Need some wedding advice!

In My Humble Opinion
1

So basically I’m scared of spending a tonne of money on a wedding when we don’t have a lot and have a million other things to save for: Namely moving interstate for my future husbands job (meaning we have to furnish a place), buying a car and going on a honeymoon, which can pretty expensive considering we live in what feels like the middle of nowhere and flights everywhere nice seem ridiculously expensive.

…Althought I may be going slightly crazy here so who even knows if my ideas of what’s expensive are right.

But we can’t NOT have a wedding. We have to get married in order to live together and it’d be kinda sucky if we couldn’t have the wedding be…well, nice. But at least $1000 for a photographer? I feel like that should be one of the cheaper things. I wish I wasn’t planning this all by myself and I wish I could talk to my fiance and ask him what to do. I want it to be what he wants. I don’t even know what I want (and I’m fairly sure I never will). I feel like no matter what I choose it’ll be the wrong decision.

Any advice?

2

This website: http://apracticalwedding.com/

If you need to get married without the expense of a wedding, why not go down to City Hall and do it? Or elope–take a weekend away somewhere and get married elsewhere. Romantic and a sight cheaper than a wedding will be. None of the parts of a wedding are set in stone: you don’t HAVE to have an expensive dress/sit-down meal/custom flowers/expensive honeymoon. You don’t have to go on a honeymoon at all. You can do whatever you want.

Photographers, for the record, will not be the cheapest part of your wedding by a long shot.

3

The part I bolded above—I don’t understand. Why can you not talk to him? And why do you have to get married in order to live together?

Also, some of the things you’re saving for are wishes and not needs. A roof over your head is a need. A honeymoon is a wish. You’ll have to determine what your priorities are—and if a honeymoon is a priority then, by all means, plan an excellent one. But you’ll have to skimp somewhere else.

I see from other posts of yours that you are fairly young (19? 20?) Do you have family and friends who can help with this? Finding experts among these contacts—the friend who knows a caterer and can get you a discount, for example—is something I hear a lot of frugal brides- and grooms-to-be discuss.

On the other hand, I had no wedding. Me, my now-husband, and a justice of the peace. While I never needed the BIG HUGE PRINCESS day that some brides seem to need, I do have the occasional regret that it wasn’t just a touch more special, so I understand the wish to have something nice. Still, not having a wedding hasn’t affected the quality of my marriage one bit, where my sister who had the BIG HUGE PRINCESS day with 250 guests is now divorced. Wedding and marriage are not the same.

4

You sound very mature and reasonable. I wish more young couples had your pragmatism.

There are lots of ways to cut down the cost of a wedding/reception. The easiest, of course, is to limit invitations to just close friends and family. (Of course, that also will cut down on the number of gifts you receive.)

Another easy way is to hold the wedding/reception at a non-traditional place, such as a public park shelter. One of my friends had her daughter’s wedding/reception in their barn. Seriously. People literally sat on haystacks. And everyone who attended said it was a spectacular wedding. If you’ve bought your house by then, and it’s unfurnished, why not use it for the reception?

Just paring down on the formality can help cut expenses. For instance, your groom can just wear a nice suit instead of a tux. You can put daisies on the tables instead of a formal arrangement. You can serve a picnic lunch on paper plates instead of prime rib on china.

Shop for a used wedding dress at consignment shops or eBay.

Get your wedding cake and flowers from Costco. (Once you call it a “wedding” cake, many traditional bakeries double the cost.)

If you have your heart set on a traditional, formal reception, the easiest way to cut down on the reception cost is to have it on a non-Friday or Saturday night, such as a Sunday afternoon. Many rental halls charge double for Fri/Sat nights. My SIL had her wedding in the middle of an Embassy Suites atrium. It was actually very reasonably priced, and they only charged for catered food and no facilities fees.

As far as the honeymoon goes, there’s no need to take the dream honeymoon right away. You’re newlyweds and any place you go is going to be a great adventure (I hope). Look on the map for places you can drive to in a day, then put your money toward lodging instead of airfare. Rent a condo via VRBO vs staying in a 5 star hotel. Or hit relatives who own great vacation homes up for a discounted week.

And, of course, buy a used car. Look for reputable cars coming off a 2 or 3 year lease. I also wouldn’t hesitate to buy used furniture, such as kitchen/dining room tables, bed frames, desks, chests, lamps, end tables, etc. I certainly wouldn’t buy a used couch or mattress, but I sure wish Craigs List would have been around when I was a newlywed. You can buy good quality used stuff for the same price as crappy quality new stuff.

