I have to push the pram a lot.
“All we have to do is feed it, it’ll shut up.”
“I don’t know what babies eat.”
You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.
Rock for Daddy Day Care. Do you know what this means?
Daddy banging the babysitter is a really old story, Kat; it happens all the time.
Don’t Fuck with the Babysitter!
Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter Is Dead
“He’s a live-in babysitter!”
“You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t accept this…”
“Think nothing of it – I’ve got six more at home.”
-“BB”-
Once upon a time, there was a family of… elves. And one day the… little elf… family went into the magic forest to look for a secret… gnome… facility. The gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium, so three of the elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes, while the others maneuvered around to the right flank, killing all those left alive.
Three little kittens loved to play, they had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, “Time for kittens to go to bed.” Three little kittens started to bawl, “Mommy, we’re not tired at all.” Their mother smiled and said with a purr, “Fine, but at least you should brush you fur.” Three little kittens with fur all brushed said, “We can’t sleep, we feel too rushed!” Their mother replied, with a voice like silk, “Fine, but at least you should drink your milk.” Three little kittens, with milk all gone, rubbed their eyes and started to yawn. “We can’t sleep, we can’t even try.” Then their mother sang a lullaby. “Good night kittens, close your eyes. Sleep in peace until you rise. Though while you sleep, we are apart, your mommy loves you with all her heart.”
Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.
There is a leopard on your roof and it’s my leopard and I have to get it and to get it I have to sing.
Then jump off the roof, Maggie. Jump off it. Cats jump off roofs and land uninjured. Do it. Jump.
Nobody ever makes it the first time.
Don’t f*** with me fellas. This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
Did you stay all the way to the rattlesnake roundup?
I’ve had it with these motherf@cking snakes on this motherf@cking plane.
The FAA and the NTSB took 10 pilots, placed them in simulators, recreated the events that led to this plane falling out of the sky. Do you know how many of them were able to safely land the planes? Not one. Every pilot crashed the aircraft, killed everybody on board. You were the only one who could do it!
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Rumack: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.
[in a deep voice] How about Bunny?
Bunny’s good.