purring. She’ll generally sleep with me all night. On my fairly-common insomnia nights she’ll follow me back into the living room, but stay in her cat bed away from me. However, when I return to bed she’s right back by my side for the belly rubs. If I sleep on the couch she won’t approach me at all, though there’s plenty of room.
Why would such a frightened cat do that? Why would she lay on her back for tummy rubs, which seems so at odds with how standoffish she is otherwise?
If you’ve read through all this you have my sincere thanks. Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. I just want her to know that she’s totally safe here, and that she does not need to be afraid of me.
Cats is weird. For some reason, she associates the bed as a totally safe place. Who knows why?
I once knew a cat that was rescued from outside, so was semi-feral. Couldn’t touch him and barely look at him without him skittering out of the room. Unless you were on one particular wall phone in the kitchen. Pick it up, hold it to your ear, and he would come over and roll around on the floor and let you pet him all over.
Short of dragging the bed into the living room, sounds like your kitty is as comfortable as she’s going to get in the rest of the house. I’ve got one who still won’t stay on the couch or bed with me. He sleeps in each of them comfortably by himself, but when I show up he leaves. After four years, he’s just starting to nap on the end table next to the couch, with his head and shoulders on the arm where he reaches out and touches my shoulder. This just happened in the last six weeks!
Just weirdos, who knows what’s going on in those little walnut brains? Something in their past makes them do wacky stuff to ward off whatever bad things happened to them before they got to us. Your kitty may have had one person who she stayed in their bedroom and always had a safe experience, but had an abuser who hurt her when she was in the rest of the house.
I’ll take a wild guess on this one. Do you have a blanket or something pulled up over you on the bed, but not on the couch? My best approach to making friends with a cat is to crouch down on the balls of my feet. I think I look smaller that way than I do standing up. I wonder if your cat is doing the same thing in a way. In bed, with a blanket over you, you’re just a head and arms. Maybe with the rest of your body hidden you’re small enough not to trigger her stay-away-from-the-big-thing-that-may-want-to-eat-me instinct.
SdT - Thanks so much for your reply. I too am resigned that this may be where our relation ends up, which I can certainly deal with. Weird that if I walk into the bedroom when Bessie the Cat happens to be sleeping on the bed, she’ll still fly out of the bedroom and hide. I too have wondered if she’s had a past of abuse. I’ll give it time and hope for the best. I’m just hoping for any other ideas, or if I’m inadvertently exasperating her fears.
Good for you for adopting an older cat. The stock answer is indeed “cats is weird”. Perhaps the bed situation is the most familiar for her, the most like her previous home/routine and that’s where she can relax the most.
Robot Arm - That’s a good thought about making myself look smaller when approaching her, and I’m definitely going to add that to our routine. Unfortunately when napping on the couch I’m usually covered up but I really appreciate that good insight.
She’s not so weird. My big orange guy Harley wasn’t as scared as your kitty, but he too was much more relaxed when I was lying down than upright. I figured that he desperately wanted the affection, but was scared. At his age he’d learned we’re pretty clunky and slow, and he’d be long gone before I had a chance to do anything horrible to him.
Sure sounds like you’re on the right track. Harley is a big love now.
I’m coming to the realization that the bed truly may be her only safe/comfortable place. But she is at least spending more time in the living room (but at a distance from me).
Please know I really appreciate your kind words about my adoption of an older cat. (I didn’t get much support for that decision from family/friends, and some pretty thoughtless things were said.) You may already know this, but I’ve heard from multiple reliable sources (vets, etc.) that without exception, black cats are actually considered the hardest to get adopted. My assumption is that an unfortunate amount of amazingly ignorant superstition may still be lurking (!!!) or they’re just not considered as “cute” as other cats. I’ve had many absolutely wonderful black cats in my past, yet somehow I haven’t yet had any urge to acquire a cauldron or cast any spells. Folks, if you’re adopting a cat, please consider a black or elderly cat (or hey, an elderly black cat!). They are so overlooked and so deserving
Thanks so much for your hopeful words, Helena! I can sure relate to the relationship between you and Harley! Funny to mention - I always liked Harley as a cat name. (I really like old-fashioned or mainstream human names for cats.) One of my earlier cats was actually named Harley for a couple days before I realized I had a long-deceased uncle by that name and figured that name might not go over too well with the family. I changed his name to Bill before I was discovered. I always secretly thought of him as Harley, though.
You might try, but not if you think it would freak her out too much, stretching out on the couch with a fuzzy blanket over your legs.
