Here’s some Newspaper Headlines I’d like to see…
Congress to Adopt New Dress Code - Clown Suits, Floppy Shoes
Autos Outlawed within Boston City Limits
Scientistific Discovery of the Millenium: Smoking Marijuana Cures Everything! (I don’t smoke, but I am a HUGE fan of Irony)
Aliens land, look around, leave
Scientists discover that nothing is real
LIES LIES LIES! - The calorie myth
Earth flat after all - “It was a joke that got out of hand” declares NASA
Wall St up for 10th day in a row
Pot Legalized! Drug Czar says “I don’t know what we were thinking.”
Five Day Work Week Abolished: “It’s just not natural to work on Fridays and Mondays” claim lawmakers
belladonna wins $300 Billion in Lottery! See the World’s Richest Woman’s Ruby-encrusted Boots; photos on p. 4.
Scientists discover a new month between October and November “It has been there for some time, we just never thought to look”
Bush, Saddam and Blair share Jacuzzi - exclusive pictures p.2
Integers may not be whole numbers “some appear to have fractional components” announce boffins
Sports Section
No sports figures arrested this week.
Pink shirts are for girls Exclusive!
**Boss mamed in odd incident involving KY Jelly, lawn mower, bowling pins, and Black bears in skirts.
Second $300 billion dollar lottery winner announced: See NurseCarmen’s new sailboat on p.6
Vikings Win Super Bowl.
Cure for Death discovered.
Space exploration now easy with discovery that '96 Ford Ranger came w/warp drive. “we kinda wondered what that button did” say engineers
Cure for stupidity found
God clarifies a few points [size=1]sheesh just be nice to each other, okay? **
**Government limits number of available fonts to 500. ** “Does anybody really need letters that are made of animals?”
Gates’ home raided. 100 Mac G4 servers found in basement.
Martha Stewart sentenced to life sentence with no possibility of rehabbing cell. “Can’t I at least make a silk toilet seat cover?” She unsuccessfully pleads.
Yasser Arafat admits: It is a tablecloth.
LINE DANCING BANNED NATION WIDE
OSAMA BIN LADEN ARRESTED WORKING UNDERCOVER IN FBI
CAFERTERIA!
POT LEGALIZED, EVERYWHERE BUT HUMBOLT COUNTY
NURSECARMEN SHARES 300 BILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY WIN WITH
ABSOLUTE STRANGER (JAYSTERCOM)
LINE DANCING BANNED NATION WIDE
OSAMA BIN LADEN ARRESTED WORKING UNDERCOVER IN FBI
CAFERTERIA!
POT LEGALIZED, EVERYWHERE BUT HUMBOLT COUNTY
NURSECARMEN SHARES 300 BILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY WIN WITH
ABSOLUTE STRANGER (JAYSTERCOM)
ALL CHILD MOLESTERS SEIZED BY HANNIBAL LECTER AND TAKEN
TO REMOTE ISLAND
Studies confirm cheap and effective cure for cancer.
50th anniversery of peace in the middle east celebrated.
The single holder of the 278 million dollar powerball ticket identified today-- a Mr elf6c.
Red Sox win the World Series, again!
Toronto Transit Commission: fifth subway line ‘a success’:
Airport line reducing congestion already.
Twenty-fifth anniversary of US/Middle East Trade Pact:
Region thriving, said to be ‘next Hong Kong’;
TGV completed between Baghdad and Tel Aviv;
oil wealth raising incomes of poor
Electric cars take off:
New battery technology in 35% of new vehicles
Most launches now commercial:
Corporations race to orbit as space wealth flows earthward
80% of Canadians bilingual
High cost of Sprawl homes driving urbanization:
new parks planned
Cartoonist marries:
Sunspace met bride at European toon convention
[sup]Hey, I can dream, right?[/sup]
Bill Gates Confirmed As Antichrist - Grateful World Awards T. Anachi Entire Gates Fortune For Discovery
**White House insider blows whistle on bizzare Capitol Hill homosexual love triangle involving: George Bush, Newt Gingrich and Jesse Jackson! Photos inside!
Moon Really made of Cheese! NASA admits they were just hoping to keep it all for themselves and their wild fondue parties!
Saddam and Osama photographed vacationing together at Disneyworld!
Steven Segal quits acting - “I just can’t handle all these serious parts anymore!”**
Satan arrested in connection with crimes against Humanity Claims “God made me do it”
Phelps, Falwell confess to 15-year homosexual affair Chick remains mysteriously silent.
GENETIC BASIS FOR GENDER DEBUNKED “X/Y thing was just a statistical fluke”