New Game: Play Dr. With Tater

I’ll admit it, I’m a hypochondriac. There is nothing I love better than poring over medical books, searching for diseases that I might one day possibly get. I don’t think of it as an illness, it’s more of a hobby.

Well, today I fear I really am sick. Too sick, in fact to diagnose myself. I’d go to the doctor, but it’s Saturday & my only option is to go to the emergency room, and I don’t feel well enough for that. So, being a logical person, I decided that the best place to go for a diagnosis would be a message board.

And to make it even more fun, there will be prizes! One for the poster who thinks up the disease that will get me the most sympathy, the other for the most exotic disease. Imaginary diseases are okay, as long as somebody doesn’t call your bluff. The prizes will be your choice of a genuine German cowbell keychain purchased from beautiful downtown Heidelberg, or a geniune replica of the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen, Denmark. If by some chance, I really do have a brain tumor this time, prizes will be awarded by my husband. Just don’t count on him to mail them anytime this year.

And now, the symptoms:

  1. All of my bones & muscles ache, as if I’d run two marathons and stopped a train with my ass.

  2. My whole body feels chilled, except for my head which feels feverish.

  3. I have a dull pain somewhere around my ovaries.

  4. I am congested in my nose, sinuses, and chest, although this is probably due to the 3 feet of pollen we got yesterday.

  5. My eyes feel heavy & I think they might pop out.

  6. My throat tickles.

  7. My joints have a “crackly” feeling.

  8. Of course, I feel weak & fatigued.

Other usefull info: Nothing is currently going around. I am an allegedly healthy 26 y/o white & asian female, one child. I have no insect bites. I already had this year’s flu.

I am now going to take a nice long bath, and run through the list of ebola & hanta virus symptoms in my head.

***Obligatory Disclaimer: If I am stupid enough to take med advice from this gang, then I deserve everything I get. My estate, however, insists on retaining the right to sue.

Tater… It’s not a tumor!!! It sounds like a flu bug. I think that you just need some good OLE USA air and water… Take some aspirin, a little whiskey might help and rest. Call me in the morning… oh, you can’t do that. ok, think of me and write in the morning… Take care my friend…

Definitely the Ebola virus I’d say check in to a hospital right away… but by the time you read this you will have expired…

R.I.P GirlbySea

oops…I meant tatertot

fwiw R.I.P someday GirlbySea

Concrete… you scared me!!!

I always knew that it’d be ebola that would finally do me in.

I forgot to mention that I also feel bloated & queasy. And embarassing as this might be, I think it’s important that you fine pseudo-docs know that I have this weird feeling “full” feeling in my colon, but attempts to pass gas or go potty have failed.

I took my temp before my bath, and it was 101.7 so I took some nice Nyquil & am going to bed just as soon as my cake is done.

I feel a “bleedy” feeling in my nostrils…must lay down…

Beaker dusts off her mail-order medical degree and hangs it on the wall. Hands Tatertot a tattered magazine from the late 80s and has her sit in the “waiting room”. Beaker spends 15 minutes practicing her golf swing. Glancing at her watch she finally calls Tatertot in.

Oh dear…I’m sorry, but it seems you are not suffering from a just one disease, but at least a half dozen.


  1. All of my bones & muscles ache, as if I’d run two marathons **

This sounds like Rheumatoid arthritis.

and stopped a train with my ass.

Massive hemorroids and rectal tearing. Requires surgery and a colostomy bag for at least the next year and a half.

2. My whole body feels chilled, except for my head which feels feverish.

These are common symptoms of malaria, but it’s possible it might also be a form of blood poisoning. We’ll have to do some tests to be sure. I’m thinking perhaps we need to take blood, urine, tissue samples, and do a spinal tap.

3. I have a dull pain somewhere around my ovaries.

It’s possible you are just ovulating, or perhaps there is an infection. If it is an infection and it is not taken care of immediately, there is the possibility that the ovaries will burst. This requires exploratory surgery.

4. I am congested in my nose, sinuses, and chest, although this is probably due to the 3 feet of pollen we got yesterday.

Your nasal passages and lungs are dangerously coated with pollen. We will need to place you on a respirator.

5. My eyes feel heavy & I think they might pop out.

Sounds like there is possibly brain swelling, hemotoma, an aneurysm, or perhaps a combination of all three. This is swelling begins to push the eyes forward. We will need to drill a hole in your skull to relieve the pressure. Also will need to install a shunt to drain the excess fluid from the brain.

6. My throat tickles.

You swallowed a brown recluse spider in you sleep. Either he is still alive (though unlikely) or he bit your throat on the way down. Because of the resulting swelling we will need to do a tracheatomy (preferably before we put you on the respirator.)