I also recommend bribes, er, treats. I used to get small dried fish, but there are all kinds of things she might like. Put them in between you, don’t look at her when she takes them, or grab at her, gradually move them closer to you. Basically, you’re building a positive association between you and the couch and the cat. Be patient. You can also give her a few during cuddle time, so she already knows they’re nummy! (And you won’t grab her)
I think you’re doing a great job. It can take a long time to overcome fear conditioning. It sounds like you’ve already made a lot of progress. Even if she was never abused, prior to her adoption, her recent people experience consisted of people who shoved her in cages, grabbed her, took her in and out of rooms, gave her shots, etc, etc. Some cats do NOT adjust well to kennel/shelter life.
The fact that she wants to be in your general area is a very good sign I think.
I can’t tell you how much better your words of encouragement make me feel. I consider myself a good cat companion and I’ve never had this kind of experience with a cat. Her fear just kills me, and I’m trying to do anything I can think of to make her feel safe. My mantra is not to crowd her and maintain a gentle demeanor with her. You’re right, it will take a lot of time, patience and consistency. Thank you so much for pointing out to me that progress HAS been made, even if it is just baby steps.
You and I are on the sure on the same wavelength. I keep a fake sheepskin on the sofa which she loves (kneeds on it like it is her mama) and I sometimes pull it over my legs but as yet it hasn’t fooled that old smartypants. I also feed her cat treats very close to me on the fake sheepskin in hopes that she’ll makes some happier associations. However she she flees if I try to softly pet her then, so I’ve backed off on that for now. At this point it doesn’t lead to relaxed cuddles but I hope we’re moving slowly towards that milestone. I also occasionally nap with the fake sheepskin over me but she won’t join me.
Again, thanks so much for giving me hope for improvement in quelling her fears. I do realize it has only been four months, and I will definitely continue not crowding her and being consistently soft voiced and patience. As I said before, if this is how how far our relationship is going to go, it is OK. I’ll continue to be patient with her and keep her as comfortable as possible. Still, I hope in the future she’ll be able to relax a bit. Hey, a nice combination of acceptance and optimism may be the best for us.
Yup, cats is weird. I have a cat that is all about my lap…but only when I’m on the couch. She’ll stalk me from the time I get home, and then the instant my butt hit the couch, it’s HOORAY!! LAP!! ILOVESTHELAP!! But let me go lie in bed, and she’s utterly uninterested. I don’t know why my lap is so much more interesting on the couch than in the bed, but there you go. And I’ve had her since kittenhood, so I know it’s nothing to do with any abuse.
I’ll also say that cats can come around, but it can take a loooong time. When I got a dog, one of my cats would NOT come near her. For a year. I had to put a baby gate over the top of the stairs, and move her food and litterbox up there, for fear she’d starve. Then after a year…boom, suddenly, she’s all cool with the dog. Who knows why? I don’t. I’m pretty sure she didn’t really know, either. Just some switch flipped one day in that tiny little brain.
Next time you change your sheets, take the sheet or top blanket into the living and spread it over your legs while she sits on her sheepskin. It will smell like both of you to her, which may make her feel more comfortable. Then the following time, you can wash that sheet and bring in the new one from the bed.
Other than that, she sounds fine. Ignore her and gradually your place will start to smell familiar and cozy to Betsy. Once she can smell herself everywhere, she’ll feel more at home.
How hysterical that you cat worships your lap but gives you the cold shoulder when you are in bed. Bessie couldn’t be more completely opposite. What goes ON in those brains? The fact that your kitty critter took more than a year to modify her behavior with you dog reenforces the timeframe I may well be looking at. I have great patience with
Bessie. No matter what does or doesn’t transpire in the future for us, I’m most definitely in it for the long haul. Thanks so much for giving me hope. “One never knows, do one?”
I had a cat that was an average cat. You could approach him and pet him with out issue.
Except, anytime I was forced to use the cat carrier on him, I knew, when he gets out, that’s an automatic two to three days of hiding under the bed. I would even have to move his food and litterbox into the bedroom for those two days or he wouldn’t use them.
Anyway, despite his two day sulkfest, he would still come out at night when he thought I was asleep and curl up next to me. I could even pet him! But as soon as the sun came up and he realized I was awake, he immediately takes to under the bed again.
So yeah, cats is weird.
You’re suggestion is right on, and I can’t thank you enough for your willingness to offer logical ideas to lessen my sweet Bessie Cats’ fears. Though I hadn’t mentioned previously in this thread, I already placing an unlaundered bed top sheet over my legs on the sofa next to fake sheepskin on the sofa for a couple days. It unfortunately didn’t seem to have affect at all, as she’d never laid on my legs at all. Maybe it wasn’t “fragrant” enough? (Ewww) I thank you for confirming it might have been a good idea. Who knows, I might try it again.
And thank you for taking this less-than-earth shattering problem kindly enough to offer a suggestion. I know it is a pretty small problem in a big world, but it is truly something where I’d like to make a little corner more peaceful.
Harley is a big love now.