5

Thank you so much for all the advice! I feel like you’re all saying things I really needed to hear. I’m going to talk to my fiance about his views on a City Hall ceremony. We can always have a big one later on when we sort out our finances more.
Regarding living together, I should have explained the situation better - my fiance is in army training and as such we need to get married in order for him to be allowed to live off-base during his first year. He graduates in the middle of the year (the same time that I’ll be finishing my degree) so we want to get married then and move in together right away. Not that that’s the reason we’re getting married - it’s just going happen a few months than we originally anticipated. Since he’s training at the moment we can’t talk. Usually we get a phone call on Sundays but he’s away for field this week so we’re looking at next Sunday being the earliest I can talk to him about my concerns.

We’re definitely getting a used car/furniture/anything! Haha, I feel like I’m already pretty frugal but weddings are something I know nothing about, even with all the research I’ve done.

6

In all honesty, because you are getting married for the tangible benefits of living together (and, I’m assuming, his military benefits), why not just elope? I can guarantee you that you will not be the only wife on the base who didn’t get the big white princess wedding. Go to City Hall, elope to the next town over, save your money for a wedding in a few years.

The wedding is unimportant. The marriage is important. And I say this as a military wife who works in the wedding industry.

7

My husband and I eloped during lunch and our witnesses were the people who worked in the accounting office where the notary did the “ceremony.” (In FL, notaries can officiate.) Our 6th anniversary fell on a Saturday, so we did a reaffirmation of vows ceremony in church with friends and family present, then we had a party at his parents’ house after. Neither of us was interested in a big foofy wedding anyway, and this one seems to have taken just fine - we just celebrated our 29th anniversary. :smiley:

My husband’s uncle was quite well-off and he offered each of his daughters the choice between a down payment on a house or a fancy wedding. They all chose fancy weddings - to this day, I just don’t get it. I like a nice party as much a the next person, but sheesh!!!

I’d just say don’t feel forced to comply with some stereotyped wedding fantasy. Whether you have a cathedral with 500 guests or a couple of witnesses at City Hall, you’re still just as married. I think it’s more important to think about your future together rather than obsession over one day. Good luck to you, however you decide to go!

8

We had a wedding in our house with only a minister and a witness. Then, a few weeks later, we had a party with all our friends and family which was a lot less expensive than a wedding and more fun too. (I have a great photo of us at our wedding which the witness took so it feels like we did in fact have a wedding but it was basically free.)

9

My wedding was super cheap. We held the ceremony and reception in a big back yard, had grilled burgers, salads and a gyro loaf on a spit for the dinner, wine from Trader Joes, and my dress was >$200 from Macy’s. I think our biggest expense was the rented sound system for the vows and music. We had about a hundred guests and everyone had a nice time.

10

We had a beautiful little wedding for next to nothing. One of my friends took the pictures (he has a pretty nice camera) I used babies’ breath for the flowers , & the reception was potluck, with a cake from a local bakery. What really made it special was the people who were there.
Oh, & I got my dress from this place.

11

This video sums up the wedding industry. :smiley:
Whenever you can, get the regular stuff, not the four times more expensive Bridal stuff (decorations, etc.). This is your wedding, and it can be as simple or as fancy as you like.

Some thing other people have done - have the wedding ceremony at a justice of the peace, then have a reception for friends and family, so you only have to worry about one venue. Or have the reception at a local pub or something. Or have the reception next year, after all your other expenses have been taken care of.

As for food, I love buffet-style eating, and it is always less expensive than a sit-down dinner.

Photographer - find a local art school and see if any photography students are moonlighting.

Cake - as has been mentioned, supermarket bakeries make lovely cakes, for much less than a huge froofy wedding cake.

Flowers - depending on the time of year, you might be able to make use of local flowers (for example, lilacs for a spring wedding). Supermarkets usually have floral departments, too, or go for simple arrangements from a floral shop - my bouquet was a dozen ivory roses tied with a ribbon.

12

I’m getting married in a few months. Our biggest expense was the reception hall rental. Because my fiance absolutely loved the venue, we ended up renting a fairly large place with a minimum number of guests requirement.
The best way to save money on a wedding is to only invite a few people. Just be aware that it can cause drama if someone gets offended they weren’t invited, so you have to be careful about how you go about this.

