New Test Weeds Out Morons Among Us
Everything You Know Is Wrong
SpazCat’s Utopian World Realized
Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, Supreme Court Mysteriously Vanish!
Colin McBride Given Millions of Dollars For No Reason
Doper Replies by saying “Sweet!”
Cast of Friends abducted by Aliens, who demand ransom for return. Governments of Earth send Aliens money to make sure they don’t return them.
Sorry, but I completely loathe that show.
Noted Fanfic Author Reverses Opinion on Point of Canon
“I was talking to this new guy on the boards, and he brought up some points that I just hadn’t considered before.”
U.N. takes decisive action
Bill Gates announces plans to Sleep in Gigantic Pile of gaudy jewels and gold coins every night
“Oh, like you wouldn’t do that same thing if you were me” says billionaire.
New “X-Files” movie leaves fans feeling satisfied
“We feel we have closure, now. And with a happy ending, to boot!”
Pope Elopes
Famous Televangelist revealed On-air to be Arch Demon, slain by team of plucky teenagers and their wisecracking parrot sidekick
Spunky go-getters awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
McDonalds withdraw McSoylentGreenBurger after ingredient controversy
Bush, Cheney, et al. Die Whlie Visiting Pretzel Factory. Supreme Court appoints Bill Bradley as President.
God found living among us.
It appears he is a student living in Toronto, Ontario. When confronted with this, he responded, “I kept telling people!”
*FRANCE APOLOGIZES FOR CENTURIES OF RUDENESS!
INTERNATIONAL DISPUTES TO BE SETTLED BY MUD WRESTLING BETWEEN NATIOANL LEADERS!
PROFESSIONAL SPORTS BANNED! “MONEY CORRUPTED US ALL”, SAYS DON KING!
ALL WORLD RELIGIOUS LEADERS SIMULTANEOUSLY RESIGN, PROMOTE INDEPENDENT THINKING! “WE DECIDED RELIGION CAUSES MORE PROBLEMS THAN IT SOLVES. BESIDES, I’M HORNY.”, SAYS POPE.*
I believe most of these have been the headlines for the National Enquirer 
God unsure of own existence “After all, there’s no hard evidence” exclaims creator of Heaven and Earth.
Bush declares "My Presidency Was Just A Joke!"
Pointing fingers at the RNC, Barbara Bush and Dick Cheney, the Mr. Bush stated in this morning’s press conference he’ll be resigning tomorrow. "Aw, shucks, guys! It was this big joke that got outta hand! Dick promised me he’d do all the work and I’d just have to make speeches. Sources for Mr. Cheney confirm… (con’t on pg 5)
Vice President Cheney Abducted in UFO
In front of TV cameras and thousands of witnesses, a flying saucer landed in front of Blair House, the official residence of the Vice President. Moments later, Big Foot, Elvis, Amelia Earhart and Batboy emerged and charged into the residence. Coming out moments later, they carried Mr. Cheney into the flying saucer. Just before leaving, Elvis, long thought to have died in 1977, turned to the crowd and declared, “This joke has gone on long enough!” When asked to elaborate, he said, (con’t on pg. 6)
Chicago Reader bough by country’s newest millionaire
Mr Peter Thomas, a graduate student at Calif. State Uni, Northridge and the nation’s new millionaire, after winning the lottery last month, bought the Chicago Reader for an undiscosed sum. When asked why he made this unusual purchase, Mr. Thomas replied “I’m going to get rid of those damn hampsters and give them a REAL server to work with!”
KEEP ALL THE MONEY YOU EARN! INCOME TAXES ARE ABOLISHED
HOLLYWOOD RELEASES BEST MOVIES IN DECADES… DOZENS UPON DOZENS
AT LAST - WORLD PEACE AND HUMAN RIGHTS FOR ALL
From someone that has had only 2 days off since Labor Day, I would go for a law that limited the work week to 5 days.
Government Cover-up Exposed!
Iraq just a myth - President Bush mystified, claims “I had no idea”
Bin Laden Found Dead in Gruesome Apparent Belt Sander Accident
Officials decline to comment on how corpse turned up on Saddam’s doorstep.
Jerry Falwell Issues Surprising Announcement
“From now on, I’m going to focus exclusively on charity work and won’t talk about politics.”
Dodge Capitalizes on Retro Trend with New Hemi V8 Charger For Production in 2003
(Ok, I’m a car freak.)
European - US Joint Venture Finds Environmentally Friendly Substitute For Oil, Made from Lawn Clippings
“Not only is this a breakthrough for the environment, but now we can say how we really feel about two bit thugs who have large oil reserves,” said a goverment official who declined to be identified.
Scientists Prove that Global Warming Won’t happen
One leading climatologist admitted, “We went back through our models, and found that we’d left out a minus sign. Turns out the whole thing was a mistake.”