New and Unimproved Workplace Rants

The BBQ Pit
1061

I remember seeing a unintentionally funny article in a ‘Christian’ newspaper.

They were so homophobic that they had put a filter in to find and replace all occurrances of “gay” with “homosexual”.

Then they reprinted (after their global find and replace) an AP article on American sprinter Tyson Gay, his recent wins at an international event, and the reaction of his girlfriend & daughter: *“American sprinter Tyson Homosexual wins the 100m Championship, with his daughter Trinity Homosexual and her mother looking on”.
*

1062

I saw something similar in a mainstream newspaper that went through a period of “Political Correctness.” They ran an article about a local business with the statement that the company’s budget was now in the African-American.

1063

Unfortunately, sometimes, they used it correctly, so a “replace all” could cause more trouble than it’s worth. I’m just gonna do 10 or 20 pages per day. Until then, it obviously hasn’t been an issue.

*Reminds me of a time when I first started practicing, and we were representing the defendant instead of the plaintiff. Boss’s brilliant solution to quickly crafting a response to a motion? He thought we could just swap out the two terms.

Step 1) Find and replace all mentions of “Plaintiff” to “Defendant.”

Step 2) Find and replace all mentions of “Defendant” to “Plaintiff.”*

If he did those steps sequentially, wouldn’t he end up with the same document he started with? Or a document that referred to both sides as the plaintiff?

1064

So you have ‘plaintiff’ and ‘defendant’.

Step 1) Find and replace all mentions of “Plaintiff” to “Defendant.”

Now they both say ‘Defendant’.

Step 2) Find and replace all mentions of “Defendant” to “Plaintiff.”

Now they both say ‘Plaintiff’.

1065

The way to do it is with three, rather than two, global replacements. First, ensure that the word “Dufundunt” doesn’t appear in the document. Then:

  1. Replace all instances of “Defendant” with “Dufundunt.”

  2. Replace all instances of “Plaintiff” with “Defendant.”

  3. Replace all instances of “Dufundunt” with “Plaintiff.”

1066

How did this thread drop so far down the page?

I just got done with two days of training for the new data software they’re installing at all our plants for datalogging, trending, etc. It’s the same package they trialed a couple years ago, but that trial fizzled out because by the time the trial software was ready to use we’d forgotten the training (and had no time to set up everything needed to actually make use of it - user interfaces, etc.).

So, two days’ time of a bunch of manager, engineers, etc. and… software probably won’t be rolled out for three to six months. Cripes.

1067

I hate spiders. Unfortunately I work on and near water all the time so encounters are a regular part of my life.

This week I had to pull a piece of equipment off of a dam. This entailed walking 1/4 mile out to the end of the dam on a rarely used walkway that has a fence on both sides (it’s like they designed it to be perfect spider habitat).

Do you know how many spiders colonized that walkway and stretched their webs between the fences?

All of them.

I had freaking spider webs from head to foot.

1068

I have a real job! Working in my local library, casual shifts here and there :slight_smile:

I had my training day on the first November, they told me the boss from my local library would be in touch about my first shifts, as I’ve to shadow experienced staff my first few times on the desk.

Still not heard when that will be, so I popped into the library, to be greeted by the boss asking me when my first shifts were going to be. Ummm you tell me? :slight_smile:

1069

Hooray! Congratulations. We are now officially a two-salary household ourselves, which frees me up to pursue opportunities I might not have been able to take if mine were still the only income. A good thing, because the list of jobs that 1) I can do, 2) I can continue doing consistently and indefinitely, and 3) I am qualified for is short enough without adding 4) will support us both. But I would be very grateful for one that 1) is relatively low stress, 2) involves a minimum of client gratifying or line management on my part, and 3) doesn’t make me want to kill myself. And definitely 4) is not located in a toxic workplace managed by bullies.

  1. involves some aspect of environmental protection and sustainability would be a huge bonus. Hoping for a foot in the door with the RSPB, though the role I’m applying for involves something I’m not really experienced in, but they do say in so many words that while that experience is desirable, a passion for protecting wildlife habitat is key, and I’ve got that in spades.
1070

Let me get this straight…you wanted me to write a report to the customer discussing a part issue that you have thoroughly researched, yet you failed to provide a clear explanation of the issue in question. You’ve just sent me back to my desk with the rejected report along with a hand-written outline of how you expect the report to look and what you want it to say.

So maybe next time, could you either a) provide all those little details before I start the report, or b) just write the damn thing yourself, since shit like this is why I’m behind on my other assignments.

1071

Fuckin’ TPS reports anyway.

1072

In a new project working for the client’s IT department, we are having to fish for their processes and procedures and our direct manager gets pissy when we ask too many questions or, even worse, manage to do something the wrong way.

