My partner just found out that his parents have both died in an apparent murder/suicide on the other side of the continent. He’s flying out there first thing in the morning, but doesn’t have the first clue how to handle the situation. What will he have to do? Where should he even begin? Neither of us has any experience with this kind of thing, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Holy crap. I don’t have the first clue how to answer, but hope your partner is as okay as can be expected. Good luck.
First, please offer him my sympathies, what a horrible tragedy…
What he does right now probably depends on whatever investigation is being made into the murder/suicide, something I can give no advice on.
After that, when the remains are released, he needs to finalize arraignments for the funeral, if wanted, or the burial/cremation. Are there any other family members to help? Is there a will, or has either of his parents mentioned their final wishes? I know how difficult it is to do these things all willy-nilly and suddenly, but really, once everything is over, you’ll realize it wasn’t as hard as it seemed.
The feelings, and the grieving, will be the most difficult thing, especially in this situation. Therapy is something I wouldn’t shy away from…
My God, that’s just horrible! I am so sorry.
Unfortunately, I do not have any advice to give. I can tell you that once the bodies are released for the burial or cremation, the mortuary will take your partner through all the necessary steps.
He does have a brother, but I think my partner is going to have to take the reins here.
All he knows is that his parents always said they wanted to be cremated.
Both my parents died within a month of each other, oh, about 10 years ago now. One of the most important things to think about is, Do they both have a will? Do they mention in the will what would happen if the other partner dies first?
One of the main problems we had when my parents died is that my mother had a will, but the died first, so when she died everything automatically went to my father, who later died less then a month later without a will. Because he died last, without a will, everything had to go through probate court (and you don’t want to know what happened then).
I’m very sorry.
If they died at home, when will the authorities be through with the crime scene?
House cleaning if it is an issue if the deaths occurred at home?
If his parents weren’t very organized wills and insurance policies may be scattered within the house, so there may be a significant amount of searching to do. (My dad had a couple of older paid up insurance policies in boxes that hadn’t been opened in about three moves.) Would either parent have kept documents in an office? Pre-paid funeral plans? Did they have a safe deposit box or boxes? (Mine is autobilled through my checking account yearly)
Check prices at a couple of funeral homes. Make sure he is comfortable with the people he is employing. Be cautious about being guilted into spending more money than family or the estate can afford, if his parents haven’t made prior arrangements.
There was an inquest in my dad’s death which was pretty much an obvious accident. This delayed his death certificate by three months, which slowed a number of settlements down.
I personally would want to at least have the locks re-keyed if this was reported on the news, because a whole lot of people will be aware of the situation.
Was either parent a veteran or did they work for a union? My plans for my dad’s death are to call the union hall and then the VFW and get all the support I can find.
I’m so sorry for your partner’s loss. It sounds absolutely tragic. Good luck to the both of you.
I don’t have any real advice to offer, just chiming in with my condolences to your partner.
You are your partner have my sympathy. Your partner has to realize that it wasn’t his fault.
Let the police finish the investigation, handle the funeral arrangements, and see about wills and probate. You might want to hand an estate attorney.
I’m so, so sorry for this. I can’t begin to imagine what he and you are going through right now.
There will be a *lot *of people telling him what to do next. My advice to you, as the less emotionally invested person, is to make sure he’s not going to be taken advantage of. When he gets there, he’ll call whomever called him, probably the police, and they’ll tell him the procedure for identifying the bodies (if needed) and for finding a funeral home to take them away. They’ll help him with that. Then you have to help him stick to his guns about what he/they want: does he/they want the ultra-deluxe self sealing casket with a 200 year watertight guarantee…to get cremated in? Prob’ly not. It doesn’t make sense, whatwith being burned and all. But they’re going to try to sell it to him anyway. So help him say no, and bring a notebook with you to write down any phone numbers, directions or instructions that you’ll both think you can remember and you won’t.
Next step is to make phone calls to people in their address book or that he knows will want to know. These phone calls suck tremendously, especially in the case of an unexpected death. Try to find people to help you guys make them, and give yourself frequent fresh air breaks while doing it.
Consider setting up a simple website with and details about the wake/funeral (as they become available) and maybe the manner of their deaths. This will minimize the call-backs you have to deal with as more information becomes known. Add a memorial page for people to post their thoughts and memories on and a donation link to the movement of your choice. When something like this happens, people want to DO something - donation to something somehow related to his parents, the manner of their deaths or something they were interested in will make people feel like they’ve contributed in a meaningful way.
Finally, listen to him. Don’t tell him what he “must be feeling” or anything, just…listen. Hug him a lot. And tell him your imaginary Doper friends are thinking about him and wishing him love and sympathy.
Liscentious Ectomorph - First, my condolences and sympathy to both you and your partner. Death is never easy for those left behind.
I’ve never dealt with the added complication of police involvement but I’ve dealt with the rest of the process. The first thing to remember is that by and large, friends and family want to help. They may have very different ideas of what constitutes help, but their hearts are in the right place. There are lots of little details to be taken care of, and at first, those details can be a saving grace. Your mind will come back to what has happened on its own, over and over again - having tasks can give you the sense that you are dealing with the situation a little bit at a time.
There is much that you can do to help - for example, if you can take on some of the contacting of the friends and distant relatives, that can take an emotional burden off your partner and his family. First, there will be all the dealings with the police, then the funeral, then going through all the stuff to find out about wills, insurance, pensions, bank accounts. Eventually, there may well be cleaning out the house, selling it, settling the will, paying off debts still owing, filing the final taxes. It is a huge amount of work when you first see the list, but a little bit at a time, and a lot of delegation of tasks makes it easier.
