She also hasn’t actually taken out $100k in loans already, that’s just the number the OP is anticipating. She might end up not even going to grad school. I’ve known plenty of people who talked about going to grad school but in the end decided it wasn’t what they wanted to do. It was just one of a few different options they were considering for the next step in their life. Talking about it was part of the process of sorting things out.
So yeah, I don’t think it’s fair to nitpick her choices if you haven’t really talked to her about them. Or better said, it’s not going to help the relationship, if you want this relationship to continue.
Overall this whole relationship doesn’t sound serious. I think it’s a bit premature to start thinking of “building a life together”. Just ride out the wave you’re on, enjoying the sex and each others’ company. Then, when the time comes and she has to move away, let it happen.
If she’s obsessed with commitment this early on, and says something about it, you need to address it as well. But even broaching the subject and bringing up the debt sounds like it will ruin what is a perfectly good relationship as is.
How about getting married, then a few months later find out your husband owes over $100,000 to the IRS for a business he used to run and sort of forgot to tell you about never paying the taxes on it, and now you owe it… and you’re pregnant and had planned on buying a house with him but his credit score is SHOT and you can’t? And then you find out about thousands of dollars on credit cards from his previous marriage that were never paid, and now you’re stuck with them?
You’re on the right track here, buddy. I’m still with my husband of 8 years and we’re digging out of this mess, it’s been a LONG road. Beware of the debt monster. At least she’s being forthright with you. Money issues are HELL in a marriage. (ok, some trust issues here too).
It sounds to me like you should move on. That’s a boatload of debt, and hints of irresponsibility, on top of you not sounding too madly in love anyway. I expect it to get much worse if you stay. People who don’t owe six digits when they enter the job market often wind up getting themselves into trouble with credit cards or worse; the possibilities look much scarier still with a start like this.
Which may also just be part of the problem - the age difference and maturity difference between still in college and eight years older is often (not always) the difference between a bundle of potential tracks and whatever reality you settle into. Which communication can help, but honestly…he doesn’t sound that into her. Or he sounds like he wants to parent her (cut her loose with a stern warning about that much debt - if he’s going to cut her loose, why is her debt his business).
Frankly he sounds like he believes she is immature and is patronizing her. That isn’t a foundation for a relationship. I think she sounds sort of immature, but only because I’m 45 - she sounds realistic for being 22.
That’s what the internet is for. Telling you that “well, have you considered that maybe you are being a douche.” Good luck.
I will say that I had many doubts about my first marriage.
I have never really truly had anything that made me question my husband of fifteen years from the day we started dating. We’ve had differences, fights and “I just can’t stand you right now.” But I’ve never questioned if we should be together. And it isn’t like I married a guy who was perfect or red flag-less - when we started dating he was in financial deep doo doo, had recently dumped a girl three months before the wedding, and a ton of other stuff that objectively should have been “what are you thinking!”
Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, skip the lecture. If you break up don’t make it about how her choices have failed you, or about how if only she was more responsible you’d be together.
I wonder why the money concerns you. You say she will most likely have to relocate to find work in her field, and you won’t go with her.
Are you reconsidering that? Do you want to make long term plans with her? I’m not getting that sense from your OP. I don’t see any point to engaging her about any of this stuff unless you are willing to make your own commitment to her.
That’s kind of a tough call - people go into relationships not expecting it to get serious, but humans have a way of bonding with the people they spend time with, and before you know it, that fun relationship has turned serious. Then you’re in too deep with someone you really don’t have a future with, and it ends in tears and acrimonious accusations.
And sometimes fun relationships are just fun and they end naturally when they’re supposed to.
Advice like that explains a 50% divorce rate. Love is great, but you still have to pay the bills. Ignoring incompatibilities because of love is asking for trouble.
Mind you, I’m not a believer in one true love - I believe in a spectrum of compatibility, and there are many people that are right for everyone.
The money concerns me because these are such uncertain times, and a huge debt load can be a real trap. Almost to the point of life-and-death really. And I might like to go back to school myself, or start a business or something. My options could be wiped out if I get saddled with someone else’s debt.
The moving is probably a bigger deal though (especially considering the debt forgiveness program, if it can survive the Pubs takeover of the govt that is). I have lived in places I absolutely hated. I really love where I am now, and probably any move would be to someplace I would consider ‘worse’. And I’d be hard-pressed to find such a good job anywhere else. Without the opportunity to save up first and put myself through school-a smarter way to go about it IMHO- I could end up pretty screwed in another location.
Do I want to make long-term plans? Well, this thread is focused on the negatives, so you all are probably getting a much more douchey picture of me than the full reality. But I am seriously questioning if it would be worth it. I am very afraid that getting deep into this relationship would mean sacrificing everything I have worked to accomplish, after I have already sacrificed so much and worked so goddamn fucking hard just to achieve this very modest success I now enjoy. Part of my motive for working so hard is so that I can be a helpful and supportive partner in a relationship. If the conditions of the relationship are a big wrecking ball, it kind of screws that up too.
I feel like to make it work I would have to impose heavy conditions on her. But look at this thread- I am very sympathetic about how that would make her feel.
Well… I would start to feel like a womanizer if I approached it that way. And I have broken up with marriage-minded women before after hanging on for, I suppose, too long. In more than one case they were pissed that I had ‘wasted their time’. I guess the biological clock is ticking, or they just don’t want to mess around. So, I developed a sort of concept of ‘respectful’ dating, where I try not to fool around if the prospect of an LTR is strictly off the table.
I disagree that you would have to impose “heavy conditions” on her.
What I think you need to do is keep your finances separate. In my mind that is more about putting conditions on yourself rather than her. She already has whatever debt she has, and she will have whatever additional debt she will accrue. Nothing will change fo her, financially, unless you step in and take on part of that burden.
Impose sanctions. Cut off commerce. Tell her she must end her program of irresponsibility or else you will permanently cut ties from her and the rest of the community shall know the same.
Wait, what?
What kind of grad program and career is she planning? I can’t imagine doing a grad program that would prevent you from gaining the experience that you need to put it to use.
Very true - I’ve certainly been in the situation where I got more serious than I’d anticipated. But it sounds like the OP isn’t “there” yet, plus is really happy with his current situation. Why not ride it out instead of fretting about commitment? It also sounds like the OP has dug himself out of debt before and doesn’t want to deal with the situation again, and feels like warning her.
See, to me, if this was the person you found yourself most compatible with, you wouldn’t worry about moving or starting over, etc. We call these things signs ;).
A womanizer? What are you, dating multiple women at the same time? You’re just trying to enjoy yourself! And you’re not being dishonest either, you sound like a pretty good guy. Don’t let crazy womens’ biological clocks (which is code for “I want to settle before my crazy starts to show and so I can get off this damned diet”) force your hand. You are under no obligation to get serious if you don’t want to get serious, just because she is.
Boyo Jim, it’s easy to say “keep finances separate” but if she’s going to school, he’d be doing the monetary heavy lifting. Plus it fails in practice - I’ve seen many live-in relationships fail and one party screwed over because they swore to keep finances separate but never managed to as time went on.
There are lots of couples, even married ones, who keep finances separate. This is not putting any “demands” or “restrictions” on her that she wouldn’t have in his absence.
The OP says he is concerned about having to put too many demands on her, presumably because of her financial situation. This is probably true – IF they co-mingle their finances. If they don’t, then living within her means is her issue, not both of their issues.