7. My joints have a “crackly” feeling.

You have a rare form of Brittle Bone disease. There is not much we can do for you except teach you how to set your own bones when they break (Which they will. A lot)

8. Of course, I feel weak & fatigued.

I should imagine so. Lugging around this 100 pound abdominal tumor has got to take a lot of energy.
Other usefull info: Nothing is currently going around. I am an allegedly healthy 26 y/o white & asian female, one child. I have no insect bites. I already had this year’s flu.**

You will also be $20,000 lighter after you receive my bill.

Oh, and here is a card for a recommended mortuary. You know, just in case. :slight_smile:

Have a nice day.

Well its obvious to me that you have several, probably, 75 foot tapeworms impacted in your colon. At this stage they tend to work their way up through the digestive tract and up through the back of the throat (you’ve probably had a few gagging feelings and tickling right? Thats why.) From there they work up into the sinus cavities and drop off sections of their bodys that are filled with tapeworm eggs (it feels just like congestion). Eventually some exit your sinus’ as smallish tapeworms when you sneeze or blow your nose (occasionally through the tear ducts as well… but that is rare.) Others migrate to the blood stream and settle in the joints as tapeworm cysts, just another part of the life cycle, this causes ache and cracklie feeling in the joints.

Like I said, its clear cut and obvious to me.

Dang it you were warned against getting the Acme super duper ultra high power, truck portable, mobile phone.
This is obviously serious radio emission exposure.

Unfortunately your hair may fall out unless you go to the most exclusive salon in town.
Your body reserves maybe compromised so hurry of to the local high class chocolatier.
Lastly using that phone may have damaged your hearing so I suggest you give it a good workout by buying all those CD’s you know you’ve been wanting.

A good recovery strategy would be to sit in a darkened room with your choclate and CD’s and chill.

It sounds to me like you have next years flu too!

Migawd! I’ve always wanted to see a case of this!

Tatertot… we’ll have to run a few tests, but I’m fairly certain that your condition is caused by … evil spirits.

(Always wanted to say that…
every once in a while, science just seems so routine)

You have Kuru.

Hi Tater!
What Beaker said, definetly. And that’s my final answer.
I’ll send a bill for your “second opinion”.
Hope you feel better, and let us know!

Verily, Tis’ clearly a case of demonic befoulment of the bodily humours.

Goodfellow Tater, ignore those rapscallions who would espouse the wrongheaded practice of the “science”, for clearly what is in order is a trip to the local barber for a good bleeding, followed with the liberal administration of leeches to thus remove the foul demons of illness who would inhabit yours blood.

The swelling behind yours eyes suggests a more severe condition, perhaps the pressures of demons trapped within the skull, or perhaps a small elph living within. For thus I would suggest trephenation --the practice of drilling a small hole in the middle of the forehead to release said deamons or elph. True, said practice claims fully a third of those who undergo it, but I believe the risks worthy of taking.

Goodfellow Inky

Thank you all for your expert medical advice, even if they did make me laugh, further injuring my already inflamed muscles.

The more I think about it, the more I’m sure it’s Anthrax. It always starts of seeming to be just a cold, but then before you know it you’re as dead as a dead cow. And I live right next door to a Nato Base, where I’m sure they do lots of top secret type military testing…it’s probably just a horrible, horrible accident, just like in the movie with the monkeys and Dustin Hoffman.

I feel a little better today, but then you always do when it’s Anthrax. According to my home guide to bovine/human diseases, I’ve got another 48 hours to live, so I will chose the winners 10pm monday, my time. Don’t worry, I will wear hubby’s gas mask and heavy duty army gloves when I pack the prizes…

I think we all know the best cure for these symptoms- leeches. And lots of 'em.

I once read about a computer support person, who got an alert that one of the servers in another building was off-line. When he checked out the computer room, all he found were a few disconnected cables–someone had in fact run off with the whole computer.

You are obviously suffering from renal failure. More precisely, someone has stolen your kidneys. Additional clues would be surgery scars, plus a note in an unknown handwriting saying that “it is important for you to call 911”.

Sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, tatertot darling, but you have Washerwoman’s Elbow.

(BTW, take the first chapter of Jerome K. Jerome’s book THREE MEN IN A BOAT and call me in the morning.)

Shirly Ujest wrote:

Mmmmmm… brains…

Dang you, Koffing, you stole my joke! Leave it to Shirley to pinpoint a disease transmitted by cannibalism.

Okay, enough levity, time for diagnosis…

What’s the name of that godawful disease that cropped up in England? The flesh-eating one, where people had body parts dropping off like lepers on fast-forward photography?

Hmmm, no, the symptoms aren’t the same.

::rubs chin thoughtfully::

I’d wager it’s either a low-grade flu or that “kissing disease” thing that kids used to get in high school.

Yeah, yeah, well remembering exact names of diseases isn’t crucial to sophisticated diagnosis.

No matter, Doc Veb can set ya right up. Now you quaff a few tumblers of this prescribed tequila while I look for my trepanning chisel.

(Hope you feel better soon, Tater.)