Remember, other people want to help, and it may make cousin Joe feel better if he can help out by picking people up from the aeroport, or if Auntie Marilyn does the groceries. If they’ve offered to help, you’re not imposing by giving them specific tasks.
And talk about the parents while they were alive; who they were, how they met, what they liked. There’s something strange about death in Western society, that we don’t want to talk about it. The people who have been bereaved need to talk about the people who have passed away, and not just at the funeral, but for years to come. Help your partner and his family with that. There are years of two people’s lives to be talked about, and that’s more important than the ending.
And if there’s anything we can do to help, let us know.
Thanks to all for the kind words and good advice.
He’s on a plane right now; I won’t be able to join him until Saturday, so there’s not much I can do from here at the moment. Fortunately his brother and sister-in-law live nearby and they’ll probably handle the notification of extended family and friends.
I like the idea of a website. My partner’s brother can do that easily, and could probably use the distraction/activity.
My partner is not the type to get taken advantage of, so no worries there. However, his parents were in epic amounts of debt (hence the murder/suicide), so we’re concerned about being responsible for that. Neither of us has any idea how that works. How can we protect ourselves?
The worst part about it in my estimation is the sweet seven-year-old granddaughter left behind. She was very close to her grandparents, and while I doubt she’ll be told how they died, she’s not unfamiliar with the concept of death and will be devastated to have lost them both so suddenly. Grammy and Grampy are here one day and gone forever the next. How does a seven-year-old process that?
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, but I do want to offer my condolences, and let you know that my thoughts will be with you and your SO!
First, my heart goes out to you and your family. It’s tough enough to lose your parents in any way, let alone something like this.
As to your question, I’m not a lawyer in way, shape or form, and your partner’s family should probably consult one, if only to get some recommendations. I only know what I was told when my mother died and left a fair amount of debt.
Generally speaking, the children are not liable for the debts of the parents. The parent’s estate is liable. That means that any property (real estate, cash, jewelry, stocks, bonds, even household goods) owned by the parents at the time of their death may have to be sold to pay the debts. If that pays the debts, anything left over goes to the heirs. If nothing is left over and there are still unpaid bills, those creditors are generally out of luck. And there is a time limit on how long creditors can make a claim against the estate. If they miss that window, again they are generally out of luck.
Also, I was told life insurance is not part of the estate, and was not taken to pay off debt. It goes directly to the beneficiaries untouched.
So unless you cosigned loans, you appear on the mortgage, etc., your personal finances should not come into play. But please at least check with a lawyer in that area. Laws can vary, and things like unpaid taxes may be handled differently, I don’t know.
I’m not a religious person but if your partner’s parents belonged to a particular church/synagogue/mosque/other you can bring them into the loop - that’s a community of people who knew the deceased, can help with a lot of work and the leaders are often experienced at helping families deal with death.
When my grandfather died suddenly a few years ago the synagogue was a big aid, the rabbi guided the funeral arrangements, other people from the Jewish community helped with meals and other “routine” tasks that seem to build up while the family is trying to grieve and so on.
As much as I hate giving this as advice, he needs to get a lawyer who lives where the parents lived. He’s going to have too much to deal with not to have someone who can make sure every i gets dotted and every t gets crossed.
A good funeral director may be able to do this for you. The one who helped my mother with my stepfather’s funeral, in Idaho, did this at no charge. He also helped with getting the Death Certificate and with getting copies of the certificate where they needed to go. That included claiming a burial policy that paid for more than half of the expenses.
Sorry to hear about your partner’s loss. You both have my condolences.
Some helpful (I hope) stuff:
First, my condolences to you and your partner. You’re going to have to be the moral support he will need to get through this.
Yes, you’re going to have to search the family home for whatever papers they may have left (wills, insurance policies, etc.) – after the police say it’s OK. Their CSI-type work will be done rapidly but they need priority to do it.
If the parents had a competent lawyer your partner trusts, he can be an immense help in sorting out the legalities. If not, get a local lawyer your partner feels is trustworthy to help with them,
Do NOT rely on the funeral director; he’s in business to make money off selling funerals and interments. Many are ethical indviduals; some are not. And you find out the hard way which is which.
If they belonged to a church, even nominally, use its clergyman to aid in putting together the funeral/memorial service (presuming you plan to have one) – but your partner, not the clergyman or the mortician, is the one making the decisions on what is/is not appropriate for them.
I’m going to offer this suggestion: even if none of you are/were religious, turn to a local mainstream clergyman for help in dealing with the basic stuff, both the necessary actions and dealing with grief. Be upfront with him; if he’s at all decent, he won’t use it as proselytizing time but rather give honest unbiased third party counsel that you may need, on procedures and dealing with grief. He’s trained to do this and experienced at dealing with funeral arrangements and such, and has no investment in seeing what can be done to line his own pockets. That’s not intended to be pushing religion, but rather “consult an expert” – and local clergy tend to be the only unbiased experts on dealing with sudden death.
If there is no will, you probably want to invoke the “died in a common mishap” clause of your state’s intestacy laws, and deal with the estate according to them. (Dollars to donuts it says to split it 50% your partner/50% his brother, but find out.) If there is a will, of course, it has to be admitted to probate, and you need to depend on a local lawyer for guidance in doing that and settling the estate.
My condolences. Your job in this is to protect, to see what may be going on while your partner can’t.
FWIW…
AFAIK, everything goes through probate…could be they just rubber stamp it as it goes through when the intentions of all parties are clear, but you might brace yourself for that.
Second bit, a long time ago a friend’s wife’s remaining parent died. Man, the grabbiness that came out among the children was saddening. The wife went to the family home for something and discovered that her brother was there first. All the locks had been changed. Sad to say, but this sort of situation can bring out the worst in people. I’d keep some skepticism in mind and listen.