Never put a penis.........

In my first girlfriend.

Dare I even ask, Zebra?

… off until tomorrow when you could do it today.

… to do a man’s job.

A vagina with teeth.

A swimming pool drain.

Same answer as I gave for the vagina thread:

in Michael Jackson.

… in a spiced eggplant, unless you really have to
… where a goat can get at it
… in a dead deer lying by the side of the road

on a slow boat to China.

where you wouldn’t put your tongue.

any place near a playful kitten.

…in me.

She’d made Alex Forrest look completly stable.

In the family pet

… in the pickle slicer.

What happened to the pickle slicer?
She got fired also.

Thank you, try the veal.

in the path of a mighty sword.

A knitting needle.

A friend of mine was an Army doctor, and had to treat a soldier who complained of extreme pain when urinating. It took a half-hour of awkward questioning to get him to admit he’d been using a knitting needle, catheter-style, to pleasure himself.

Eeeeew.

Another friend of mine is a blacksmith. He bought a “power hammer” (a big mechanical contraption that combines an automatic hammer with a built-in anvil, and strikes about 3 times per second when you press the pedal). As we were installing it in his garage, the guy whom he was buying it from (a very salty guy, with a thick Wisconsin accent) pointed out that the striking surface was about crotch-height. His warning: “Don’t stick yer dick in dat.”

…through a wild bee’s front door.

…in the popcorn.