News headlines we DON'T want to see

Inerrantists Sign Peace Accord
Religious Leaders Agree On Doctrine, Education, Enforcement
New mandatory schools and punishment for nonbelievers to be worldwide

Social Skills Gene Found
Nerdiness Can Be Predicted, Experts Say
Genetic screen to be implemented

Invading Space Robots Destroy Earth
see Sports section

Chicken Outsmarts President in Game of Tic-Tac-Toe
Commander-in-chief requests rematch

Malawi Expels Laotian Ambassador
Malawi forces posed to strike Vientiane via thousand mile tunnel under Indian Ocean

Solipsist Proven Correct
No comment from scientific community

I’ll second that. When there’s nothing going on, I have to go out and find something to fill up the front page of the paper. I’m a newspaper photographer, you see — rest assured that when you see a big photo in the center of the front page with no story to go with it, all is right and boring in the world. (especially when the photo is of cute animals and/or little kids frolicking about)

Michael Moore Survives Accident

28th Amendment Outlaws Beer, Video Games, and Masterbation

** NASA a betrayor! The Earth is truely flat!
All clues led to prove that Internet is bad for the health! Earth-wide emmergency. Countdown to shutt-off begins!**