I swear this is not a spurious question. I post it here because I used to post at the SD when it was free years ago, and I can’t think of any other forum to ask this. If you have to lock this thread, at least please show me a forum where I can get this answered before you delete it.
Anyway, I’m a male in my mid-40’s. I’ve been out of circulation for many many years and now find myself back in circulation again.
My question is, I’m about to get romantic again and I have no idea what to do or what people expect now. Previously I was in a long term relationship (this is all hetero), and our intimate moments were quite advanced in nature (no pun intended).
However, if I were to perform at the same level, I’m afraid I might shock my new love to be. She might think I was some kind of freak. On the other hand, if I were to do the old missionary standby, she might think me a dud. I’m getting very nervous as the fateful moment comes close and don’t want to look awkward or weird.
I hope you can see that there is no one I know around me who can answer this question with a straight face, and SD is my only hope! For Gad’s sake, please someone help me out here.
Well heck. After reading a couple of the threads below, I guess this question isn’t too off topic or unusual after all. So to be more informative here…
Since my last relationship was long term, we had become quite acrobatic and inventive and in fact, that’s become quite “normal” for me. I’m sure I can’t do any of the above with my new love interest (about the same age as me), but what the heck do other people do nowadays??? That is my question.
Well, it’s a sincere question, and here’s a sincere answer:
I’m in my 40’s too. I have been a pretty busy girl most of my adult life. In my opinion, first of all if she’s around your age, her expectations are likely to be the result of her own experience, rather than a function of the current paradigm. If you were dating someone substantially younger than yourself, it would be more likely to reflect current-- er, trends, for lack of a better word.
That being said, I have noticed the following:
Younger guys are a LOT more likely to consider giving a woman head to be a normal part of things, and not some kind of unreasonable request. They are however apparently inclined to refer to it as “doing one’s chores.”
(can I say this on the SDMB?) Anal sex is a lot more in demand, but AFAIK, it is almost all men who are doing the demanding. Plus ca change, plus ca la meme chose.
I’m sure that position changes like doggy-style or one of those skewed things (like, you on your side, her on her back with one leg up) would be fine. The only position I can think of that is a relatively new thing (in terms of popularity) is you sitting in a chair with her sitting on you facing away, with her feet on your knees. I suspect people only want to do this because they see it in porn, and porn movies only do it because it looks good on camera.
There is also one other thing you should know. I only see this in porn flicks, and it’s a good thing too, because if someone actually did it in bed with me I’d have to slug them. Anyway, in the old days if you needed to… umm… invoke moisture? You would just do it discreetly, you know what I mean. But now, at least in porn, they just spit.Onto the target area.
Bleagh. But I bet you won’t catch your girl doing this.
I know this is a weird subject,** David**, but can you be a little more specific? Are you talking about BDSM? Beastiality? Where on the kink spectrum do you lie, on, say, a scale of 1-10? “Quite acrobatic and inventive” is pretty vague.
But for general advice, I wouldn’t break out the whips and chains the first night. If very kinky stuff is neccessary to get you off, I think you need to look toward internet boards and whatnot that specialize in that sort of stuff to find a partner. Other than that, just follow her lead. You’ll learn about each other’s preferences as you go.
Well, I wasn’t planning on re-enacting any porn flicks as I think pulling out at the very last moment and spraying my seed all over her face isn’t going to go over very well. Nor was I planning anal, or chains or chairs. My guess is that she is going to be fairly conservative in bed.
To more specific. OK, do I head south on our very first love making session? With my ex, she always washed herself prior to sex. What if my new love interest doesn’t wash and expects me to go down. Do I decline? And what do I say?
My ex was pretty conservative too and we did all sorts of things but we never talked about it afterwards, is that normal? So I’m even at a loss to ask if my new interest wants to perform oral sex, what do I do, thrust my member at her face?
I’ll have to admit that I’m pretty shocked that the first two responders are both ladies. Uh, I’m too embarrassed to describe my lovemaking more, even though I’m just an avatar here. But, uh, so far, I’ve found out that my ex is actually ultra conservative. So I guess that oral sex both ways would not be considered unusual the first time?
Define conservative. There’s folk who think fellatio is less than sex, folk who think it’s in the advanced manual, folk who think it’s a sin, folk who think it’s nice so long as everybody showers.