Today it was finding out flight times for a trip we’ve got due in a few weeks. How were we supposed to know we weren’t supposed to do that is beyond me. Dude isn’t on his way to winning “boss of the year”, that’s for sure :stuck_out_tongue:

1073

Good lord, no one’s posted in this for a while. My turn to revive it, I suppose.

We’ve been getting our annual performance evaluations this last week. It’s a ranking system, one being “walks on water” (essentially), two being “meets all expectations”, three being “meets most expectations but needs to work on some things”, and four being … well, you don’t want to get a four.

Used to be that I worked in a centralized technical writer group, and we provided documentation services across the company. We had an editor staff and also a small graphic artist team. Then we were bought, and the new owner believed that all divisions should have the personal needed to deliver their products included in their budget. We all got siloed, many of us were laid off. The graphics team was all laid off, the editorial staff was cut by 80%, and so was the writer staff. the different engineering groups went through layoffs also, although I don’t think it was that extreme. Still, anyone who was left is very, very, very good at their jobs.

I was one of the few who was kept, and I am now the only writer in a department of engineers, most of who apparently think I should be more knowledgeable about engineering than I will ever be, and a few of whom are ticked because they tried to tell me how to do my job and I didn’t comply with their demands because, damnit, it’s my area of expertise, not theirs. Plus I have to meet certain corporate and legal demands that they’d rather I ignored.

Our HR department also has what they call a “forced distribution” system for employee ratings. That means that a certain percentage of the people in a particular pool must be given 3s or 4s, even if they earned a 2, because there’s also only a certain percentage who can be given 2s. And I had a few people who were upset because I’m not a fucking engineer so I made mistakes with information they gave me, and others got into a snit because I didn’t give them what they demanded.

You can guess where this is going, right? Yep, I was given a 3 this year. I need improving, it seems, despite having worked my heart out under some very trying conditions. My bonus was cut in half because of this, and I was rather counting on that money.

I’m starting to take a look at my resume. The money here is good (even the half bonus wasn’t a bad chunk of change, but it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing, damnit), but there’s no way I will ever be able to “meet expectations” when I’m being ranked against engineers for knowledge of the technology we’re working on. That’s NOT MY FUCKING JOB. And if I’m not appreciated for what I can, and do, do, there’s not a lot of point waiting around for the axe to fall, now, is there.

I am so ticked by this. Whoever came up with the idea that a forced distribution for employee review ratings ought to be shot.

1074

Oh, every time I see this thread in the topic list I keep thinking I could add…and add…and add to it.

I don’t because I don’t want to be THAT Doper.

That said, I think many of my colleagues, if not most, are going to be unpleasantly surprised come the New Year. New Current Employer has already started their version of industry tactics to reduce payroll…it’s only a matter of time before they turn on the hose full force.

1075

But being THAT Doper has brought us some of the classic Workplace Rants characters, like Shredder Guy and the guy Dr. Girlfriend used to work for.

1076

My company is client-facing an entire global business industry. We do webinars and working groups and such. Until the middle of this past year we had an extremely talented lady who operated our webinars for us. She administered them with perfection, moderating, announcing housekeeping rules with a near-radio quality voice, and never made the smallest mistake that I ever noticed. Then she got fed up with management and left.

We are so screwed. Just as an example, this morning I attended a webinar where the participants were customers from around the world. The person attempting to manage/administer the webinar did her best. But… she muted everybody to keep down the noise level, which is normal. But then when people wanted to ask questions, she couldn’t figure out how to unmute anybody. We ended up doing the whole webinar with the participants typing their questions into the chat box and then being read aloud by the administrator. :rolleyes: At the end, she wished everyone a merry Christmas like three times and said goodbye four times before she actually ended the webinar.

We got the job done, but we just look… so competent… not!

1077

To quote Doctor Who… “Run!”

1078

I understand that you are a temp, and don’t have the ability / capacity to work from home, but if you are sick, you really shouldn’t be coming into the office, especially around the holidays.

Now, 5 other co-workers (with whom you are in close proximity) are sick and while it can’t be directly linked to you, they are all showing the same symptoms as you are, and will be leaving later today to work remotely.

Also, you’re a nice guy, but have you really never heard of Google or weather.com? Coming over to me to ask what the weather is going to be like later in the week is becoming a little tiresome. But, considering you had to have me show you how to copy and paste, or rename a file, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised.

1079

I’d like to propose hanging him with a rope made from the guts of whomever came up with the idea of forced distribution for grades.

1080

Thanks HR. I complain about an important ethical issue with my manager and that persons manager. HR spends two weeks doing nothing (no one was contacted about my complaints) then comes back and tells me that this is just a matter of ‘tone’ from my manager and I should speak to my manager’s manager about it.

You mean I should go speak to the person who refused to address my initial concerns and violated my confidentiality? And you think this is a reasonable solution?

The company already has a reputation for unethical behavior between management and HR. Thanks for verifying to me that this is well earned.