Take an old joke, twist it slightly and post it here. For example:
Luddite comedian’s catchphrase - Take my WiFi, please!
Why did the chicken cross the road? He was in a dead spot / To get better reception.
Person 1: Knock, knock.
Person 2: I’m seeing you through my video doorbell, and I can most assuredly tell you I don’t want anything you are selling. Please note the “No Solicitors” sign and get off my property before I call the police.
This guy walks into a bar … when he could have just had it delivered by a drone.
(OK, give this one a few years for the technology/face recognition/laws to catch up.)
Man, I hate autocorrect. I meant to text my wife, “please pick up milk”, and autocorrect changed it to, “you bitch, you ruined my life.”
The other day I saw a guy with a banana in his ear.
“You know you have a banana in your ear?” I said. “What?” he said.
“I said, do you know you have a banana in your ear?” I said. “What?” he said.
So I yell, “DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR?!?”
He goes “Hang on,” takes the banana out, and says, “I can’t hear my friend on my Bluetooth earpiece, shut the hell up!”
“Did you hear the one about the guy with 3 testicles?”
(Looks it up on a smartphone)
“Yes”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Now I’ve lost my job, deleted my Facebook and Twitter accounts, pulled my kids out of school and am hiding for my life.”
I think it was Lili Tomlin who used to have a joke about how you should take all the crazy people walking around talking to themselves, and pair them up so they look like they’re having a conversation.
Nowadays, I guess you’d be pairing up all the people talking on their Bluetooth headsets so it looks like they’re having a conversation.
Take my wife — well, she is her own person, not a possession — neither mine nor yours — please.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillos that it can be done.
(This is phrased for south Georgia. Insert common roadkill for your area!)
More, more!!
What’s a blow job?
Computer voice: The club closest to your current location charges $100, but there is a place 15 miles down the road that charges only $75. Do you need directions?
How do you fit 4 elephants into a car?
Have Donald Trump’s kids kill them and cut them up into pieces.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender doesn’t say anything because he’s unsure if they’re actually a priest, a rabbi, and a minister or if they only identify as religiouskin. He also doesn’t want to make any assumptions of their gender.
Doc, it hurts when I do this.
Take 2 Xythlnth capsules, side effects may cause drowsiness, blurred vision, nausea, insomnia, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, internal bleeding, liver damage, anxiety, dizziness or death, and call me in the morning.
From my son:
Q: Why does Six hate Seven?
A: Because Seven is a registered Six offender.
Golf clap … Very Well Done!
You win the Internets for today.