I think you’re doing the right thing by telling him no. The whole thing has the makings of a nightmare for you and your husband.
Wow; I am literally the only yes vote? I’m probably the only one on here who has done this before, too.
About 6 years ago, a 21-year-old cocktail waitress got evicted because her coke-head roommate had been snorting their rent. She needed a place to stay for Feb-April. She was a quiet girl who had had a SHITTY year. (Had a diving scholarship at Michigan, but hated diving. Quit diving, parents said, “we’re divorcing so we can’t pay tuition,” so she dropped out.) She would be leaving to waitress on Mackinaw Island May 1, but needed to stay somewhere until then. I told her yes.
I had 2 extra bedrooms, was already paying for everything, she wasn’t a thief or a drug addict. Why not? She offered to pay something, but it would cost me so little I didn’t feel right–cable, heat, and mortgage didn’t go up with her here. Christ, how much electricity and water could a girl use? I didn’t notice any increase in utilities.
This girl was not a friend of mine; I knew her only because she waited on us every Sunday the previous football season. There was nothing romantic; she had a bf and I had a gf.
She left April 30, and I haven’t spoken to her since. It was totally fine. Sometimes you do something nice for people when you’re able with no expectation of benefitting.
I’m still glad I did it; it cost me nothing and saved a poor, young girl a couple grand. She needed that room a hell of a lot more than I did.
I wouldn’t go with a flat NO, but I do agree with this approach:
Word. Known messes, maybe, but not someone hiding things from me.
I’d consider it, but it would certainly have some conditions. Pretty much anyone I’d be comfortable having in my house to visit would be welcome to stay for a night or two. Beyond that, they’d need a good reason. I’d certainly expect some kind of payment for someone staying in my home, particularly because I value my space and privacy, which is why I live by myself. Even if there’s essentially no financial cost to someone crashing on the couch and taking a shower, it’s quite stressful for me.
So, for this potential friend of my brother, a yes would be conditional on him doing chores and/or paying me some money, and also that it’s a fallback while trying to find another option, he shouldn’t just expect to show up and crash and not be trying to find another option.
I’ve done it before. My ex-boyfriend’s friend was living in a storage locker down the road so I offered to let him shower here and one thing led to another and he was living here.
I did make him pay rent but in order to get that, I had to help him get his unemployment (which can be a full-time job in itself). It was good once he got a job but then he got a DUI so in order to get my rent I had to drive him to work.
I liked the extra money, and he lived in the basement, but it was just too much having him around. Mostly because I was and am not used to having someone around. It just added an air of tension to everything.
If it was someone I was familiar with, or someone the OP was familiar with (like say his brother’s best friend from growing up) I’d say go for it. After this weirdo guy moved out of my house, I had a friend I grew up with move in and it was much less awkward.
But a guy you don’t know who is already causing problems and not being forthcoming about the situation? Nah. Don’t get caught in the “You knew I was a snake when you invited me in” trap.
I might consider it if I knew more but basically NO.
Why does an employed (still?) RA need to live in private housing for a MONTH? Understanding the need would be my first question. How is his situation going to change in a month?
Also he, you (female), and your husband could be a sticky, unconfortable relationship for any time. It doesn’t even seen like he knows you enough to ask directly.
Update for the curious.
Called him back to tell him he wouldn’t be able to stay, and he said that was fine, because he wasn’t going to be able to stay with us anyway (ok then…) and we FINALLY dragged the story out of him.
He’s been academically suspended (2nd semester in a row), so he got kicked out of his RA job, and he was at school on scholarship, which is dependent on grades - so his scholarship is pulled also, so even if he wanted to study harder, he has no way to pay for classes this term.
He has no car, and no job, and he was apparently hoping to prevent his family from finding out about the scholastic failings, so that’s why he was calling in wild favors from random people. But, apparently the scholarship people had his parents’ number as their contact, and called his parents to confirm that the scholarship was pulled for poor grades, and parents called the school, and… so yeah.
They’re coming up this weekend to get him instead.
Even knowing what went down, I’m glad I said no initially. He seems like a good kid, and hopefully being back with his family will help him get sorted out.
Goodness. I’m glad you said no - knowing his real situation, you’d have been stuck with him for months. He was lying about everything. NOT someone you’d want in the house, and you would certainly have had to go through a legal eviction process to get rid of him.
Oh, in that case you should let him stay. What could possibly go wrong?
Before I had a roommate, I let several of my sons’ friends (one at a time) rent one of my spare bedrooms for a short period of time. The operative term, though, is RENT. They had to pay me deposit money and 1st week’s rent up front. Asking for the money up front seemed to be a good litmus test of who was serious about it and who was merely looking for a handout. I never had an issue with any of the 4 guys who stayed with me for a bit. All had legitimate reasons to need a short term place to stay: One needed a place to stay while he looked for an apartment after separating from his wife, one had relocated to the area and was looking for permanent housing and the other two were in between apartment leases.
So I guess what I’m saying is that it CAN be done. But don’t do it if you feel the least bit leery about it. I’d want a full explanation of why the guy can’t stay in the dorm. One of the reasons to be an RA in the first place is that you get your room free.
Seems a bit late at this point, but I would tell him he can stay for a few days. That gives him time to keep looking for more options and you a chance to see whether you would put up with him for an entire month.
I said “No”, mostly because almost any RA will already be back at school getting ready for the fall semester. Back in the day, we RAs came back nearly a week and a half before the dorms opened, which was a week prior to the first day of classes, which was always the day after labor day.
Needing to stay with you for a month… .and being an RA? Seems sketchy to me.
EDIT: Read the rest of the posts and realized I was right…
Well, we knew about the no car and no job already.
His “job” was supposed to be the RA position, and we knew he didn’t have a car because the few times he’s spent time at my house was when he was in transit back and forth from campus because my brother took time off work to go fetch him there or back.
Still - he’s back with his own family now, and I’m happy with my decision. If I had said yes and then found out that he was suspended from school and not very likely to get back in? I would have been stressed beyond reason that we’d never get him out of our house again.
I hate to say it, because he is a good friend of my brother, but I seriously feel like I dodged a bullet. I’m just glad he wasn’t quick enough to come up with a good sob story.