News headlines we DON'T want to see

Weekend Cancelled

It Turns Out You Really Do Need Your Tonsils

New Study Finds: Life Sucks

America Changes Flag
Subtitle: New Flag Will Feature The Glory That Is Goatse.cx

You know what to do.

Battle of the Network Stars to Return

Due to Budget Cuts, SDMB Forced to Downgrade From Hamsters to Lethargic Moles.

**Eunuchs Live Longer, Happier Lives

Everyone Really Is Having A Better Time Than You

Staggering New Scientific Proof: The Apocalypse Starts Next Thursday

Britney Spears Becomes New Governor Of California**

Frighteningly enough, this may be the best of all possible oucomes.

Ashcroft Wins!

Doper interface2x Universally Hated
Girl He Has a Crush On Laughs Heartily In His Face

’Who Let The Dogs Out’ Named National Anthem

Fred Phelps Named as Cabinet Level Religious Advisor to President Bush

**President Hillary Clinton to… (insert anything here)

Oscar Says: Travolta’s Tops

Africanized Bee Swarm Approaching City

Docs Say: It’s In The WATER

Yankees Sweep!

Already happened, sorry to say. Slated from “Saved by the Bell” put in a yeoman’s performance, but the standout was some buff 40-something dude from “Days of Our Lives.”

Air is Fattening.

Roseanne Barr and Ben Affleck Reconcile, “Jen was folly. Roseanne was my only true love”, Ben sobs.

Bush wins 2004 election by 1 vote! List of countries we will invade announced by White House.

Pepsi Buys Naming Rights to White House, Lincoln Memorial
Honest Abe’s Mouth to Dispense Pepsi Twist

Absolutely Nothing Of Interest Happened Today

Some say no news is good news, but no news is boring!!!

Confirmed! Sex Is The Root Cause Of All Human Cancer

And to think I used my 2,000 post for this! Sheesh!

:smiley:

Congratulations Duckster! I’ve got a long way to go.

Dateline 2008: Jeb Bush accepts GOP nomination

Not knowing what goatse.cx was, I typed it into my browser… :eek:

Thats just sick!

yeah Herge I just did the same thing and suddenly my toast and jam has lost its appeal in a very big way.
Meanwhile in other news:

**World’s Beer Resources Depleted!

Utkik Wins €1 Billion in Lottery, but Voids Ticket!

Exclusive: Women Say Size Matters A Hell Of A Lot!

Family Guy DVDs Outlawed

New Scientist: People Point And Stare At You Theorem Proved**

**New Toilet Tax Announced

Global Warming Can Be Prevented By Clubbing Baby Seals

Government Outlaws Spam Filters**
Damn, if that last one really happened, I … I … I don’t know what I’d do. But I sure wouldn’t enjoy it.

And they used another definition of Battle of the Network Stars: that is, only one network.

Jeb Bush wins presidency by a landslide!