Yeah, lack of closure makes a breakup so much worse than a clean break does.
I am guessing that she became very attached to this guy after talking to him daily for a year. Maybe that was a poor decision on her part. Hey, maybe she does have mental problems. Regardless, nobody deserves to be treated this way.
If you’ve never had someone break up with you by ignoring you, then you may not grasp how hurtful that is to the recipient.
My guess is that she may be in denial of the fact that something she THOUGHT was a loving relationship was a big lie and that’s why she is thinking that something must be terribly wrong if he isn’t talking to her.
I think the odds are this girl will stop “stalking” once it’s confirmed for her that Brother is fine, just acting like an ass.
Sure, it’s not your problem, but you’ve been placed in the middle and you effectively have to take a side: with your brother, or against him.
Another vote for tell the poor girl, and for telling your brother you did so. “Hey, Bro, I just had to tell Girl A you had dumped her. Don’t ever put me in that position again.”
I’d recommend using Facebook because it sounds like she’ll want details and explanations, and you need to make it clear from the get-go that you’re not going to engage with her and de-friend her if you have to. “Stalkerina, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but my brother AssJoel hasn’t been in touch because he has moved on from your relationship. I can’t tell you any more than that, but I have asked him to get in touch with you.”
This isn’t one of those situations where someone is cheating and keeping two relationships; your brother is not cheating. He’s already broken up with Girl A, he just doesn’t have the decency to tell her. There is no secret to be kept here. Let her know that actually, your brother has moved in with another girl. You’re not betraying any kind of confidence at all.
If you’re friends with her, I would. It’s cruel otherwise. It is your business - it’s your brother, and you’ve got at least a tenuous social connection with this girl. Let her know.
Only that’s not it. He has a history of keeping girls around “just in case” current relationships don’t last.
If this was the case, then he’d have no problem with my mom or me telling Girl A…except he went from forbidding mom from telling her to outright begging her not to tell her (and to just ignore her).
We’ve seen him do this before and he’s doing it now: He’s basically just keeping Girl A on a leash so he can come back to her later if this current, real-life relationship doesn’t work out for some reason.
Only difference now is that she’s actively trying to get ahold of him and wondering where he is by starting to contact us.
Thus my conundrum: Either mind my own business and let her continue to worry/fret/wonder/wait/whatever–even though I could relieve her of all of that–and let my brother keep thinking it’s an okay thing to do without any consequences, because of him always getting away with it…
…or I can tell her about it, but be at risk at my brother being pissed at me for who knows how long, probably feeling like I’ve betrayed him, when he finds out.*
*Yes, I know he probably wouldn’t have any right to feel this way, but he would because I know him.
Or hell, maybe he would have a right to feel this way since I could just mind my own business.
Thus the reason for this topic.
Seems like most are saying “Tell her”.
If she asks you, tell her the truth. If she doesn’t come to you about it, keep your mouth shut. Don’t worry about trying to find a clean solution to this problem-- There isn’t one. But if you have to choose between a lying mess and an honest mess, choose the honest one.
Tell her. She is suffering. Once she knows what is going on, she can deal and heal.
Your brother is cruel and selfish. He found someone else, which happens. But to leave her hanging like this, worried sick and in the dark? What a bastard.
This seems to be the root of the problem. Why are you even worried about this? So what if he’s pissed at you? I don’t know him or what he’s like, but I think you should stand you ground. He walks all over his girlfriends, but I don’t think you should let him walk over you, too.
Because there seems to be two, pretty big, different opinions about this. And the other one (the opinion that you and I, apparently, don’t have) is that I should mind my own business…which, maybe I should.
So if someone does see this as “You should have minded your own, damn business” then maybe they’d think he had a right to be pissed and that I did something I shouldn’t have.
So your opinion (that I should tell her) is recorded. I’m still hoping for a few more. : p
You have no obligation to her, assuming the only reason you friended her on Facebook was because she’s the gal your brother was boinking at the time. Your brother’s a jackass, but you know that and he’s not likely to change. He’s always going to be your brother. I vote for peace in the family, myob and let him deal with his harem as he will.
ETA: why do you feel a higher duty to the facebook girl than you do to the one he’s shacking with now? You know he’s eventually probably going to do the same thing to her. Leopards do not change their spots. Just stay out of it.
I’m trying to figure this out…in the first part I quoted, were you being hyperbolic, or did she literally not know if he was “alive or dead”? If you’re friends on facebook you’d think someone worried about someone maybe being dead would ask a mutual acquittance, such as his sibling, if s/he has heard from jackass lately.
If she’s actually worried, and you don’t want to commit to telling her where the dog died, send her a message that includes a ref to your brother in some innocuous way.
I was actually quoting her. I’m guessing she was the one being hyperbolic/sarcastic/joking. One of the texts my mom got today said something like “Is he alive or dead, because I haven’t heard from him for a long time”.
I don’t. I think it’d be a shitty thing to do to anyone, no matter who was doing it or who it was being done to.
But anyway, you’re one of the “Mind your own” opinions. Thanks for weighing in.
Your Mom needs to answer the GD phone already. She is a grown woman, she has no need to tolerate this. Then she needs to set her son straight. Frnakly, she’s as bad as he is for standing quietly for this.
If neither of them is going to tell the poor girl then you should. Just tell her for heaven’s sake. You have no way of knowing what decisions may be hanging in the balance for her. Just tell her the truth and then she can move on. What is to be gained by not telling her? The good graces of your jerk brother? Is there something worthwhile about him?
Maybe you should give her Girl B’s phone number. “Oh hey, Bro, A was trying to reach you. I knew you’d be together so I gave her** B’s** phone number. Hope you don’t mind. . .”
OR
“Bro, you have 12 hours to tell A the truth or I;m giving her B’s phone number.”
Social networking is an excellent way for this kind of information to leak out. Usually accidentally. Why not just post some family photos from a visit to Mom’s house one Sunday? Include the brother and new girlfriend, with no explanation. Just family photos.
On the one hand, that might be a really crappy way for her to find out about it. On the other hand, it gets you off the moral hook without getting too directly involved.
Other than that I would just answer the call, say he’s fine, you don’t know what’s going on as far as why he doesn’t want to answer, but he’s OK and you have given him the messages.
Forget the ultimatum and just tell her. It’s not like that will be the end, though, as she might not believe you. But at least she’ll have SOMEbody telling her SOMETHING. You’d shoot a horse to put it out of it’s misery, wouldn’t you? It’s the LEAST you can do.
Someone who is an utter, utter asshat who treats people like dog shit on their shoe being pissed at you is often a sign that you’ve done the right thing. And your brother is indeed an utter, utter asshat who is treating this girl like dog shit on his shoe. But you already knew that.
Tell her. Let at least one member of your family treat her with a little kindness and civility.
Update your Facebook status to something like “Had a great time hanging out with Brother and his girlfriend B today.” Submit the resulting comment spectacle to failblog and then link back to here for our amusement.
That is so. fucking. weird. Perhaps everyone here is forgetting, but this is a dude she’s literally only met once or twice in person and she’s texting his mother being melodramatic, even though I’m willing to bet she can tell from the OP’s Facebook page that brother isn’t dead.
I repeat my previous question: is this girl 15?
If you do end up telling her, be a friend and maybe start a discussion with her about what adult relationships are (hint: if a man doesn’t try to physically see you, he’s just not that into you).