Just because it’s common to do things a certain way at a wedding doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it the usual way. It really just comes down to if it’s important to you to have certain things at your wedding.
You don’t HAVE to wear a poofy, expensive wedding gown. Any dress suddenly becomes more expensive when you call it a “wedding gown”. Your wedding still counts if you wear a simple, inexpensive white dress like one of these: http://www.forherandforhim.com/little-white-dress_c87.html

You may not want to give out “favors” at the reception. I know a lot of brides who say that most guests don’t bother to take the favors home and it can add up to several hundred dollars wasted if you ordered favors for a lot of guests.
You don’t HAVE to have a professional photographer/videographer. Is it important to you to have professional quality photos? If not, maybe it would be enough to use a service that rents out flipcams for weddings, give some guests disposable camera to snap photos with, or just ask some of your friends to send you their camera phone photos.

Do any of your friends know how to bake? Maybe they would be willing to make desserts or a cake for the reception for less than you’d have to spend to get one at a professional bakery.

I’m having a fairly traditional wedding ceremony/reception, partially due to family expectations. I ended up spending more money than I really wanted to. If I could go back, I would probably just elope honestly. It’s a lot less trouble.

13

A small ceremony for immediate family and close friends is a good idea, if you can swing it. Have you spoken to both sets of parents to see if one of them wants to finance a nicer wedding than you can afford on your own? I once told my mom (half-jokingly, I wasn’t engaged) that, if I ever got married, I would rather elope because I don’t like the idea of wasting so much money on a party. She got her feathers ruffled and said she’d pay for the wedding if necessary, and I’d damn well better be in attendance!

14

Moved from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO.

15

Those dresses were lovely, lavender. This one is very weddingy. That dress would be $20,000 at Kleinfeld. :slight_smile:

16

I came in to post exactly all this. In addition to the very good ideas that have already been suggested, I’d recommend checking out Listia for other things you might need. It’s an auction site, but you don’t pay anything. The way it works is that you list something you’d like to get rid of and people bid on it using points they’ve built up. After your auction has ended, you’ll get points from the winning bidder. Keep that up and you’ll then have a substantial amount to use yourself. Then peruse the site looking for stuff you need (a garter, veil or whatever). Usually, even shipping is free. :slight_smile:

Also, I had others offer to make me items as gifts… my husband’s groom cake, my veil, the photo album to put our pictures in, my manicure and hair job. We got vintage (and cheap) rings off eBay. I used a tiny community center a couple of miles from the wedding (we got married on a softball field – FREE!!), so it costs practically nothing to rent.

This was twenty years ago, but I got invitations incredibly inexpensively from one of those mail order catalogues. Now, I’d do them on the computer. We made all our favors by hand and my flower girl did our decorations for the reception. Oriental Trading would be a great place to find deep discounts on that sort of thing too. I used a couple of matching colored fabrics (bought from the $1 a yard table) to cover everything.

Finally, for my dress, I got accessories at thrift shops (like the hoop skirt I needed to make it billow out) and had an acquaintance do alterations (like add seed pearls out of her home). We went to a fairly close “away” destination for our honeymoon, so we only had to drive a couple of hours. If I were marrying now, I’d use Groupon (or something similar) to secure our lodging, food and activities. Remember, museums are free!

Good luck!!

17

As an aside, I just bought these pants from that site. They’re so cute! :slight_smile:

18

Damn straight, says this old lady (15 years married last August). We got married at the courthouse with our parents and my brother, and didn’t even have a honeymoon for 13 years. We throw big parties every fifth anniversary to celebrate staying happily married, which is a lot more fun and less stress than a wedding.

Elope. Your parents may pout, but they’ll get over it, and you can do big parties later when the funds are available.

19

For the dress- check the consignment shops. Some of themost utterly amazing and perfectly sealed/preserved dresses end up there!

Or try this site: http://www.idealweddingdresses.com/wedding-dresses-2012-249

For the furniture - check if there’s a base used goods store. Army folks leave a lot behind, and it’s usually very well cared for. It’s not like a public shop where you ahve to worry about bugs and such.

20

Try to figure out what parts you actually care about, and which parts you just assume are important because other people seem to care. If what matters to you is a party, get married in the courthouse and have a party at home. If what matters to you is ritual and tradition and your daddy giving you away, have a tiny ceremony. If what matters to you is a kick ass dress and a wonderful honeymoon together, go somewhere like Vegas, buy the dress, get the photos, and have fun together.

If none of this really matters to you, go to the courthouse and get it taken care of. That’s what we did, and it worked out well.

Also, don’t just think “How bad do I want . . .”. That encourages you to want things badly, so that you can justify having them. Put a cost to it. It’s not just “Do I want pretty flowers?”. Of course you do. It’s “Do I want pretty flowers more than I want two more nights in the hotel?”. And if you will be borrowing the money for any of this, remember that the price is a lot higher by the time you are done paying it off: that $500 dress is a $1000 dress when you put it on the credit card.