I have a friend who has recently returned to university to get her degree. Her roommate moved out 2 months ago, and my friend is having trouble keeping up with the financial burden of school + rent + etc., and so is working 2 jobs to try and keep up.
Today she called to chat and I found out that her last 3 rent checks have bounced, and the landlord is getting frustrated with her and is warning about eviction. She’s making enough money, she says, but it always comes into the account AFTER rent is due. Right after telling me this, she says she went out last night and paid 75$ for a tattoo. She does this sort of thing often… she’ll be near-broke then spend 60$ on a concert, or on some kind of outing. I personally think she’s being very loose with her money, considering, and needs to learn some better financial management skills.
She’s my best friend and I’d hate to see her drop out of school or end up in the street because of money trouble… but how can I talk sense into her? Is it even my place to do so? Maybe I should just be there when (if) it all falls apart and give support without “told-ya-so”, and let her learn that way? Or should I try and keep the crisis from occurring?
If it were me, I’d broach the topic of her finances, and see how she responds. It’s possible that she’d be open to some assistance when it comes to handling her money. If she’s not open to it, at least she knows that you’re there to do what you can now.
Well, I’ve already mentioned to her (when she had a freak-out about possibly not having money for school) that student loans or lines of credit are available and very useful, and maybe she could look into that. Her answer was more or less “Yeah, I should look into that. That would be smart”. So I even brought her the pamphlets that the Quebec government gives out about their loan program. That was 6 months ago and as far as I can tell, the pamphlets are still sitting on a desk unopened. Whenever I mention it, she responds with the same, “Yeah, I should do that”.
So you can see how it’s frustrating me… and putting a strain on the friendship, too. When she told me about her new tattoo, I had to force myself to sound interested, when what I wanted to do was shriek “You did WHAT??? You have no MONEY!!! STOP IT!!”
I think it depends on your assessment of the person.
Some people only learn from the school of hardknocks. When she gets evicted she’ll clue in (of course some people remain clueless).
Other people might see the impending trouble and be receptive to advice. If what your friend says is true then keeping her rent checks from bouncing would be easy. She’s probably spending a small fortune in bank fees for the bounced checks anyway (and perhaps the landlord assesses a penalty as well). Most rental agreements have leeway built in as to when the rent can be paid (usually within 5-10 days of the first of the month but you need to look at the agreement to be sure). Even if she’s a day or two late she’s better off waiting for the money to be present and her landlord would likely be happier. If nothing else she can discuss with her landlord that she gets paid on X-date and she’ll pay then. Unless the landlord wants to be an jerk they’ll probably be ok with this (and almost certainly happier than dealing with bounced checks).
I had a roomie like that. She’d have no money to pay the power bill, but spend 10 bucks a day on lunch at Boston Market. It really depends. Is she actually going to listen to advice or is she just going to blow it off and go to the concert/get tattoos anyway? If she’d genuinely use it, I’d consider a book on budgeting, or even just talking to her. Or, hell, make a spreadsheet in Excel with what she makes at the top, a list of bills down the side, and a totaling thing at the bottom. Don’t let the total drop to 0 or below. That’s what I do.
But some people are going to complain about not having money and not ever do anything about it. That’s just the way some people are and they only learn the hard way, if that.
For some people, the concept of money and debt just doesn’t register completely. They can’t be bothered with it, or it’s too unpleasant to face it and they want to be “happy”, or whatever.
Most of the time you can only wait around for the crash, then be the supportive friend while they rebuild.
If she’ll let you, try to discuss it. Mention “Credit Ratings” and buying Houses and Just How Much Money She Pays In Interest and so forth. Not in a ‘personal judgment’ type of way, but in a more round-about, generalist manner. I’ve found in several cases that pointing out that someone’s CC payment will take 10+ years to clear the debt, or how much they’re paying in interest per year, really makes a difference.
I forgot to add, if she’s like my ex-roomie, there’ll be some justification. There always is. “But I was so sad about being evicted, I needed something to cheer me up.”
It’s possible she’s just young and dumb, it’s possible she’s
arrogant and believe she’ll somehow get away with whatever, or maybe she’s got some weird issues and she is doing this s— instead of dealing with those issues.
No matter why she’s doing this, she’s gonna get in trouble sooner or later if she doesn’t change.
If there is already a lot of humor in your relationship, then my advice is to start acting like her bad behavior is an old joke for you and you can’t take her that seriously when she is upset. This way, you might be able to get in some good information without making her feel like you are her mom.
roxx222, i know you never even hinted at doing this in the OP, but just for the record it needs to be said…
if your friend can’t get a grip on reality and finally does the crash-n-burn thing…DON’T “RESCUE” HER!
this sounds harsh, but there are valid reasons. she’s demonstrating right now that she’s a grade-A flake when it comes to dealing with financial responsibilities. if someone else comes swooping in to bail her out of the hole she’s dug, the ONLY thing she learns is that nothing bad is really going to happen; someone will make everything all right for her.
so if she gets kicked out? console her. advise her. but DO NOT offer to let her stay with you UNLESS she pays rent, with the very clear understanding that it WILL be paid on time at the specified due date, or she will be asked to leave.
and mean it. no rent? so sorry, it’s been real, don’t let the door hit you in the ass, good luck finding a new home ‘cause you ain’t stayin’ here.
your goal should be to help her back on her feet AND teach her about the realities of life. if the hassle of having to move all her stuff to a new location isn’t enough of a smack in the head to get her attention, then the harshness of having to do it AGAIN, for the same damn reason, might be the additional lovetap she apparently needs. (notice that i say “might”. if she’s a true and utter space case, being hit by a truck could still possibly not be an attention-getter.)
and being a patient, kind, understanding friend has never carried a requirement that you force yourself to drown in somebody else’s stupidity.
It is not your job to teach your friends about the realities of life.
You think she doesn’t know that she wastes money? What are you really gonna teach her?
If you’re willing to help, help. Get clear in your own mind about what you are and are not willing to give her if she asks.
But DO NOT condescend to teach her anything unless she asks (and even then, beware; it’s likely to weird out your relationship)
Here’s what I think is happening with your friend: She comes to you to discuss her money problems, that alleviates the stress from them just enough that she’s able to go about her day and not change anything.
You are stuck with the knowledge of the problem, you know the solution, but your friend is paying lip service to your advice cause she knows the solution too but changing is not her goal, alleviation of stress is.
I repeat, she doesn’t want to change when she talks to you, she wants to feel better.
Your choices: If it’s too much for you to bear, you can give her the ol: “hey, you always come and complain about your money problems but never change anything I suggest, so what do you want?” short version:“why are you telling me all this?”
Or, she throws $60 or $75 out the window and tells you about it, you react “WHAT! Sixty Dollars–!” with truthful emotion, and then cut yourself off with a very phony smile and make an obviously phony (and patronising) excuse for her, and then change the subject. This little conversation will come back to her mind later when she is alone.
Ideally the phony excuse would be close to whatever rationalization she would come with for herself.
It’s possible she will hate you for this, but it is more likely it will spoil the rationalization she was planning on.
PS, she is omitting other financial resources too, like getting another roommate again.
The problem is the sense of entitlement. I’m old enough to get a tattoo, so therefore I will if I want to.
And also “long term memory loss” can see the $ in hand but can’t racall the agony of sweating rent last week.
If they are traits of immaturity, they are equally traits of the mature and perpetually broke, of which there are many.
What has to happen is a recognition that just because you are worthy to get a tattoo when you want one, that you are equally worthy not to sweat the rent when your income would have covered it.