It reminds me of “My 600 lb Life” where people are too fat to move, yet huge plates of food always materialize on their laps. “Caretakers” enable the behavior. Why? Many say it’s peace-at-any-cost when these people complain, that it’s just easier to give in.
But caretakers have agendas many times as well. Some feel guilt…like they were the parent who should not have let the child be abused. Some want that person to be dependent on them. Maybe it makes them feel needed or that they have control or that this person CAN’T leave. Maybe it’s tied to the disability check or social security or whatever the money comes from.
Then there’s the cycle of try, fail, despair, really give up…maybe the body gives you a jolt of pain, a warning shot. Try, fail, despair, really give up…
OP your friend needs to show a readiness to walk away and mean it. He may kill himself but she doesn’t have to stick around to watch or help. Professional help is needed.
OP, would pointing your friend in the direction of Al-Anon be of use?
From how this is described, he’s not going to stop drinking until he wants to. And he doesn’t sound like he wants to.
Accordingly, let’s help the caregiver figure out her options. AIUI, Al-Anon can help those caring for an alcoholic loved one identify behaviors of their own that may be counterproductive in treating the alcoholism, as well as helping the caregiver with tips and resources local to them. Hearing about experiences from local people in a similar situation to her, might give her insight into things she can do, and other people she can seek out for assistance. It also might help her understand what the likely progression of events will be in her situation, and help her prepare emotionally and financially for that.
How very sad for both of them. I wish them well. I hope it ends happily, and unfortunately I have experiences in my own family that suggest it won’t.
I’m 62, have controlled hypertension, a history of cardiovascular disease treated successfully with a stent. When I had the angiogram that led to the stent, I was clear with the cardiologist that I would not consent to a thoracotomy for bypass if my situation could not be improved with one or more stents. He thought my decision was wrong, but agreed to treat me. I never thought I’d live this long!
There’s also the philosophical idea that a person’s decisions should be respected, even if someone else thinks the decision is wrong. I’ve bought a beer for a guy who was drinking himself to death. If instead of wanting a beer, he’d asked for help stopping drinking, I’d have helped him with that.
Why did you put that link in your post?
Are you saying that you believe that most patients that have surgery and are put on a ventilator don’t survive? Because, that’s clearly not true.
For what it’s worth, he’s probably resistant to hospitalization because that would cut off his access to alcohol and there’s not going to be any getting around it.
I saw stuff like this all the time when I was active in cancer support groups and the effect of serious illness on an already dysfunctional family dynamic is unpredictable and often heartbreaking.
I think I would advise her to leave for a little while. I know it may not be logistically possible these days - but in other times I would recommend that she go to a hotel or stay with a friend.
Her husband is an adult, as long as he has a phone he can take responsibility for himself if he wants. If he doesn’t, it’s on him.
If she can’t physically leave, she needs to get as far away as she can mentally and emotionally. Walk away. Hole up in a part of the house as far away from him as she can and order a pizza and watch movies or chat with friends or do something else that she enjoys. Her constant concern isn’t going to make it more likely that he will seek help, and it may make it less likely.
Sick people can frequently hijack the emotional lives of their friends and family, causing all sorts of guilt and angst. She needs to think about herself first.
I read it as the person is dying from alcoholism and its attendant effects. Depending on how significant the liver damage is, the husband may be encelopathic and thus not capable of making medical decisions for himself. I would be surprised if any physician felt comfortable making that kind of call over the phone or by description by the wife. Calling 9-1-1 may be the best option if they want him to be evaluated by medical professionals.
I 100% respect and support your decision. And if you were dying of something other than COVID, dying at home would be feasible, as you wouldn’t be endangering your girlfriend, who I assume would be caring for you. You could also get assistance from hospice.
But what are your plans for your girlfriend’s safety if you get COVID? I understand why you wouldn’t want to go to the hospital, but I hope you realize you can refuse to allow the hospital to intubate, place a feeding tube, etc… My brother-in-law is dying of COVID and dementia as I write this. He’s in a hospital with an IV (because death by dehydration can be awful) and is getting comfort measures only. He and my sister wrote out living wills years ago, and nobody is pushing her to intubate or anything else.
Even more important to me, he’s not endangering my sister, who’d otherwise have been exposed to pretty serious viral loads, even with PPE. I’m wondering how you’re planning to address this issue if you do get COVID (and I hope you don’t).
Difficulty breathing may be a symptom of COVID19, but not that other stuff. From my reading of the OP I was under the impression that “Has all kinds of things wrong” was related to alcoholism or basically not giving a shit about life anymore. Nowhere was COVID even mentioned, and I don’t think all those symptoms point to the virus, especially the elderly like you said. At least not in any lists I can find.
Excellent question, I’ve been pondering it of late. Not to be morbid, but I have what I need to accelerate the end of life process. If I reach the point where, ideally, hospitalization would occur, that’s my endpoint. Hopefully that’s not necessary.
Sorry your BIL is going through this.
As far as doctors/hospitals respecting a patient’s wishes, I’ve seen too many situations where this didn’t happen.
Yeah, if he’s an alcoholic who is no longer eating, he is likely hypoproteinemic, which can cause fluid to accumulate in the chest and abdomen. More info is needed.
Well, it’s all over for my friend. She called an ambulance yesterday afternoon and he passed away peacefully in the hospital early this morning. Multiple organ failure, high acid and ammonia in the blood, sky high blood pressure. Nothing to do with the virus AFAIK. She says he drank himself to death just like his father did.