I had a bf who considered himself very “advanced” but when it was time to put the pot on the fire, getting him away from the missionary position required a full team of mules.
How did you and your previous ltr decide where to go where? You never talked, you say. Well, same as you and pltr learned to read each other, you and this new lady need to learn that. Me, I’d like to be able to talk about sex as well as and not necessarily as an immediate prelude to having it, but hey, mileage will vary for sure.
I wouldn’t worry so much if I were you. Sex is one of those things that tend to evolve a bit in a relationship as you get to know each other better. The first time around I’d spend some time with foreplay, kiss, fondle, touch. Usually you’ll figure out if she wants you down there or not by how she reacts when you get to that general area, same with other likes and dislikes. Take your time exploring this new playground.
Like Nava said different people have different attitudes to oral sex. Don’t expect it the first time, it’s much better to be pleasantly surprised, and it’s something that is easier to bring up once you’re more in tune on that level. (You never know, it might be easier to talk to this one than your ex.) The intercourse part of the programme will probably be missionary style, more advanced stuff ususally comes later.
Don’t worry, have fun, and enjoy getting to know her body.
Well I was in the same situation as you and the idea never occurred to me to be worried. I was of course expecting different since I’d had the same partner previously for 20 years. A few discreetly whispered, “do you want me to …” worked pretty well, as well as a little hand-guiding.
Congrats on your new love! Have you been to the “encouragement for love in your 40s” thread? You could offer hope there for those still searching.
Oh, and one more thing, OP: No, DO NOT thrust your member in her face! I love to do that for my men, and I am good at it. There is nothing I hate more than someone who turns my gift into a chore!
If she wants to do that, and unless she’s, er… VERY conservative or an actual virgin— she will. If after two or three sessions it has not yet occurred to her to do that, then I would have to wonder about that.
Also, I can’t imagine a woman getting ready for a date which may involve sex, and not taking special care to make certain she was very clean and nice on the pertinent parts. Heh, probably shaven and perfumed too. I don’t think you need to worry about an unpleasant surprise of that nature. Believe it or not, women taste okay even if they haven’t scrubbed with soap in the last hour or so. All that stuff about fish was made up by guys who never get laid.
Oh, I forgot your last question. No, it is not at all unusual to have oral sex the first time. Me, I like impetuous overwhelming ravishment-type stuff a lot, and so sometimes it doesn’t come up (pardon the expression), but it’s pretty standard I would say.
*My question is, I’m about to get romantic again and I have no idea what to do or what people expect now. Previously I was in a long term relationship (this is all hetero), and our intimate moments were quite advanced in nature (no pun intended).
However, if I were to perform at the same level, I’m afraid I might shock my new love to be. She might think I was some kind of freak. On the other hand, if I were to do the old missionary standby, she might think me a dud. I’m getting very nervous as the fateful moment comes close and don’t want to look awkward or weird.*
I think with any new sexual relationship, the first time you sleep together will involve taking things a little more slowly, and finding as you go along what she will like. There will probably be a little bit of awkwardness–knowing that’s going to happen and how you handle it together is a good indicator of compatibility, not just in the bedroom. Laughter is okay, too–sometimes body parts bump in the wrong way, you get twisted around, and things can get funny. It’s okay. Communication is important, and it can be couched in sexy (but gentle) talk. I wouldn’t expect the full extent of every trick in a man’s repertoire the first time together. I would expect that he would start with me doing very traditional things like lots of kissing, making out, exploring each other’s bodies, and gentle questions as we go along–do you like this? Harder? Gentler? More? Can I…? Simple missionary sex the first time together seems fine to me, and also leaves lots more to explore together as your relationship deepens! It wouldn’t make me think the man was a dud. I don’t want to taste every single thing on the menu the first time I dine in a good restaurant. I want to come back again and again…
To Frank:
Sorry, I did not know that. And I do not remember what my old username was, it was a long time ago. I will recuse myself now.
To everyone else:
Thanks very much for your kind comments. They are very helpful indeed and I definitely feel better, just as if I had been given a good pep talk and pat on the back. Two thumbs up!
I’d wait until I got to know her before I tried that.
I am currently romancing a woman in her 40s, and she was never that adventurous in her previous relationship. My advice would be to talk to her, see what she expects and would like. Maybe she would like to be a bit more adventurous with you.
