in boiling salt water (or hot oil)
. . . in a goat unless you have already established a deep personal relationship.
…Anywhere, ever. Yeah, I’m bitter. What? What?!
Why not? It’s Mightier than the Sword
The pen is?
Where you can’t find it when you need it.
The pen15?
Penisland! (Link completely SFW - and all y’all have dirty minds. :p)
in the printer
My wife’s an elementary school teacher. A couple of years ago, she had a couple of boys in her class who just got goofy about the word “penis”, and how “pen” and “pencil” were close to it. Every time someone in the class said “pen” or “pencil”, they’d erupt in Beavis-and-Butthead-style laughter.
Finally, she’d had enough. Holding up a pencil, she yelled, “This is not a PENIS! This is a PENCIL! It’s a NORMAL WORD! Knock it off already!”
The boys, of course, were mortified at an adult woman saying the amazing P-word directly to them. It was like some kind of mystical word of power or something. (Which, of course, we know it is. 
)
DAMMIT ROBOT ARM!!!
If I had a penis
I’d climb every mountain
I’d force it on females
I’d pee like a fountain
If I had a penis
I’d still be a girl
But I’d make much more money
And conquer the world.
Never put a penis: In or against an industrial belt grinder. (Actual medical case. Don’t close the resultant scrotal avulsion with a carpenter’s staple gun either, no matter how much you don’t want to go to the ER.)
Never put in a penis: An injection of ground-up Viagra pills. (Also actual medical case. Patient got the desired erection; 16 hours later he still had it, and had to get medical help to get rid of it. Inflammation set in, scar tissue formed, impotence became permanent. Take all medications ONLY as directed, guys.)
… in the mashed potatoes if it isn’t that kind of a party.
… in a bowl of horseradish.
… in a box, if she might open the box in public.
in a crazy person.
I use that theory in my personal life. I wish there was a better femal equivilant, since I am a posessor of breasts.
Too late!
in another mans’ vagina
There’s the old generic, “Never lie down with someone who’s got more troubles than you.”
You sure about that one? I, for one, am a pretty big fan of my sexual partners not being, y’know, not currently alive.
I cannot believe nobody has said “in a hot apple pie.”
…or any other kind of baked good, if there’s the remotest chance your parents might come home early.