You’re under no obligation to get serious, but I think you do have an ethical obligation to let her know what you are thinking regarding the future of the relationship. If you want to just have fun, and she is looking to get married, you are wasting her time. Pooh-pooh it all you want, but the biological clock is real and a woman who wants to have kids in a relationship does need to start thinking seriously about that at some point. Some women can’t afford to “just have fun” if they want kids as well.
The other thing that happens is that many women will listen to you say “I’m in this for a good time, but don’t see you as my life partner” and append “yet” onto this.
If her goals really are marriage and kids and yours aren’t (or not with her) and she takes the whole “its a good time” speech in stride - chances are good she’s convinced you’ll become so attached you’ll change your mind. Heartache and recriminations follow because - although you’ve been truthful all along - you’ve wasted her time.
I don’t think keeping finances separated is the answer, either, because of all the things Giraffe pointed out. He’s going to eat steak while she eats hot dogs? Not likely. I know there are quite a few Dopers who have separate finances in their marriage, but I question whether there is a large disparity like this, and if there is, how they work that out (one pays 90% of the bills, the other pays 10%?).
I dunno… this doesn’t sound plausible to me. My finances are pretty completely separate from my wife’s. We have never had a single bank or credit account. We have no shared bills. The house, the cars, the cell phones, everything I can think of that we both use, is in my name. I don’t think I could find a single legal document in the house that has us both on it, except for wedding documents. And yet, we both eat steak or we both eat hot dogs, and our fortunes pretty much rise and fall together. It’s not like you can His and Hers electrical outlets and two meters on the outside of the house.
Yes - that’s it exactly. Your fortunes rise and fall together, regardless of how much you might want to keep the finances separate. One of the pair deeply in debt will drag the other one down, no way around it.
Well, maybe you can, but…
I would be less concerned about the debt than I would be about spending patterns. Nearly 100k in debt, and buying a new car? And looking to take on more debt? Sorry, kind of crazy when it comes to a lot of professions.
There’s exceptions, of course, someone who has a job as an investment banker, or just got hired at a blue chip law firm may have reasonable expectations of paying back that kind of debt, but for most of the programs in Grad school, that is quite unreasonable.
Full disclosure, I work in the humanities. If i can’t pay cash, I generally don’t do it. I have some loans, but not much. I wouldn’t consider someone with 100k in debt a good prospect. Your mileage may vary.
So then how do you work those cell phone bills, car payments, house payments, etc that are shared expenses but in your name? Does she write you a check for half each month? What do you do if she can’t come up with the money several months in a row, boot her out? Cut off her cell-phone? Tell her what she can and cannot buy?
Not being snarky, because if you have figured out a good system of this, it would save many an argument between my girlfriend and I. Me thinks the OP will likely end up in this type of situation as well.
I can’t really speak to how easy or difficult it would be. However, if the OP wants to continue this relationship without being burdened by her debt, I don’t see any other option. Do you?
It also has the advantage of the OP not “putting restrictions” on their relationship, at least any more than she has now. Presumably – now – she is the sole debtor, and is paying (or borrowing) her own way. This will not change.
Now it may be that this option is in itself to much hassle, or too stressful in some way on the OP to be worthwhile. I only see two other options. Either end the relationship or dive in and take a load of the debt.
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The generally accepted financial rule about student debt, is that your total student debt should not be more than your first years annual salary at whatever job you are studying for. I.e, it is ok to borrow $100,000 if at graduation you are offered a job with an annual salary of $100,000. Anyone who borrows more than this old general financial rule, is : T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Anyone who borrows more than their first years salary after graduation is stupid…and anyone who marries such a person is an idiot. The only thing worse than a stupid person, is the idiot who marries him.
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Do you seriously think this will be her** last** finanacial disaster?
You sound totally unwilling to adjust your life in any way for this girl so why are you staying with her? I’m not talking about the debt alone. It sound like you want to “settle” for someone who is “okay”.
Oh, and if you decide to cut her loose you really have no place to be “issuing stern warnings about” ANYTHING she decides to do with her life.
Certainly don’t lecture her, but looking at it from her expenses as a single woman living alone make sure she is well aware of what her monthly payments will be on $ 100,000 in student debt, and what will be left to pay that if she gets a job in her field and you deduct housing, food, lifestyle etc. expenses.
In many cases, contrary to the old saw of education always paying for itself in many cases, an expensive masters degree in a low demand field will not pay for itself. It’s amazing how people who rack up debt don’t even think about the monthly cost.
Re how to to this, if she starts to talk about grad school just be positive and say “lets see how you can make that happen” and run the numbers on a sheet of paper with her and just do a simple income and expenses (with her as a single person) page with income on one side and expenses on the other. If the scenario is as dire as you indicate in your OP the point will clear.
If it’s not clear to her, or she wants to avoid the conversation altogether (and still wants a commitment) you need to re-evaluate your position. If she wants you on the marriage track, but still wants to option to go to grad school, and have a baby you had best be rock solid dedicated to making these expectations happen for her.
Here is a student loan payment calculator
Two thoughts:
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If her job is going to necessitate a move and you know you will be unwilling to go, tell her directly and now. She deserves to be able to weigh the risk of that heartache just as much as you do. I have one of those jobs that you have to move to the job. I make it pretty clear to whoever I’m dating that a new/better job for me may mean moving across the country. If he said, “OK”, continued to seriously date me and then refused to move, I’d be pissed. It’s one thing to say you don’t want to move, but you are saying you won’t. Do yourself and her a favor and admit it.
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Before she jumps into major debt for grad school, she needs to look into other ways to pay for it. IMHO, the best option (barring a scholarship) is to get a job that will pay for your school. She may have to put in a few years to get that benefit, but a free degree is worth it. The best place to start is at the school she wants to attend. Many universities will pay for their employees to take classes at the school, regardless of your role at the school. I’m doing that right now. Granted, my degree will take 4 years (plus the 1 year to wait for the benefit to kick in) as opposed to 2, but I won’t leave $80,000 in debt.
Under no circumstances will I end up 500 miles from home. I am declaring war now, so that no person may be killed in this conflict.
I ain’t leaving.
Not even over my dead body.
This happened to me and it was probably the worst heartbreak I’d ever experienced. She knew I was military and would have to leave and she was okay with it. Until 2 years later when it was time to put up.
S’ok though. I wouldn’t have met my current wife otherwise.
She’s not in 100k of debt and taking on more. The OP estimates that her debt after grad school will owe 75k-100k. The OP did not state how much debt she currently has.
Yeah, I forgot about that part of the OP. If she’s old enough to be in grad school and in massive debt, she’s old enough to not have her boyfriend giving her a stern talking-to.