I’m not sure how to approach this really, but I really need to vent some shit, and, frankly, I need someone to talk to. As I work at Wal Mart, and really can’t afford therapy at this point in time, I’ll vent to a large group of random strangers. Really, pay attention to the warning. This will mean nothing to anyone, but myself. I just need to get off of my chest. I dare say it will bore you.
Yeah so, as of two weeks ago, my life was going smashingly. I mean, it was great. I had a job I liked, I had just gotten a promotion, I was in the best shape of my life, and as a result, I was finally starting too feel good about myself, for the first time in my life. It couldn’t have gotten any better.
And then I met her. I’ll call her T. It’s not her name, not even close, but it’ll do. Since then, my life has spiraled downward into at a rate I never though possible. I’m becoming a gambling addict and I’ve started drinking again. I never really gave it up, but I was okay. I drank socially, or to have a good time. Now I drink to cope. That’s not so good. The gambling? Again, it’s not bad now, but I can already see it getting out of hand.
Now why is this happening? Apparently I have a far of dying alone. Who doesn’t right? I also have a fear of intimacy . It make for quite the conflict. Specifically, I don’t want to let anyone get close, lest I get hurt. I know that this is the wrong what to think, but I can’t break it. I’ve spent the last 23 of my 24 years pushing people away, and now it’s not so easy to let them in.
At the same time, we have a friends with benefits type thing going on. She has problems of her own, and she doesn’t want a relationship, and hell, neither do I, as I have a ton of stuff to work through before I can have anything resembling functionality. We’re basically friends with benefits. Should be the perfect solution, but it’s not helping really.
Basically, my last two weeks have been filled with fear and anxiety attacks, and it’s starting to get me down. There is more going on, but I’m too tired to type it out right now. I just needed to wallow in some self pity. Thanks if you made it this far in my disjointed ramblings. If anyone wants to talk, my MSN is in my profile. I’m confused and angry, and I have no idea what to do. I know things will get better with time, I’m just not sure when.
Gah. I think that I’ll just become a monk, and live in a cave in the woods. I sound like such a whiner.
If you made it this far, thanks. This horribly disjointed mess is pretty much indicative of my whole though process right now. It’s all over the place