Need help with Vietnamese wedding etiquette

Factual Questions
1

I’ve been invited to a work associate’s wedding. Both he and his bride-to-be are Vietnamese and judging from the invitation it will be a fairly traditionally (?) Vietnamese wedding. There is a tea ceremony at 10:00a.m. at her parent’s home and a Reception at 6:00p.m. at a restaurant.

Since I am a casual acquaintance of the groom-to-be and don’t know the bride-to- be at all, should I just send a gift? Attend one event or the other? Attend both? What is appropriate attire? What constitutes an appropriate gift? Anything else anyone might want to share that we should know?

Also, the groom-to-be is a fairly close work associate of my son’s (we all work at the same company). Do the rules change for him? Is it acceptable for him to attend alone if his fiancée is not interested in going?

So many questions…but I don’t want to insult anyone.

Thanks in advance for any info/suggestions.

2

I don’t see how anybody could possibly be insulted by your asking honest questions about protocol; if they do, then I think it’s their problem, not yours.

If it was me, I’d just ask the groom-to-be, since you know him. Seems easier, and likely to get you an accurate answer regarding the expectations of this particular group of people.

If he gives you the Hey-I’m-A-Guy-Whaddo-I-Know goofy shrug, ask him to introduce you to the bride’s mother (not the bride, because she’s totally swamped), and ask her.

3

I’ve been to a few of these.

There’s no hard and fast answer, as it can vary from couple to couple, but generally friends and workmates will attend the reception only. Although some people bring gifts these days, it is still safest to give money. This should be in the order of a hundred dollars per guest (so two hundred if you bring a partner). Place the money in an envelope (with a card if you like), and you will be promptly relieved of it by a small group of pretty girls sitting at a table by the door when you arrive. They will “sign you in”, and you might have to add your name in felt pen on a piece of red silk, which the couple will keep as a souvenir.

Then just go and sit down at our table, and enjoy the evening. The Vietnamese do this stuff well, and you’ll almost certainly get your $100 worth.

For those who think giving cash is tacky (I used to), the Vietnamese attitude is that it will (possibly, if they’re lucky) pay for a huge, extravagant reception, a party the likes of which the average working family will never throw again in their lifetime.

4

Also, the exotic, traditional stuff tends to be for the family earlier in the day. The receptions are quite Western. It will be a banquet with lots of top shelf booze, some boring speeches in Vietnamese and English, the couple’s first dance, lots of Unchained Melody, et cetera. There’s not much you need to know or do once you’re there. Feel free to just sit and get tanked.

5

If you still need to know(I just saw this thread) I can ask some good friends of mine. Their son married a young woman, who, although she is American, was born to parents who emigrated from VietNam. I saw a picture of the happy couple in Vietnamese garb. He had to have his tailored because he was quite tall. But I think they actually had two ceremonies. Both the bride and the groom are Catholic. I recieved an invitation actually, but I couldn’t go as it was halfway across the country. I sent a card and small gift. The invitation was to the Catholic ceremony, and a reception after, and was printed in both English and Vietnamese, and was absolutely exquisite.

I do remember my friends saying that, as parents of the groom, they met with the bride’s parents earlier in the day, and there was an “exchange” of children, and the sets of parents said they’d look out for their own child’s spouse as if they were their own. But that was private, just some immediate family member’s present.

6

TheLoadedDog
This is great information and exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much.
HillKat

7

Another question you may want to (somehow) ascertain the answer to: what do Vietnamese mean when they print “6:00” (or whatever) on an invitation?

Some groups are fairly well known for having very nominal starting times, to which those in the know don’t pay much regard, and you might feel like a dope if you show up on the dot and the caterers are just rolling out the tables – you’re meant to show up 30-45 mins. after the nominal start time. Other groups are very very punctual, ten minutes late could be an affront.

8

Baker,
I suspected that the tea ceremony might be something of that order. I suppose I should just take Duck Duck Goose’s advice and ask the groom to be.

More information is always good, but you and TheLoadedDog have pretty much confirmed my guess. The wedding isn’t until the first week in November, so if you happened to get more info from your friends, great; if not, no problem.

The invitation I received was exquisite also. Nothing like any Western invitation I’ve seen.

Thanks for your response.

HillKat

9

Some more stuff, as it comes to mind…

After you walk in the door and do the gift stuff, you will likely be led over a few feet to where the bride and groom are standing in (typically Western) wedding garb, for a photo. At this point (and probably long before), both bride and groom are already exhausted (it’s a long and full day for them, but with more to come). So, for this reason, I’d not do the “fashionably late” thing too much - they need everybody signed in, relieved of cash, and photographed ASAP, because it’s a full schedule.

You’ll then be taken to your table.

The Vietnamese receptions I’ve been to have been in the order of 100 - 200 guests, and so logistics is a pain for them (I’ve been involved in that side too, for my sister-in-law).

Typically, the reception hall or restaurant will provide a banquet of ten to thirteen small dishes. The food is usually western-friendly: there will be lobster, shark fin soup, fried rice, and some other stuff I forget. But if you’re entertaining worries of dog, snake, tongue, etc, don’t sweat. There will be lots of beer and lots of cognac.

Through the myriad of speeches, dances, toasts, etc, the poor, exhausted couple will likely disappear and reappear several times, each time dressed differently in various modes of Western and Eastern wedding and evening gear. If the money has not been spared, there will be an MC and a live band (playing well-worn English language love standards). Or it could just be up to the parents. There will be a part where the couple toasts one another with garishly coloured cocktails with arms linked elbow through elbow. The first dance is ALWAYS Unchained Melody - in case you were in any doubt. Then the dance floor opens up to everyone else, and there is invariably a conga line at some point. There will be a toast with lucky crackers. There will be multiple toasts, in fact. Some Vietnamese men will get rat-arsed and messy on the “free” XO - that’s a given. But they won’t cause trouble. People start making their excuses and slowly drifting away at 10 or 11pm (earlier for those with kids or the elderly).

10

I’m not familiar with that one - though I don’t doubt it.

The one I know is a weird version of the Western “don’t let the groom see the bride before the wedding” custom. The night before the wedding, the men and the women (on both sides) separate into different houses or places. On the morning of the wedding, the men drive up to the female house and try to “storm” it by banging on the door. This is met with much female giggling from inside and a refusal to open the door. This goes on and on for some time, until the women “reluctantly” agree to allow the men in so they can ask if it’s ok for the marriage to go ahead (and of course it is).