It sounds to me like you have adopted a child, rather than found a partner. And isn’t that really what it’s all about?
For me illegal drugs are a dealbreaker. Heck, I don’t even like to be around heavy drinking, though I don’t mind if he has an occasional one.
Tone is hard to gauge online, but my take is that it’s the frivolity of the purchase that grates on you, and that $30 would in fact have made your week better/easier. If he doesn’t know that, tell him, and see if he straightens out immediately. If not, get rid of him.
My secondary take is that you may be looking for “permission” to get rid of this guy. (i.e. would I be a jerk if . . .?) The answer to that is no, you wouldn’t be a jerk. Permission granted.
If what you are really asking is: “How can I get him to grow up and live by better values?” the answer is you can’t, and don’t kill yourself trying. Even if he decides to try for your sake, he will eventually revert to his true self, or resent you for making him live a lie.
Hang in there, it’s a painful thing you’re going through and despite my dry advice you do have my sincere sympathy.
Both, in my opinion. You can’t disregard the financial part of a relationship. Some people will take advantage of a situation if they’re allowed to. Since the expectation is that he contribute to the costs of the household, there’s nothing wrong with expecting him to pay up before he buys pot. It’s only fair.
Why do I suspect that if it was a girlfriend working minimum wage at an art gallery and a guy was wondering why she wasn’t paying half of everything, even though he was significantly better off financially, some folks answers would be different ?
I am still waiting to get more financial detail. If this dude is “blowing” money left and right, and the OP is hard up for cash, thats one thing…
Otherwise, your just trying to define your relationship by money and spreadsheet IMO.
The OP didn’t state that the boyfriend was paying “half” of anything. He’s been asked to contribute to the household, an amount was agreed to, and he’s not paying up. Your snide comment about women working in art galleries says much more about you than it does about minimum wage workers who perform work you don’t find important.
Ive never claimed minimum wage workers are “less important”, heck, if you had some reading comprehension you’d see that I am taking up for minimum wage workers!
“Honest/hard” work is something I have a profound respect for, even moreso than all those high edumacated high profile jobs.
You just didnt like it when I made “fun” of a female minimum wage worker to make a point. If “she” is aint expected to pull half her weight money wise, why should “he” be expected to? Or is she? Or Isnt he? Or is he?
Of course we are still waiting to see the real financials and whether its the illegal pot thats the issue or whether its XYZ amount of “frivously” spent money in time period ABC.
It really doesn’t matter, does it? There was an agreement and the fact it’s not being honored by the poster’s partner is bothering him. Whether or not the situation changed is immaterial. The fact is, he wants his money and the partner chooses to buy pot rather than pay money he owes to someone he’s in a relationship with.
You invented a scenario that had nothing to do with the information given us, which is all I based my comment on. Why would you do that? This had nothing to do with a female anything in a fictitious job. It has to do with what the poster said it has to do with.
The fun part is that no one said “half”, the OP said “I pay all the bills” and “he owes me $1000”. To me, (and taking aside the idea that maybe a debtor/creditor relationship and a romantic one don’t mix) once there’s a notion of a debt owed for a specific amount, there’s at least some expectation that effort will be made to pay the debt back rather than spend on frivolities.
Yes, that comment was so so nasty, how evil of him. :rolleyes: He didn’t say anything of the sort about women working in an art gallery as it being not important. “…significantly better off financially” doesn’t mean HIS work is more important than HERS. Where did you get that idea? It just means someone is making more.
Boyfriend’s state of mind is the issue that needs addressing. Perhaps he’s blithely thinking, “fightboy18 isn’t sweating my debt; what’s $1,000 to someone who can afford to provide me a free place to stay, groceries and entertainment? I’ll bet they meant the cash as a gift since I’m so broke. Time to get high!” Then again, maybe Boyfriend is like my ex “Jimmy” and has deliberately taken it upon himself to decide that since fightboy18 provides all of the above, sponging cash and not honouring established financial commitments is his due.
Offer to set up a reasonable loan repayment plan with Boyfriend; if he balks, I think you have your answer.
More info needed if you want good answers your not saying his set amount of rent. If he hasn’t paid you for rent I would be a little pissed off. so is is debt the rent or the groceries, entertainment, etc. In a way I can see your point but 30.00 to keep him happy if that is all he spends isn’t so bad.
From the context of your post you have someone who is making almost nothing in an expensive place to live. You make much more than he does and are supporting him financially via room and board.
I’m not sure what exactly you are complaining about or what your rational expectations are re his ability to contribute. If it annoys you boot him, if the benefits of having him around make up for it, live with it. You sound more like his parent than his partner. If you press him I predict he will most likely leave you and will find another benefactor.
“Boyfriend” usually means other living arrangements than simply 'roommate".
If there are other issues we are not aware of, that is a different story.
Otherwise, it is usually the case in all couples that one person earns more than the other.
The $30 thing is nonsense - if he had bought a two cases of beer, or a DVD of a film, or a video game for his XBox, or some lottery tickets…what difference would it make? No matter what a person earns, they need to at least spend a fraction on something that they enjoy.
Sounds more to me like the bloom has faded on the “boyfriend” aspect and you are looking for an excuse to end it.
I am fine with pot; I am fine with people in a partnership paying freight as a percentage of salary (and I’ve been on both sides of that); I am fine with working low wage jobs to leave more time and energy for one’s avocation or family.
However, I dislike chiselers and beancounters; one of you is one of these, and driving the other into the other.
Basic rule: you don’t spend money on entertainment when you are in debt to a friend.
Basic rule: you don’t count the pennies with a partner.
A friend, or a loved one. Especially if you not paying your debts affects the whole household, and makes one person have to shoulder even more of the weight just to make ends meet. (To mix some metaphors…)
